It's me again. I am not looking for answers and I'm not really looking for support either because at certain times even knowing people care doesn't help. I simply want to write what I feel and know someone will read it. I'm not rejecting care, because care is lovely, but right now I want things changed that can't be changed and feel intense anger and frustration about that, which I suppose is better than distress or depression but I've been feeling one or the other for so long that I am exhausted and sick of it all (though not actually suicidal!).
The battle to deal with my negative feelings seems endless. I'm feeling negatively about my life much of the time even though I know I have and have always had plenty of good things - and before anyone suggests is - NO I do not need to see my GP or talk to someone like a counsellor - and NO I am not depressed - and NO I do not right now need to get out and meet people, although I need to do that in time - and NO I don't need to appreciate what I've got because I already do.
I am feeling unhappy, frustrated, lonely and bored a lot of the time, resentful about my childhood, incredibly angry and enraged to the point where I feel I hate everybody and everything because life has felt like a battle. I know some of you will identify with that! I feel like blasting everyone off the planet, at times feel I'm not a very nice person, at times feeling other people are not nice either, most of the time exhausted by the battle of trying to live with feelings from my past that are difficult to shift and feelings about things in my life now that perpetuate those feelings from the past but can't be changed. I'm sorry to blast you all with my rage but that is what I am feeling now. Often I drop into self-pity and distress because it's so much less exhausting than feeling the kind of rage I feel right now. I went to the gym a few years ago and loved boxing even though I have joint problems, am 63 and have limited strength, but hammering hell of someone without doing any harm really appeals to me. Sadly the trainer doesn't do boxing any more except formal training. Perhaps I'll join a boxing club.
Phew I don't exactly feel better but I feel that I've let off some steam. I was absolytely enraged! My current bout of anger was triggered by my husband. We are having a damp proof course installed across the back of our house and so have had to empty several rooms which were full and somehow get all the stuff into other rooms. My husband has renal failure and because of that I tend to accept he can do less, so I moved everything myself which was a massive job especially as I am overweight and have joint problems. It hurt me but I got on with it because it needed doing. Then a joiner came and took out all the units and worktop etc in our big utility kitchen as well as the washbasin and toilet, etc in out cloakroom, back to bare walls and brick and filth. It was a huge job which I arranged and then organised with the joiner where we could find to put all those things. Meanwhile my husband watched the semi-final yesterday and told me how wonderful it was - I don't mind missing Wimbledon but would sometimes like it if we lived a life that was shared in different ways - I won't go into the relationship - yet...
This afternoon I realised that because the workmen will need to drill into the outside walls - I felt stupid for not having realised that before, of course they will, they need access to the entire back of the house through our garden and when I looked at the HUGE number of heavy pots which needed moving, along with two benches, a huge four foot high pot, shelving, all sorts of small bits of pottery and things that were decorations, then plants that needed cutting back to make way for the men to get through I felt totally swamped as the damp proof course is being installed tomorrow and it was already 4pm today! I went to ask my husband if he could help me with some of the things and he said yes he was just finishing his dialysis, so I went into the garden and started work. An hour later I went inside to call him to ask if he'd finished as it doesn't take as long as that, he said yes he would be out in a minute, so I carried on working. An hour later I went and called again, he said he was in the middle of his dialysis. Stupidly I didn't think for a while that he couldn't be because he does them every four hours and was doing one only two hours before because I went into the room and saw him. So I carried on working. Eventually I called him again and he behaved innocently as if he didn't understand what I was talking about, then said he would come and help but never did. By then I had almost finished, it was 7pm. I felt so very angry with him, then he mentioned the final (which he could easily have put on hold or recorded) and that was it! I just wanted out of the relationship. I've spent my life asking for help and not getting it - starting as an infant when I screamed and rocked and head-banged and still no one came, then as a child when I would ask for comfort but got teasing or mocking, then sexual abuse, then a breakdown when I did all the things a child does for attention but no one noticed, then turning to my first husband when our second baby was awake and screaming every hour and a half night and day, asking him to take one day off work so I could sleep and his saying he would give me a ring at lunchtime to see how I was (great, that would really help) - so it goes on, those are just examples, they were what felt like endless times when I felt abandoned and had to cope alone or asked for help and was ignored, so today was like red rag to a bull. Perhaps I should stop raging now, but I still feel so angry.
Today I was researching in a somewhat chaotic way, trying to find some kind of help that might shift these feelings, looking at various CBT and other therapies, Mind, Saneline (NB I won't be using their blogsite again, people are so unhappy with it), oh loads of places, then realised it really is down to me - which is reality because only I can change how I feel and think - but of course that brings all the anger about when I had to take care of myself in the past.
I will finish now. I still feel rage but can't go on raging forever. Sorry everyone for writing so much, but I feel most of the time at the moment that I have just had it - but there isn't anywhere to escape to from life, not unless you are rich and can buy peace and oblivion without self-harming on alcohol or drugs...
Oh well, that's life. Bye for now and thanks for reading all this if you do.