I haven't posted on here for a long while. Yesterday was the day I had been dreading for so long - the day my son and only child left home for university. I had tried to prepare myself for this eventuality the last couple of years, but haven't stopped crying since I drove away having dropped him off at the residence halls. The journey home took 3 hours - god only knows how I didn't crash the state I was in.
He is my only child and the only family I have in this country. I split up with my partner nearly 2 years ago so now it's just me and my animals. It feels like someone has died. The house is so cold and empty & there are reminders of him everywhere. I keep going over the past and wish I could rewind it all to when he was a little boy. I know he will be back holiday time but nothing will be the same again. I feel so incredibly sad and lonely and to be honest don't want to be here anymore. Life is too painful. I just want the pain to stop.I know I should be strong and here for him but I just don't have the strength for another day.
I tried calling him twice last night - but he didn't answer. I just wanted to hear his voice again. He then texted to say he was having a social with the 8 students he had met in his block. He has spread his wings. My job is done.
On the way home last night I was visualising ways to end it all. But, then I think of my animals and who will look after them. I don't want to die but I just want this pain to end. It's not just my son leaving, it's my whole life - miserable childhood, failed marriage, relationships, jobs, lack of family, friends and support. My life in a nutshell - sad state of affairs. I have no-one to turn to, nothing to look forward to - just mental anguish day in and day out. It is no way to live. The anti-depressants, the therapy - they don't really help. This inner hell goes on and on. It never goes away. I don't have the strength anymore for anything.