Without words

Hi

It's me again. I am not looking for answers and I'm not really looking for support either because at certain times even knowing people care doesn't help. I simply want to write what I feel and know someone will read it. I'm not rejecting care, because care is lovely, but right now I want things changed that can't be changed and feel intense anger and frustration about that, which I suppose is better than distress or depression but I've been feeling one or the other for so long that I am exhausted and sick of it all (though not actually suicidal!).

The battle to deal with my negative feelings seems endless. I'm feeling negatively about my life much of the time even though I know I have and have always had plenty of good things - and before anyone suggests is - NO I do not need to see my GP or talk to someone like a counsellor - and NO I am not depressed - and NO I do not right now need to get out and meet people, although I need to do that in time - and NO I don't need to appreciate what I've got because I already do.

I am feeling unhappy, frustrated, lonely and bored a lot of the time, resentful about my childhood, incredibly angry and enraged to the point where I feel I hate everybody and everything because life has felt like a battle. I know some of you will identify with that! I feel like blasting everyone off the planet, at times feel I'm not a very nice person, at times feeling other people are not nice either, most of the time exhausted by the battle of trying to live with feelings from my past that are difficult to shift and feelings about things in my life now that perpetuate those feelings from the past but can't be changed. I'm sorry to blast you all with my rage but that is what I am feeling now. Often I drop into self-pity and distress because it's so much less exhausting than feeling the kind of rage I feel right now. I went to the gym a few years ago and loved boxing even though I have joint problems, am 63 and have limited strength, but hammering hell of someone without doing any harm really appeals to me. Sadly the trainer doesn't do boxing any more except formal training. Perhaps I'll join a boxing club.

Phew I don't exactly feel better but I feel that I've let off some steam. I was absolytely enraged! My current bout of anger was triggered by my husband. We are having a damp proof course installed across the back of our house and so have had to empty several rooms which were full and somehow get all the stuff into other rooms. My husband has renal failure and because of that I tend to accept he can do less, so I moved everything myself which was a massive job especially as I am overweight and have joint problems. It hurt me but I got on with it because it needed doing. Then a joiner came and took out all the units and worktop etc in our big utility kitchen as well as the washbasin and toilet, etc in out cloakroom, back to bare walls and brick and filth. It was a huge job which I arranged and then organised with the joiner where we could find to put all those things. Meanwhile my husband watched the semi-final yesterday and told me how wonderful it was - I don't mind missing Wimbledon but would sometimes like it if we lived a life that was shared in different ways - I won't go into the relationship - yet...

This afternoon I realised that because the workmen will need to drill into the outside walls - I felt stupid for not having realised that before, of course they will, they need access to the entire back of the house through our garden and when I looked at the HUGE number of heavy pots which needed moving, along with two benches, a huge four foot high pot, shelving, all sorts of small bits of pottery and things that were decorations, then plants that needed cutting back to make way for the men to get through I felt totally swamped as the damp proof course is being installed tomorrow and it was already 4pm today! I went to ask my husband if he could help me with some of the things and he said yes he was just finishing his dialysis, so I went into the garden and started work. An hour later I went inside to call him to ask if he'd finished as it doesn't take as long as that, he said yes he would be out in a minute, so I carried on working. An hour later I went and called again, he said he was in the middle of his dialysis. Stupidly I didn't think for a while that he couldn't be because he does them every four hours and was doing one only two hours before because I went into the room and saw him. So I carried on working. Eventually I called him again and he behaved innocently as if he didn't understand what I was talking about, then said he would come and help but never did. By then I had almost finished, it was 7pm. I felt so very angry with him, then he mentioned the final (which he could easily have put on hold or recorded) and that was it! I just wanted out of the relationship. I've spent my life asking for help and not getting it - starting as an infant when I screamed and rocked and head-banged and still no one came, then as a child when I would ask for comfort but got teasing or mocking, then sexual abuse, then a breakdown when I did all the things a child does for attention but no one noticed, then turning to my first husband when our second baby was awake and screaming every hour and a half night and day, asking him to take one day off work so I could sleep and his saying he would give me a ring at lunchtime to see how I was (great, that would really help) - so it goes on, those are just examples, they were what felt like endless times when I felt abandoned and had to cope alone or asked for help and was ignored, so today was like red rag to a bull. Perhaps I should stop raging now, but I still feel so angry.

