I feel like screaming

I feel so horrible,I can't sit at peace for one minute. I feel like I'm being torn up inside,I hear screaming and screeching in my head,I wish I could crawl out of this body that's keeping me trapped on earth,and I wish my soul would disappear into nothingness so I wouldn't have to feel anymore..

I have ruined my whole life by making wrong choices,drugs,wrong men,crime etc.

My body's a mess of scars and ugly varicose veins from years of injecting and the scars of the lifestile that comes with being a useless junky.

I am 37,I'm alone,I have no kids,I isolate and hide away from people who care about me

and I just want it to end.

But I am still someone's daughter,someones sister,and I know it would leave them devastated

if I took the so-called cowards way out,but believe me,I've tried a few times,and it takes

more courage than anything else I've ever came across in my life.

I just want to stop suffering,want to make my family and loved ones proud..

I don't want to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety,dread and regrets. I want out.

but I've got to stay.

6 Replies

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  • There's nothing cowardly about suicide. Fear, maybe, but not cowardice. You know that are plenty of easy ways to end your life if you wanted to, but I don't think you do. I think you're stuck at the bottle of a deep, dark hole and you're looking for someone to pass you a ladder.

    I can see you've had a crap time, but you haven't ruined your life. You took an undesirable path but now you're at a crossroads. And that brings with it a choice to be made. 40 miles left for more of the same, or right for a new beginning.

    If you choose to go right, there is support available to you. But you have to make that decision yourself. Message me anytime you'd like to chat x

  • Hi

    I know that feeling, wanting to be able to run away from everything into death but feeling it would be too hurtful to the people I love.

    I think you and Suzie are both right, suicide does take courage in that it's the most frightening thing in the world to think of actually making it impossible to ever come back - most people who commit suicide don't think about being away and never having the choice to return, they think about the running away, and to that extent suicide is also about fear.

    Probably you both do and do not want to end your life. You do because you want to get away but you don't because even at your worst you don't want to hurt other people - probably if you were able to at the time you would also feel there were things you would want if only they were around in your life, love perhaps, a really great meal, the sun... most of us do love some things about life even when we hate everything, it's just that feeling life is crap - which it often is - gets in the way of feeling any love of life.

    You are suffering because you are blaming yourself so much for things that you have done because you didn't know how else to live at the time. You will also be suffering because you are lonely, unloved, and hurting.

    You can't change what you have done in the past. I know that sounds obvious, but you really can't. Those things are what you did when you didn't know what else to do. Probably you were trying to cope with pain. You can only start from the way your life is now because as you know there is nowhere to run to. Even death and the idea of suicide brings its own pain in terms of knowing it would hurt other people. There is no f...ing way out. Life has hold of us and as long as our bodies are alive most of us are trapped by the fact that we are alive and can feel and think.

    Loneliness is the worst thing anyone can experience I think, even worse than abuse because at least then we are noticed even if it's for the wrong reasons. Humans are not mean to be alone, we need other people, that's why we all write on the website.

    Do you have anyone to talk with in reality? To really talk with? You say you want to make your family proud and that you have done a lot of crap things in your life, well you didn't exactly say that but it sounds as though that's what has happened, but you obviously love your family because you want them to love you. Do they love you? Do you feel loved by them? Sometimes we forget to talk with the people we love and |I'm wondering whether you are able to talk with any of the members of your family. If you are then why not do that, tell them how lonely you feel, how crap you feel, how you feel you have done so many bad things to yourself and perhaps to other people. Why not tell them. If you can't talk to any of them then that goes a long way to explaining why you feel you have made such a mess of your life. We all need love and support, we really can't do without it.

    Do talk with your family if you can, and if you can't then do ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor or better still a psychotherapist so that you can begin to talk about what has made you live a life that you feel so crap about. You sound so self-critical and yet you will have been coping in the only ways you could. Now you can do something about that and let someone help you do things differently. Perhaps then you will be able to forgive yourself for being human.

    Suexx

  • I really think you should see your GP and try and get some help. You are obviously very distressed and in need of help which could help you get out of that deep, dark hole you are in and you can start over. You have plenty of time to re-route your life and try and make a new start. I have a friend whose son committed suicide and , believe me, that family will never get over it. So please find some help and also look towards your family for support. They love you unconditionally. On this site there is always someone to listen and help, so keep blogging. All the very best. xx

  • Hi Holly, you are very Depressed, try and put your past behind you, and focus on your New Life from now on, your still young, I wish I was your age. Its never to too late, I too often wish I had not taken this decision, changed this job, moved to this area, we are not perfect, know being an addict must be terrible, with its repercussions on mental and physical and social health. Now heres what I think might help.

    1. Get yourself to a Doctor immediately. They will put you on the right path, ask them if there are any support services locally.

    2. Tell your family that you are hurting and probably feeling guilty over your life choices,

    3. Check out any drug recovery meetings in your area, you will meet people who are

    going through your pain.

    4. Be glad that you took this step, this tells me you want to live. You are worth it, and

    you are valued as a sister and friend, I am sure. Also at 37 you could meet someone,

    when you get stabilised and have your own family.

    5 When you start on medication it will quiet down all that turmoil in your mind, and enable

    you to see clearly, what needs to be changed in your life.

    6 You will need to put supports in place to make sure you do not slip back.

    Keep posting here, as we will all support you and care for you, so now get on the

    phone to your GP, you are in pain and hurting.

    Hannah and a big hug for you.

  • Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, I know I don't want to die because I know there is a better way of life, and I couldn't cause that much pain to my family ,I already have caused them so much worry and pain over the years.

    I'm close to my mum, and I do talk to her, and she's such a strong woman and always there for me, but unless you have been to the depths of despair yourself it must be hard to understand exactly what it feels like.. but I am so grateful to have her, she's never turned her back on me, but at the moment I'm not being completely honest with her..

    She knows I am struggling with mental health problems ,and she knows I was on drugs for nearly 20 years,but I got clean 2.5 years ago,(with the help of a 6 month stay in a residential rehab,and then stayed clean for another 5 months until I relapsed..)

    She doesn't know I'm ball-deep in addiction again, and I haven't the heart to tell her because I know how much it would hurt her..

    I kinda lost the plot a bit a few months ago and have since been referred to a psychiatrist, but I had to wait 3 months for an appointment. Another 2 weeks to go.. I just feel confused,hopeless,guilty,ashamed,useless,scared,constantly on edge, and I'm sorry for my ramble but I can't even seem to be able to string a sentence together.

    I just have to keep telling myself things will get better, and never give up, I just don't want to live in pain and misery anymore.

    Its 27 degrees outside and I've got to wear long sleeves because my arms are a mess from selfharming, and trousers because of the state of my legs,and it makes me angry,at what I've done to myself, I had no right,my mum gave birth to a perfectly beautiful healthy life, and I took that away from her.

    Thanks again for all your kind words, and its good to know I'm not alone...

  • Holly hope your ok. We all have. To start again sometimes so don not feel too guilty. I had a few start again times myself. Addiction is an illness and you are waiting to see someone, you Mom would rather you confided in her. Mums are strong. Try and take it one day at a time and you will get through. Don't feel a failure. You are human. And you want to make a fresh start. Keep in touch.

    Hannah x

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