I got through the weekend and hope the week will be better

[SOSPLEASE]

Loneliness is hard for me to deal with, because the loneliness I feel is not rooted from lack of contact but from my childhood. One can feel alone without being alone and being alone doesn't make me feel lonely but mostly better cause I don't have to pretend that everything alright. I can't always be around others as I can't pretend and I feel guilty when I am not doing well, I don't like myself and don't want to impose myself on other people. I woke early this morning and was in what I call the bleak ....the not wanting or knowing what to do so I got out of bed and got my son off to school and I have spoken to myself, to get moving and not give up. I often want to give up and just lay there till someone saves me, but then I realize no one can, I pray to the Higher Power to help me through this time and will do my best to pull myself out of this today. Being alone can be good but it gives me too much time to fret and fret. It's an internal battle that exhausts me. I used to think that my depression had nothing to do with my childhood, and therefore I separate the two but I am staring to accept that part of it comes from the lack of parental support as a child, growing up without a mother or father is extremely hard, and I am now learning years later that I have been damaged by this and need to forgive myself for having difficulties and not always knowing what to do....thanks for reading

[Hidden]

Yours are very familiar feelings to me and you are doing well to cope with them, especially taking care of your son. Have you talked with someone about your childhood, a counsellor or therapist, if not you could write about it here and we would all offer whatever understanding and support that we can. Suexx

[SOSPLEASE in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your support, yes I have spoken to therapists and have done for many years actually but I am just getting really in touch with that little girl who has been terrified most of her life, I couldn't let her too close before now, probably the cause of my episodes of depersonalization, funny attacks where I feel surreal and unable to get back to reality, they cause me to panic. This a scary processor me I have closed off my childhood for so long but I feel if I get to her, the scared part perhaps we can heal together. I do want to help myself but sometimes I am paralyzed with fear like a deer in front of an on coming car, these attacks happen even when things are going well, actually often when I am going well, cause when I am not well and feeling depressed I change into survival mode...and feel like that same deer unable to move or change....I started a yoga course tonight for beginners and it went really well, I feel very relaxed tonight, I am going to try and keep up things that help me rather than hurt me.....If you want to share your similar feelings I would be happy to listen Susan