Not good

I know I don't post much but I am desperate.. I think this weekend will be my last..I cannot face life as it is, I haven't seen my daughter since April and the only thing stopping me is I can't bring myself to write her a suicide note. I've written one for my ex and it makes perfect sense. I've have had depression for years but never as dark as this, I have no friends or family, no job, no car, and only 5 pounds in my pocket, nothing apart from Ellie and she is coping fine without me and she will be better off without me.

49 Replies

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  • Don't really know what to say.

    Have been that low myself but never actually done anything. I guess, somewhere deep in side there is a bit that really wants things to get better and knows that that won't happen if I'm not around. For me it's also the fact that someone is going to have to clear up afterwards - or find the body and that isn't very nice.

    However well your daughter appears to be doing at the moment I'm sure that she will find it hard to come to terms with your death if you do end everything.

    Have you been to see your GP. Are you getting an help or treatment.

    I really want to say 'please don't do it' but at the end of the day it really is your decision.

  • Don't ever think anyone's better off without you. You spoke about your daughter, yes she might be coping fine without you, but she knows you're there!

    Does she know how low you feel? What age is she?

    maybe she's just at that age where you take your mum for granted, just assume she's always gonna be there..

    But I know in my deepest , darkest hours of need its my mum I want and think of, and as she's getting older, i'm petrified of the thought of her not being here anymore,never being able to talk to her anymore, hug her, touch her..

    and it's not just your daughter, you'll be leaving a lot of people behind wondering why, if there's anything they could've done, why they didn't read the signs...

    I know life can be unbearable, cruel and hard, and it seems like things are never gonna get better again.

    But please, for your daughter's sake, and for everybody else that loves you, try and hang in there a little longer.

    Wishing you lots of courage, hope and love,

    Holly Xx

  • God sorry SimplySimon, I'm an idiot, I didn't look properly who wrote the post, just replace mum with dad, because dad's are just as important!!!!!

    Sincere apologies, only me could do something as daft as that..

    Try and keep going please, we'd miss you for starters!

    Love , Holly Xx

  • Hello simplysimon

    I am glad you have posted on here, but sorry that you feel so low and alone.

    Depression is so cruel as to make us feel like you are saying you feel, please try and seek some help from some where, maybe ringing 999 if you have to.I know it is not an easy thing to do call for help but please do.

    You have come on this site and posted how you are feeling and we are here for each other for support, i know it is not the same as face to face contact, but some times that can be a help.

    please just keep posting on here and we will all try to help you. gardener x

  • I guarantee you your daughter will not be better off without you. She loves you and doesn't want you going anywhere.

    Depression is very good at overwhelming us with what we feel are insurmountable problems, but there is a way through everything. Even in the darkest circle we can find ourselves in, there is still a sliver of light. You can't write a suicide note to your daughter, because your daughter is worth living for. Keep that thought locked in your mind, that is your strength right now. Forget the car, forget the job, forget the money, forget everything else, your daughter is worth living for. That's your root to the world, and your candle in the darkness.

    Gardener is right, please keep posting on here. Many of us have been where you are now, in the deepest, darkest place a human mind can go. Keep hold of your daughter's image, keep talking to us, and we will get you through.

  • It doesn't matter what is stopping you. The fact that something is, is enough to keep you with us. And right now that's all that matters. You need to think about Ellie. Do you want her growing up and finding out that her Dad did that?

    You say you have no car, no job or no money, but you have Ellie. And that speaks volumes. A child is the most precious gift in the world and you need to treasure it. You committing suicide will leave her vulnerable and bare, with unanswered questions for the rest of her life.

    This dark fog will lift. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next week. But it will. In the meantime, get all sorts of help and support. You have lots of friends here who understand every little woed you're saying xx

  • Hi Lucy, I've just seen your message and you sent me blubbering, that is so sweet of you, but no thank you,if there is a god, bless you..x

  • Thank you all for replying ... she is 14 and I know you are going to say she's at that age and hormonal, but she really doesn't want anything to do with me, I have seen her only once this year and she only lives a couple of miles down the road,.. I text her twice a week to let her know I love her but she has never replied and obviously doesn't want me around any more and its got to the stage now where I am scared to go into town shopping in case I bump into her.

