I'd appreciate your advice

In March 2010 my fiance left me and our two small children. He said he just didnt love me the way he should anymore. I was devastated. He moved out a month after announcing this and left me to cancel all the wedding arrangements and more importantly to pick up the pieces of our childrens lives and my life. Six months after he left, I was prescribed fluoxetine as the doctor diagnosed me with depression. In January of this year I met a lovely man. He is kind, caring, loving and considerate, he makes me laugh. I feel safe and secure when I'm with him. We both share the same outlook and want the same things out of life. I know I love him but my problem is this: I keep wanting to finish things with him and I dont know why. I convince myself that I dont love him when I know that I do. The thought of not having him in my life is horrible. Im not scared to be alone, I like my own company so I know its not a need for company. Its just now these constant up and down thoughts are taking their toll and I feel quite low. I know compared to some other peoples problems on here this sounds probably quite trivial. But i could really do with some advice. Thank you.

10 Replies

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  • It really sounds to me as if your subconscious is really scared that you will be rejected again the way your previous partner rejected you. its not rational and it sounds as if it is completely unfounded from what you say about your new partner, but that is the subconscious for you. It may also sound really crazy that the fear of being rejected is manifesting itself as a desire to reject your new partner but it's really a manifestation of attack being the best form of defense - don't give him the chance to reject you - reject him first.

    Have you talked to him about your previous relationship at all and how it left you feeling? If you don't feel confident talking to him on your own - or may be even if you do - you might want to think about something like RELATE - where you would have a counselor to help you both understand what is going on, what your insecurities are and work out some strategies together for coping with them.

    Hope it works out.

  • Thank you Gambit62 for replying x. What you have said does seem to make sense to me. He knows a great deal about my past relationship and how it has effected me. I guess though until it happens to you, you dont fully understand the damage, hurt and scars that are left and I dont think he can fully comprehend the damage that was done by my ex leaving me and my children so out of the blue. Sometimes I feel I have come so far then other times i feel like i havent come very far at all. I know that I dont want to lose him though so I'm going to try my hardest to get my head and feelings sorted out.

  • On a practical note - in terms of dealing with the thoughts you are having - don't get cross with yourself for having them, or worried because you are having them. Love always comes with the risk of rejection. Thank your subconscious for remind you of that but then remind yourself that rejection isn't going to happen now and deliberately think about some of the supportive and caring things your current partner has done and how loved and secure he makes you feel.

    The subconscious is a bit thick so it may take a while for the message to get through but each time do the same gentle routine and focus on how caring and supportive the relationship is and eventually the message will get through.

  • Hi lillylu,

    Well done hunni that last comment you made is a sure sign that you will make this relationship work.

    Its obvious that you are scared of being rejected again.... but as Gambit says this is unfounded.

    Dont let your EX mess up your future, he already did that to your past! Which is exactly where it belongs. Keep up that positivity.

    Good luck and best wishes to you and your littluns, hun xxx

  • I'm exactly the same. Twice burned and now I run a mile when men are interested. When I like someone, they never like me back and over the years I have convinced myself it's because I'm not good enough. When someone does like me, I find fault in them and push them away. No problems are trivial. If they are real for you, they are worth sharing. I think you've made a wise decision to take some time to get your head together and establish how you feel x

  • Its hard isnt it. I know exactly what you mean about finding fault and pushing them away and also about not feeling good enough. I get so frightened by it all at times. Today has been a really awful tearful day, I was so close to finishing the relationship. I dont love him - i do love him - i dont - i do - it goes on and on like a song on repeat. But I know how lucky I am to have him in my life and i hate the thought of him not being in my life. Im so scared i'm going to make a big mistake and finish things with him because my fear gets the better of me.

  • I think Gambit is probably on to something with the subconscious. I do the same as I also had a previously pretty damaging relationship, so I have the same love/hate attraction to them. I recently asked someone out that I liked a lot...and yet was almost relieved when she said she was actually already attached. I wonder if counselling might help work out if there are any specific triggers for the feeling that you want to cut and run? It can be helpful to understand where our feelings come from - can make it easier to have the self-awareness to know when to tell our brain it's talking bollocks ;)

  • Yip, it sounds like you want to push him away because you are scared of being so close to someone else in case they let you down x I have been there before and ended up marrying the man who made it all better. I can truly say that even now during my worst bout of depression he is the one person who keeps me going x Take it easy and give him a chance. He is not your ex x

  • Until my ex left me and our two children i had never felt fear in a relationship - now i'm fearful and scared alot. In-case he leaves, incase i mess up by getting so scared that i tell him i don't love him and push him away totally. He is the kindest, loving most thoughtful man i have ever met and i'm worried i'm going to screw things up. Today has been such a horrible day, I almost convinced myself to finish things with him but somehow i didn't. Your post is very kind and its lovely to hear you married the man who made it all better - i love that sentence :) Thank you x

  • You want to kybosh it, because your really worried it might happen again. At least this way you can have more control over it, and your emotions. Your scared it might happen again. and your world mightbe crushed again.

    You have to tell yourself your lucky your ex did this,,, because although it was upsetting, it has opened the door to this man who is better suited to you. One door closes, and another one opens. Get an appointment with relate,,, have a talk with them.

    Tell yourself ,,, I deserve to be truely happy!!! because Im worth it!!! over and over again in front of the mirror, untill you truely belive it. (dont forget , that man you have, probably was as lucky meeting his sole mate too) relax and think how truely lucky you are,,,,

    Even I cant find my soul mate and im 53!!!

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