I feel despair today. I'm feeling really lonely and don't know how to cope with those feelings. We had a workman in this morning so I interacted happily enough with him but then he left. My husband is too tired from renal failure to want to do anything other than sleep all afternoon and I really wanted to do something as all I've done is stay in the house or go shopping at the supermarket for ten days now and by nature I like to do a lot and be with people, and so I started to feel lonely. I felt low and thought maybe I would go to the M&S superstore anyway but there seemed little point as we don't need anything and have too much of everything as it is, then I thought I would go to a garden centre but don't need more plants as the garden is also too full to manage, then collapsed in distress and self-pity and drove home. All I wanted to do was to cry until I fell asleep, like I did during the breakdown when I was a child, but the idea of that felt exhausting too as in reality I was bored and lonely and not tired, so I've sat here doing nothing except looking on e-bay, facebook etc for another afternoon and now I feel what's the point in life. I haven't even managed to find the motivation to eat anything all day which I know won't have helped my mood. It just all feels pointless.
I need to make more friends. I have three really good friends 30 miles away where I used to live before I remarried and have a couple of other friends that I see now and then, and I spoke yesterday to my sister who lives the other end of the country and who I haven't spoken to for over a year as we never really got on, but apart from that I only know the workmen who come to the house and the postman. I often feel that no one would notice if I was dead although in fact that isn't true because my husband would be distraught and my children who both live a long way away would also be really sad to lose me. I know that I do matter to those people who know me and I am lucky about that, also that I'm lucky to have a nice house, garden and enough money. I just don't know how to cope with the day to day loneliness.
I've thought a lot about how to make new friends. Obviously I need to join things, classes, groups, voluntary work, something, but I can't find anything that feels remotely the sort of thing that I enjoy. I do like lots of things - music, art, intellectual things, alternative things, gardening - the sort of things you get in some areas of a cosmopolitan city - and I go to concerts and galleries sometimes with my three friends, but I can't find anything that I might want to do in the town where I live on a day to day basis. I feel as though I'm living on an alien planet although that can't be as true as it feels. There must be some people living in the town who are similar to me - although I am quite unusual and a bit eccentric - but I don't know where to find them.
I just feel better for writing and probably some of you will offer support and care which will be nice as I feel in need of both.
I hope you are all enjoying the sun, I'm enjoying seeing it from my computer.