I'm feeling low today but have just had a half hour burst of pure escapism listening to music from the 1950s on youtube. For a while it made me really happy, singing along to songs that I loved during my teens - I think people in care homes should have music from their era played as I'm sure that would help with their depression! Now I'm still smiling but feeling a bit low as well as I realise how meaningless it is to escape into things even though it was pleasurable. I can't win with life and depression!
This week I have therapy tomorrow, then see the CMHT on Thursday and I'm also waiting for a reply to my letters from my long term attachment figure. Lots of potential support and yet I feel low. I'm feeling quite anxious and ambivalent about seeing the person from the CMHT having read so many negative reports of other people's experiences. I tried googling the person I am seeing but he doesn't appear and my fantasy is that he will be some young well meaning lad who has been a social worker for a few years but that I will know more than he does and feel completely frustrated. Some of that may turn out to be true, but of course in reality I don't know what he will be like. I just feel nervous of feeling traumatised which I tend to feel when I am frustrated as a result of not feeling understood or more particularly of feeling blatantly misunderstood which it will be all too easy for him to do as my history and situation is complicated. I've written a two page resume which is comprehensive and clear and will take that with me so that I can refer to it and not end up leaving out relevant bits of information which paint a completely different picture of how I feel and why. I'm wanting to ask whether there are any sources of support locally as for a specific reason which I don't want to expand upon at this point I may need support later in the year, but my fear is that by going through the NHS I will be making things worse rather than better - I've always managed to keep myself within the private sector so far apart from asking to be referred to a specific very experienced person within a specialist service many years ago. Now I will be down as a mental health referral for general assessment and by someone unknown to me and perhaps inexperienced and that feels quite difference. I feel dependant upon someone without knowing who they may be and whether they are trustworthy in even the most basic sense. I know other people have written on here about having explained their problems and finding the response harmful, so feel very wary but at the same time don't want to cancel at the last minute as that will also look bad on my health record which may come back to hit me in the face at a later time. I wish I'd never contacted them in the first place! Probably it will turn out to be ok, I'm just nervous.