Disappointed with myself. Have been sliding backwards again.

[raymond47]

I feel like I'm improving and then something comes along and I can't cope and I am struggling. My sister's cancer has returned my son in law is in hospital with encephalitis and my son is getting married in two weeks. I am struggling at work and feel like I can't cope with everything. I must learn to cope with life's ups and downs without becoming obsessed with myself and how I feel and what I need. I have made a pact with myself some time ago not to do anything silly until after my son's wedding and I am managing to hold to that. I know I am selfish when I feel like this. Everyone talks about protective factors and I know my husband and family are supposed to be these, but when I am really depressed I don't feel it, I don't really care. I feel like I am in a cocoon and everyone else is distant to me, I think this is so I can't feel the pain. I use work as a distraction to help me carry on, but it has been so busy and stressful I just feel in a muddle and just hang on from day to day. What I would really like to do is go to sleep for six months and then wake up and find I am normal again.I feel sad tearful and lonely, I know thats the depression talking and if I hang on I will improve, but at the moment I really don't want to. My CPN says I am ill but I just feel like everyone will be thinking here she goes again, about time she sorted herself out. I am supposed to write in my mood diary every day and rate my mood but really don't feel anything so how can I put a number on it.I really want to self harm and the desire is very strong. I am hoping writing all this down will help release the tension a bit. I am home today as I couldn't face work and feel so tired. My CPN says to use my distraction techniques but I feel like I am not leading a normal life, cos I just occupy myself from waking to sleep with things to prevent me from thinking.

[Photogeek]

Hi there I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Firstly when we are Depressed we tend to lose our perspective and worry about everything, I know you worry about your family, but if your son in law is in hospital he will be getting the best care, and you have no control over how he does, Its hard too about your sister, but now you have to concentrate on yourself, you too are ill , even though its not visible and so on.

I think its hard to work too when you are in the grip of Depression, so really you need to ask for help, dont let it go on, as its harder then to get well. Sometimes things happen in life and I know I too find it hard to cope when things go wrong. But keeping yourself right is important for you and your family. We all feel distanced from everything when we are depressed. So please look after yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Hannah

[raymond47 in reply to Photogeek]

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I do find it hard to ask for help as I always feel its my fault I'm like this and should do better.

[Photogeek in reply to raymond47]

Hope you are feeling a little bit better, I am thinking of you.

Hannah

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi, sorry to hear things are difficult for you - it's awful when you feel you're on the up and then life knocks you down again. It sounds like you really are being hit from all sides at the moment - I think it's important to remember that many, many people would struggle to cope with all the things you have going on, even without depression making it tougher.

You're not at all selfish! Genuinely self-centred people never believe they are in the wrong, nor do they think they are selfish. They always think their self-interest is entirely justified and reasonable. It's a sad irony that selfish people always blame something else when they are at fault, whereas good/kind people always blame themselves when they aren't at fault, and feel they should be doing more even when they have the weight of the world on them already. You're a strong person to have coped as well as you have, there is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling that you can't take it on your shoulders any more. You need a break and some TLC sometimes just like anyone else - be kinder to yourself!

I completely understand wanting to sleep for six months and wake up ok. I often feel like that. Wouldn't it be so much easier?

Desire to self harm is very difficult. Have you spoken to CPN about it? Is there another way you could express it - maybe go to the gym for an ultra-tough workout?

Hope you feel better soon, will be thinking of you.

[raymond47 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

I do go swimming most days (another one of my coping strategies) and usually swim half a mile before I go to work as I find this helps with my anxiety. Unfortunately at times, like now its just not enough. I try and act as if everything is okay but on the inside I feel pretty desperate. I will try and talk to my CPN again, I have told her about the self harm and she says to use my distraction tecniques, and this is just a blip.I feel the pressure of keeping it together for my sons wedding and not upsetting everyone.

[Gambit62]

Sorry you are feeling so down. Try not to be hard on yourself though and don't listen to those voices that are criticising you - or tell them politely where to go - because they just aren't true.

Coping with a wedding is hard enough - let alone all the other stuff.

Totally relate to the wanting to sleep for 6 months.

When things were bad for me a few months ago I made a pact that I wouldn't do anything stupid until my last cat had gone ... and then he did have to be euthanised and I thought again about whether it was the right time to do something 'stupid' so I went out and got two kittens. They are scallywags - this morning my glasses became their latest toy - which is bad news as I can't focus more than a foot away from my face!

Sorry the urge to self-harm is so strong at the moment. Sounds like your mind is trying to find some coping strategies but hitting on the wrong ones. Glad that swimming works but sorry to hear that it isn't quite enough at the moment. Hope CPN can help

[Jeffju]

You have so perfectly described how we have all felt at one time or another. You have so much to cope with at the moment that I am not surprised how you feel. Things will seem to be crowding your head when all you want is a bit of peace. The best piece of advice my psychologist gave me was to take small steps at a time and not to look at the big picture as it is too scary., I did this last year when I was in the depth of depression and had to fly from NZ to the UK for my Dad's funeral. I really didn't think I could do it, but breaking it down into easy, small steps made it manageable, (not necessarily easy),, and I went and am still here to tell the tale. So don't look at the big picture, take one day at a time and break the day down into small steps.And I wish you all the very best.

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it, you have a lot going on and it's natural you will be feeling stressed. Why on earth do you think you are being selfish?! You are trying your best to cope but it isn't easy dealing with depression. It's sad that you think everyone will be thinking hear she goes again - it sounds as if you can't imagine they will understand and support you - has that been your experience of them? If so it's no wonder you are depressed - but if not then why are you beating yourself up, why not tell them you are struggling and need some comfort and support. It sounds like you are very capable but emotionally needy at the moment and that's a very normal human response to not having had your needs sufficiently met but trying hard to cope with everybody else's needs. Yours might not be as obvious and so you might think by comparison they are less of an illness but they are not - depression is just as serious as other illnesses and just as hard to overcome. Try to be kinder to yourself - perhaps you have not learned how to do that? I'm sorry if making you think about that causes distress but better to cry about reality than be depressed but not know why.

You are right when you say putting yourself into an emotional cocoon is self-protective - it's a way of ensuring nothing more touches you because it all feels too much already. You say you want to self-harm as a release. I found crying with a really cuddly rag doll as if it was a mother was the most helpful thing I ever did in that situation - I bawled my heart out and spent hours talking to the doll for some years and felt exhausted afterwards but actually felt better than being depressed and came to understand why I had felt so bad. Do you have anyone to talk to, a counsellor or therapist? It would help you to see a psychodynamic therapist, can your CPN refer you to the nearest psychotherapy service? They have a waiting list but at least you would be on it!

Suexx

[raymond47 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support, it helps to know your not alone. Have taken few days off work and feel a bit better today.

[Hidden]

Hi Raymond I am sorry so many awful things are happening with your loved ones at the moment. Don't they say it never rains but it pours. Don't be too hard on yourself - of course you are struggling at the moment - everyone would be. Be kind to yourself and your own best friend. Thinking of you. Lots of hugs.

bev xx