I went to a friend's wedding today. It is quite a good friend, who I knew from the beginning of secondary school, so we have been friends around 15 years. Although we haven't ever been each other's closest friend, we have always kept in contact and made time to each other when possible.
A couple of years ago he went off round the world for a year on a missionary thing. He met someone in Guatemala and that is the lady he married today. I was really happy for him when I found out he'd met someone as he is the nicest, most conscientious and supportive guy you could meet but he has always been unlucky with relationships.
This should be a fantastic day. But I don't feel like that. I haven't ever really liked weddings, I just find them all so similar. It is supposed to be about these two fantastic unique people who have found each other but everyone does exactly the same thing...it feels plastic and ritualistic and I can't connect emotionally at all. I do feel happy for them as a couple but on the actual day I've felt...nothing. Numb, cynical and depressed by it all. I utterly hate myself for feeling like that, for the fact that whenever someone said how moving it was I felt like screaming no it isn't, it says nothing about what makes them the people they are.
I used to think I didn't like weddings because I always went to family ones. My family don't get on. They are really two-faced at weddings, they'll tell the couple it's wonderful and then bitch and slate it behind their backs, and I can't be doing with that, I loathe it. If you can't say something positive, shut up...
So I always thought it would be different at my friends' weddings. But even when I was a best man I couldn't connect to it...it felt like watching two actors playing my friends, speaking vows written by someone else that they would never use themselves. My favourite memory of being a best man was the casual rehearsal service, where my friend said his vows with such sincerity and seriousness that his fiancé burst out laughing, while he stood there, eyebrow raised in mock outrage. It was so spontaneous and so typical of them as the people I know and love that I found that far more sweet and moving than the actual service, which was just like every other wedding I've been to.
Sorry for the lengthy post. I just feel like a horrible person and a really awful friend right now. I wish I could just be happy for them instead of getting on my existentialist soapbox, but I can't seem to help it.