In recent weeks I have been doing quite well and even managed to cope relatively well with a series if public events that I had to attend through work. It was all going ok until the second to last event where I found out that a family friend has been diagnosed with cancer and had a few months to live. I was shocked and very upset and had to leave the event because I couldn't face listening to people complain when it suddenly seemed irrelevant.
I was fortunate in some ways that my counselling session was that night and I have since been dealing with the news fairly well, considering.
If my working week(s) had been stress free, I think I would probably be coping ok now. But having done two 6 day weeks in a row and numerous public meetings and another one tonight, I have reached breaking point. The hardest thing for me is tht I try so hard to get things right for everyone that when something goes wrong I feel like I've completely messed up. For example the tea and coffee I requested for the meeting apparently hadn't been paid for and I feel like it reflects badly on me and I take it to heart that I didn't book everything properly. Thankfully it was all sorted but I still feel like I shouldn't have made any mistakes. Another hard thing about my job is that I (and my team members) are constantly told we can't do our jobs. I think we all take that personally, but when people say it to me I have to hold back the tears. I feel like I have been trying so hard to prove I can do it, and I've been trying so hard to beat this depressing shadow that follows me that I should be able to do everything and get it right.
At the moment I feel absolutely exhausted with my life. I have a couple of weeks holiday coming up (thankfully) and I need to give some serious considerations to my future. But right at this moment I want to sleep and I don't want my alarm to go off tomorrow. On the one hand I don't want to be defeated, but on the other, I have no energy to defeat it!