    I've been treated for depression since I was 14, I've been in psych hospital twice this year and takes loads of meds, I've even had e.c.t. again and nothing works and I'm tired of fighting my illness, Ellie has always been what I call my safety block, but I've reached the point where it isn't enough anymore, I live in the middle of nowhere, I haven't spoken with my parents or siblings for over25 years and I don't have any friends, the only people I speak to are medical people and lovely though they are, they only come out once a week and I'm usually a blubbering wreck when they are here. I'm exhausted physically as well as mentally and I just want it all to go away..

  • I know that feeling of being too tired to fight any more. But look at what you've done - you've held out against this awful illness since you were 14. That's incredible, inspiring, and so brave words can't do it justice. The world needs more people like you, not less.

    It will get better, I promise you. Slow everything down, one day at a time, get through them however you can. And slowly, the light at the end off the tunnel will get brighter.

    You do have a family. We are your family, we are your friends, and we are here to look after you.

    I have to sleep now cause I have work tomorrow, but I'm going to message you tomorrow morning to find out how you're doing. You make sure you're there to answer it, ok? Look after yourself and sleep well.

  • Thank yo for your kind words, sweet dreams x

  • Don't give up on your relationship with your daughter I know how important my dad is to me and we haven't spoken in a few years would break my heart if he did anything I know just how low you must be feeling does your gp know how bad your feeling? Do you have any support apart from the lovely people on here .

    Sarah x

  • hi Simply Simon,

    you got kinda lost in this thread, how are you feeling now?

    I was looking for your last post, but its a while ago, please let us know your ok?

    Love, Holly Xx

  • It's a shame you could not tell the nurse/g.p. how bad you feel. Keep the suicide notes to show the nurse or the staff at A&E if you think you can not explain how bad things have got. You say this summer has been the worst ever, try to remember back to years when you felt better, you can feel that good again, it might take a while, but recovery is possible. Just like remission from a cancer. I'm not that good at expressing emotions, and I can hardly begin to start to describe how any 14 year old will feel like to have a farther give up on them in such a big way. Yes teenagers are self-centered, for a while, but that's about being wrapped up in the excitement that life can hold, that excitement is still there to find at any age, give yourself time to get into remission...

  • Hi Simon

    You say that you've been treated for depression since you were 14...the same age as your daughter is right now - do you want her life to be a repeat of yours cos if you take your life that is the legacy you'll probably be leaving for her!

    You may not think that she cares but at that age they're in their own world with their mates and its all too easy to forget about parents but believe me, without you she would soon remember and it would be all that was on her mind for a very long time.

    Call an ambulance and get yourself in a place of safety cos you're not in the frame of mind to be alone...please!!!

    Every life on here is important as it is only together that we can be a force for change in the way we're viewed and treated.

  • Hi Sarah

    My gp is good, but at the moment I can't even afford the bus fare to go to see her until next Thurs.. my community nurse came today, but I was a blubbering mess, she's isn't due back til a week on Monday and apart from her, I there is no one else to speak to from one week to another...my daughter doesn't want to know me at all, unless I write a note, she wouldn't even know I died..

  • Your daughter will have unanswered questions and guilt all her life if you go through with this........... PLEASE don't do that to her. Teenagers are very temperamental beings and I know my daughter would have said the same about her Dad at that age. But now she is all grown up and for many years they have been getting on just fine. I know it is hard to even take one day at a time but just take things slowly and you will get through this but need help again to do this. It may be rehashing what you have already done BUT this time it could work.I know we are all ready here to support you so just come on here as much as you need to, there will always be someone on here to answer and support you. Thinking of you and stay with us.... please. xx

  • Thinking of you today Simon. Hope today is manageable x

  • hi simple simon im am so sorry to see that you are in this dark hell hole as i call it please dont do anything your life is precious teenagers are a very different force of there own she is only 14 and probably doesn't fully understand her own feeling towards you or if she is being influenced by her mother what did your nurse suggest to you on how to cope with how u r feeling please contact the crisis team they will be able to help you ...many people will be affected if you do go down that road please keep talking to us all on here we are all either in the same boat or have been there i myself have been like you .....we are all here or you xx

  • Hi Celticgirl,

    Don't think I've spoke to you before.. Are you from Glasgow by any chance ;) ?