Today I was researching in a somewhat chaotic way, trying to find some kind of help that might shift these feelings, looking at various CBT and other therapies, Mind, Saneline (NB I won't be using their blogsite again, people are so unhappy with it), oh loads of places, then realised it really is down to me - which is reality because only I can change how I feel and think - but of course that brings all the anger about when I had to take care of myself in the past.

I will finish now. I still feel rage but can't go on raging forever. Sorry everyone for writing so much, but I feel most of the time at the moment that I have just had it - but there isn't anywhere to escape to from life, not unless you are rich and can buy peace and oblivion without self-harming on alcohol or drugs...

Oh well, that's life. Bye for now and thanks for reading all this if you do.

Suexx

9 Replies

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  • odd as it may seem your venting has helped me focus on channelling my anger/anxiety right now. Have got to wait till september for my pill review and have been getting increasingly pissed at the practice nurse for changing my pill , guess the p.m.t. will have well and truely kicked in by the time I see her again, feeling sorry for her already -not. But have resolved to research some more on the net healthwise and be in a position to know what to ask for instead of as usual not asking for help. Meantime I shall try to keep my crazy lady in her box at least until the next appointment and get the other parts of my life in some semblance of order. Hope you can put your feet up now and watch the wimbeldon highlights, we finally won. ...

  • Glad it helped! I'm feeling more relaxed now too. Did he win! Great, although I won't watch it as I only enjoy it when with someone as it isn't especially my thing. Have fun, yeh crazy lady go back into that box. Have you ever come across the psychoanalyst Winnicott who wrote "we are sad indeed if we are only sane". I couldn't agree more, all the best people are a bit crazy. Byex

  • hi Secondhandrose, yep I did read all your post, What a great way to get things out of your head. God knows how you did all that on your own, I was feeling stressed and tired just reading it. Like you say, you don't want to get out and meet people or go to your GP etc. Sometimes it is just good to keep on typing away and rant away I reckon. Since finding this site I am sure it has helped be less anxious. Hope you have now found some time to do what ever you want to do.

  • hi sue

    no words just big hugs

    sarah xx

  • Hi Sarah

    Thanks, that's exactly what I needed right this minute. Suexx

  • I agree I was feeling overwhelmed and angry just reading your blog. It put me in mind of my friend who has a 9 month old son who cries for her when she puts him to bed and her partner doesnt help. I feel angry for her.

    Anyway what an achievement doing all that hard work by yourself!!! I love it when theres a job to be done and you do it sucessfully and completely so really well done you.

    I know what you mean about venting and not really needing a reply on here...sometimes I feel as long as ive got it all down and someone knows about it and has read it then thats enough. No1 can give you answers all the time.

    I just wanted to reply to let you know ive read it and empathised.

    hope you feel more calmer now sue :)

    Big hugs, Zoe xxx

  • X

  • Oh Sue you do sound in a right state. Its good that you can come and vent your anger in a safe place like this isn't it? I can feel your anger bursting from my computer - it almost jumped off the table! I'm surprised you didn't give it a heart attack... I would have to bill you for a new one then :p

    I only know that life has taught me never to expect but only to hope. To that end I am a pessimistic optimist. If there is such a thing?

    I remember being at work years ago and the manager was on one. A major one. I heard all the phones ringing and no one (apart from me) answering a call. I was really annoyed at being left to do all the work. Then I had a sudden flash of insight: I realised that I had no control over what others did but only over what I did. I was there to work and as long as I did my best then it didn't matter what the others were doing. That type of situation has never bothered me since.

    I also give you lots of hugs - special Sue ones (((((((((Sue))))))))

    Bev xx

  • Hi, everyone, Well I've been awake since 4am when my husband woke me with his clattering about s he got ready for work - yes he still works 3 days a week despite his renal failure - and just want to thank you all for replying to my blog. I can't be bothered to say anything else right now but will probably come back online later. Sue

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