Tumbling down again

I feel like I'm getting sucked right back down again into the darkness, after having a few weeks of feeling

'ok' ( with the odd down-day mixed in)..

I seem to be hell-bent on self-destruction, I'm so tired, I don't want to eat, go out, even move..

I just wanna sleep, death would be better, but as I've explained before, I couldn't live with myself for doing that to

my family.

Not that I'd have to, coz I'd be dead, but they would, and I just can't bring myself to put them through that hell.

When's it gonna end.. I just wanna be 'ok', I'm not even asking for happiness or anything more than just 'ok'

and not be in spiritual and emotional pain all the time.

Still loving the thought of hibernating, why couldn't I have been born a bear? Mum? Eh?

Wishing you all a good a day as your moods and states of minds allow,

Love, Holly Xx

12 Replies

  • Holly have sent you a mail when your up to reading it.


  • Hi, we are obviously both on our knees at the moment! I know how you feel as do so many folk on here which is why its such a safe place to let rip and get it all off our chest. Thing is we both know its the depression making us feel like we want to be dead sometimes. Sleep is a lovely alternative if only we could get to sleep and stay asleep when we want to. These darker nights don't help but tbh I felt crap at times during the lovely summer too this year so I know I can't blame it on the weather/season. Try burning some drops of lavender and Bergamot oil in water with a tea light beneath, they are supposed to lift your spirits even if it just has a placebo effect it might help you feel you are doing something. You can also put some drops into your bath and lavender on to your pillow to aid sleep. I'm trying it, the house smells lovely if nothing else. Gentle hugs. Nwg x

  • Thanks for the tip Nwg, I love the smell of lavender, and it does calm ye down..

    Oh if only you knew how I've been wishing for a bath over the last couple of days.. I even dream about it!!

    My bathroom is pokey, you couldn't fit a bath in there if the council was willing to put one in, so

    it's a shower I've got, JUST NOT THE SAME!!

    I really dread having a shower, don't know why, it's just an enormous hassle to me.. I do know I'll feel better after it, it's just the thought, and I keep putting it off..

    But then enerything's a gigantic hassle to me at the moment, need to give myself a kick up

    the a**e, and get it together.. Aahhh, a bubblebath.. how nice that would be ;)

    Thanks Nwg, big hug back, Holly xx

  • Hi Holly,

    The exhaustion is so awful. It's like walking through treacle. I've given up on doing some vital paperwork because tonight it's like thinking through treacle too. I just want to lie down on the floor.

    Realise this is no help to you but I do know what you're going through.

    Love and Hugs


  • It is helpful to me Lizard, coz it reminds me I'm not alone, and I'm not the only one going through


    May things get better for both of us soon..

    Lotsa love, Holly Xxx

  • {{{{{Holly}}}}}

    Remember that the good periods are there to remind you it won't always be this black. I know what you mean about just wanting to be ok - one of my friends is on facebook deciding whether to go to Morocco or Tunisia on holiday. I'd like to wake up once, just once, and not have to mentally wrestle with myself just to get out of bed.

    Hibernating would be awesome. There's a song I like with a chorus that goes like this:

    Like the rain, that's pouring down on me

    Blown away, by the wind you cannot see,

    Tonight, I am still right here

    When the sun comes up all of this will disappear

    I often think how I wish that were true.

    I do however try to remember that dark as it may get, tomorrow is always another chance for a good day. And I try to go to sleep in the hope that tomorrow is good, so you at least end the day on a positive note.

    Think how dark that pit of despair feels right now. Then multiply it by at least ten, and that is how much darker each one of our worlds would be without you in it :)

  • Aw ThemysciraDrive...

    There's a beautiful, gentle, caring spirit in you and you've got the ability to really touch people!

    coz you did, with that post there, you made my day, and if you'd have seen my reaction to it, it

    would probably have made yours too!

    I just feel it's all getting to much, you know that feeling your overwhelmed, and you just can't

    take anymore..

    There doesn't seem to be any solutions to any of my problems, and felling like shit doesn't help


    But I know there is a solution to every problem, maybe not a perfect one, or one I might necessarily like... But I have to do something, before I become paralised by depression and just give up,

    and things'll just get even worse as time goes on..

    I don't think i'm making much sense here,sorry, feeling a bit confused and detached on top of

    everything else..

    But your lovely post was a wee shining light in my dark day ;) Thank you!

    Lots of love, Holly xxx

  • Please try and remember the brighter days do exist, the memory plays tricks when depression gets savage.

    Do you already make some sort of record of good days? in word, image or object?

    Remember, try to use this as your cosy blanket .

  • Thanks gardengnome, it's just like taking one step forward, two steps back all the time..

    I'm so tired of it.. Hopefully today will be a better day..

    Hope you're well,

    Lots of love, HolllyXxx

  • How you doing chick? X

  • Hi Lucy,

    oh I'm demented, my mum and my brother decided to turn up un-announced and stay for a couple of

    days, I was so angry..

    My mum knows I can't handle things too well just now, especially not this..

    How are you? You ok?

    Love, Holly Xxx

  • hey holly u got it rough text me if you need to x

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