    Love Holly Xx

  • Hi hope you are still with us you will be surprised how much your daughter loves you your her daddy and no matter how she is feeling now one day she will need you and if you have ended it she will be alone. Can they not sort you a travel pass ask your gp they sorted one for me as its supposed to stop u displaying yourself other than that I suggest you phone them I know in some cases they will still make a home visit. I Can't believe your nurse judge left you as you are if you are so distressed or are you one of the many who smile and say I'm fine? I would give them a ring and let them know just how bad you are feeling. I am off to see the psychiatrist now but will be thinking of you

    Sarah

  • I am thinking same thing about weekend, I sent a letter to GP saying I wont be able to cope if something isnt done before weekend, and they promised to contact my nurse and didnt. Ive been saving up my sleeping pills, diazepam, and am thinking about making use of them tomorrow night specifically x

  • Emms please take yourself to a+e tell them how bad you feel u have my number if you need me any time call or text xxxxx

  • Aw emms, please don't do that! You aren't on your own, please believe me when I say your life is precious to me and I want you to be happy and well. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please please tell me.

  • Emms,

    Please don't do that...call someone...flush them down the toilet, whatever it takes to stay with us, please do it!

  • Hey emms listen to us all please put them down the toilet text me your address and I will get someone to come to you I understand you have the same problems calling people like I do please let me help

    Sarah xxxx

  • I cant put them down the toilet. I felt much worse on sat night, and phoned breathing space who put me through to NHS24, and sent a dr round, but then she made me feel even worse, said that going to the GP wasnt going to do anything to help me, and that I should forget about Neil because he is dead, I had to tell her to go away and leave me alone, as she kept saying it over and over again, and told me they were just feelings, but I find them too painful, I know they are just feelings. She also said medication wasnt going to help so it was pointless asking whether it needs to be changed, she asked me what i wanted her to do, so I told her to go away. I feel so terrible, and there is nobody, now I find out I shouldnt even have gone to GP last week. I can just keep cutting and cutting but it is not enough, I dont want to live like this

  • Hi Emms how are you?

    I know you're feeling terrible and at the moment it feels like it's never gonna get better

    again, but believe me, it will...

    Deep down you know that.. I went through a bit of a rough patch last week and I feel nowhere

    near good, but slightly better than a few days ago..

    It will pass, I know you don't wanna hear all this right now and just want the pain to stop,

    but please be strong and hang in here..

    As for the diazepam, forget it.. The human body is so strong, you'd be amazed what it can take.

    I've tried overdoses with all sorts, but in most cases, as with diazepam, your body treats it like

    poison and you just end up being sick, sick and sick again.

    It's awful, the last time I tried it I was so ill I couldn't even get up to get to the toilet to be sick so I lay in my own sick for a day and a half.

    Please Emms, keep posting and let us know how you are, we're all worried about you!

    Especially Sarah (Sheffield), she's worried sick, let her and us know your ok if you can, please?

    Thinking of you,lots of love and hugs,

    Holly Xxx

  • Oh thankgod, I just noticed you posted that last post 41 minutes ago!

    At least we know you're still with us!

    Holly xxx

  • I cant go on, it is zopiclone. Sleeping tablets, I plan to use it with hypothermia so I just dont have to wake up. I have no idead what else to do. especially as the dr that visited me told me the GP wont do anything to help, and medication wont help either, and she told me to forget about neil because he is dead, i feel so much worse after she was here

  • Zoplicone, are they not also called zimmovne? I think they're even weaker than diazepam. Not that it matters Emms, please don't do it!!!

    There are so many people that care about you, and you WILL start to feel less bad (for a better word than 'better') eventually..

    I know the pain is unbearable and how attractive death seems, but please Emms, keep going for another day, an hour even, then maybe another..

    Take it an hour at the time and don't think about the future or how you're gonna have to live a lifetime living like this..

    Post again in an hour and tell us how you're feeling, and do it every hour.

    I bet some hours will be worse than others, and eventually days and weeks will be the same, some better than others..

    My heart goes out to you Emms, I wish there was something I could do..

    Holly xxx

  • That doctor sounds like a stroppy unsympathetic...I'll let you finish that thought yourself! Shame I wasn't there, I'd have had her for lunch for saying that stuff to you.

    Holly talks a lot of sense emms - take it slowly, keep checking in with us and tell us how you're feeling. I'm around all evening and I'll stay online for you. I know you don't feel like it at the moment but there IS another way out of how you feel and we're all here to help you find it. Stay with us and we will all help you.

    ((((((((((Emms))))))))))

  • I dont know how to face another week like this. And if gp wont be able to do anything, what do I do instead? I have very few appointments with psychiatrist, and have lost touch with community nurse etc, and the doctor who visited me told me that going to the gp is not going to help me

  • She said it was all down the the choices I made and that i allowed myself to have these feelings, but I cant seem to help them

  • That's an awful thing to say!! Emms, she really is talking out of her backside if that's what she said to you. The most important thing to remember is that the way you are feeling, it is NOT your fault, in any way.

    I have no idea why she said a GP can't do anything for you. They could refer you for more therapy, they can sign you off work so you don't have to worry about that. That's just off the top of my head

    Would you feel comfortable sharing the general area that you live in? There may be someone on here close by who can at least come round to you and talk, and help you out with things. I've been speaking to someone who found out about drop-in centres around the country that you might be able to go to if you can - I'll see if I can get the two of you talking.

    Aside from how you're feeling, would you like to share some stuff about yourself a bit? Like is it emms because you're Emma? We can do that over a direct message if you like. Sometimes just a chat can help. No worries if you don't feel comfortable with that.

    You're a tough little cookie Emms, don't underestimate yourself :)

  • I live in Aberdeenshire, near Turriff. And yes my name is Emma. I feel so desperate, I have an appointment on tuesday with GP but after what the doctor said if I was still alive then I was going to cancel it, because I hate wasting time. ever since I left the hospital last time in July, I have not been able to speak to community team, or anybody really, I have cut myself so many times today, I feel really awful, and I feel like I am running out (or have already run out) of time, with my job

  • Aw, Emma is a lovely name :) please keep that appointment Emma, you aren't wasting anyone's time! I know exactly how you feel, I put off going to see the doctor about being depressed for a long time because I didn't want to waste their time. But it's helped so much since I did, it really is the best thing to do. That doctor you spoke to clearly has no idea how depression affects people, fadedlizard is right, you should complain about her. What she said about you allowing yourself to feel like that is absolute rubbish, I really would have been shouting at her if I'd been there with you, that is such an ignorant thing to say.

    Have you cleaned the cuts and dressed them?

    I know you feel awful Emma, but we are all here for you - you can message me on here any time you like, ok? You have friends here :) Try not to worry about your job, I know that's really hard, but the most important thing right now is for you is to get through how you're feeling and start recovering.

  • I know thjis sounds really bad, but I have not been able to get undressed for a long time, let alone wash, but my cuts all seem to stay clean, and dry up on their own. What do I say to the Doctor?

  • Hi Emms it's Hannah here. I have been away for a week . Been reading your posts. You sound such a great brave young woman. Don't mind that stupid Dr . She sounds so hard Nd uncaring . A few years ago I was v.ill andDepressed , this stupid hard nurse who had just arrived from IndiIa. She said to me. " what is wrong with you ". You could have been in a Tsunami and the you would have a reason to be Depresses! She made me feel so selfish Nd undeserving of care. It took me ages to forget her harsh words. Now I can laugh ather stupidity and pity her for being such a harsh brutal nurse. So Emms forget her words and realise you Are worth so so much. Please stay Around as reading your Posts helped me.

    Luv n hugs. Remember I will bea listening caring ear for you.

    Luv n hugs n take it hour by hour. Baby steps.

    Hannah

  • That's ok, don't feel bad about not being able to do things. I'm glad your cuts have stayed clean though, that's good.

    The GP basically needs to know how much this is affecting you; I would say, especially, how you don't feel able to eat, and undress, those would be good things to mention. And you need to tell them that you're cutting a lot, and also that you can't clean the cuts, I know that might be hard, but it's an important sign of how bad things are for you at the moment.

    When I went to the GP a couple of weeks back, I really didn't know what to say. A few people on here suggested writing things down and taking them, and that really helped. Maybe you could write a list of the things you've been talking about here, and give that to the GP? Then you don't even necessarily have to say anything at first.

    I have to go now, got to sleep as I have work tomorrow - sucks, I'd like to keep talking. Are you still going in to work at the moment? I will check in again with you tomorrow though, keep coming on here, there is always someone to talk. I know you don't feel like it at the moment, but trust me Emma, you really are seriously tough and strong just to have kept going as you have, and you WILL make it through.

    Looking forward to talking to you tomorrow - hope you get some sleep tonight.

  • Hi Emm,

    I'm new to this site, although not to HU.

    I know you're in a very dark place at the moment but please try hear the people who've already posted. The doctor you saw is WRONG, VERY, VERY WRONG. When you feel stronger please consider reporting her.

    You have not brought this upon yourself. You do not deserve to feel like this and your life is worth saving ~ always.

    Is there anyone you can call to be with you? Could you talk to the Samaritans?

    Please don't give up.

    I know I'm new but it shines out how much people here really love you.

    Take it one minute at a time love, these feelings will subside again.

    Love

    Lizard.x

  • thanks, is she really wrong? Why did she say those things? I dont even know who she is as she was the out of hours duty doctor. She didnt even understand that I cannot eat, and kept saying starving myself wouldnt help save my job

  • Hi Emm,

    Lovely to hear from you.

    Oh yes, shes wrong.

    I have no explanation for why she spoke to you in such a manner, especially when she could see how vulnerable you are but i suspect she has no mental health awareness thought she couldsnap you out of it because obviously we would choose to feel like this if it was as easy as that?!

    Unfortunately MH issues are still misunderstood and you had the misfortune to meet someone who is particularly ignorant. It is her problem not yours. Please don't give her words another thought.x

  • I cant forget about Neil, I could never do that, she made me feel so much worse. I see him in my house all the time

  • Hi Emms how are you?

    Good on ye for taking my advice and keep posting! I hope it's helping a bit, and if not it's helping us coz at least we know your ok!

    Sorry I've been away for a day, wasn't feeling so good myself and I've got that stupid dayprogram in the morning.. I might not particularly enjoy it, but at least it gets me out and talkin to people for a few hours, or I'd never get out of my jammies and out of the house again!

    Please go that appointment Emms, and just tell her (or him, but I think its a female isn't it?) the truth.

    Tell her exactly what you've been going through and how you've been feeling, and how you've been treated by other healthprofessionals and how that's left you feeling!

    I know it's hard when you're there and you're kind of put on the spot and forgot what you were going to say,

    so it probably is a good idea, like some people suggested, to write some things down and take it with you to remind yourself, and if it gets really bad, you could always show them it!!

    Good luck Emms, I've been thinking about you a lot, keep posting as much as you can and you know we're all here for you!

    Lots of love and a big cuddle, Holly Xxxx

  • Thanks Holly, I still have the appointment tomorrow, last time I went I had to write things too, and just give it to them. I have still not been contacted by the community mental health team, even though for the second time they promised me. x

  • Hey Emma, good to hear from you. How have you been today?

    Last time you went, did the doctor do the NHS depression test thing with you? It's just short, it lists 8 or 9 symptoms and you have to rate them from 0-3 to get a score?

  • no, he didnt do that, just contacted my nurse to try and get them to contact me

  • Please go to the appointment tomorrow and make sure you tell them everything.

    How bad things have got for you and you really need help,now, not next year!

    And keep on the case with the mental health team, just keep phoning them and hassling them, coz if you just leave it they'll just take their time...

    Good luck Emms, your constantly in my thoughts,

    Big hug, Holly Xxx

  • not sure if you deleted the health unlocked account to stop us all from nagging you, if you are still browsing the site when you wake up just know there are many people who value you. Try to value yourself too.

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