My neighbours are moving today - I had got the impression a few days ago that it was a few weeks before the actual move so a bit of a surprise to see the removal van outside when I got back from my morning run.
Saying goodbye isn't really something I'm that good at - intense emotions and I just get lost so tend to avoid them ... there is probably also a legacy from my father who was an evacuee during WW2 and although I can't consciously remember him avoiding goodbyes I can't remember him really taking part in them either ... it's something I'm aware of so try to be a bit less of an ignorer of the fact that I have an emotional response these days. I wouldn't say that they were really much more than neighbours - but it is a change and I'm not really good with change either ... and may be its a reminder of how transitory relationships can be ... and I don't think I ever got over losing my best friend at nursery school when I was 4 - was there one day and then moved away the next and never saw her again ... and have never had a friendship that I felt was like that since so maybe there is a bit of the emotional memory of that pain going on.
Anyway, I did sort out a few bits and gave them to the husband so they had something to remember me by and he gave me a bit hug and said he'd miss mowing my lawn
A few weeks back a colleague left at work - he's another one who doesn't really feel comfortable doing emotions but was someone that I'd chatted with quite a bit as we were often in the office together quite late ... I had to leave before his leaving do and think I was probably having a few problems coping with large groups of people at that time anyway - so I looked him out about the time I was leaving and made sure that we did have a chance to say goodbye and he gave me a big hug and seemed very grateful that I had made the effort. That made me feel good - can still keep in touch as he's working for a related organisation so not the end of the world.
Yesterday I finally had my appraisal meeting for year ended 31/3/13. Was a lot of a bummer really - not in terms of getting a bad assessment but in terms of making me feel that there is no hope for the future. Boss saying that I've been there for 7 years and I'm not happy and it must be time to go. I'm feeling that I don't know what his natural role is within a team but I certainly don't feel it is leader (or certainly isn't inspirational leadership). I worked in a related organisation with him over 10 years ago and I'm aware from that that, although he tries to be supportive, he really doesn't manage to do that. He's very task orientated and I don't think he can get past that. Another colleague came up to me a few weeks ago and empathised greatly having had B as a boss himself for a number of years. Another colleague got to the point where she had had enough and handed in her resignation at the end of last year even though she didn't have a job to go to so know that isn't me - though I really can't put my finger on what it is that he is doing wrong.
On one level it isn't my problem - its his and the organisation so I shouldn't be feeling that I need to solve it (Note: listen to self - good advice) - and if I'm completely honest it is things that are going on in the organisation as well that are making me feel bad - massive restructure last year which started without any clear idea about what actual costs would be or even what the reporting structure was so rather than finance team just preparing management accounts each month I found myself continuously having to redraw reporting templates. We also have a new director so everything feels as if it is continuing to be up in the air. I just don't feel I can provide systems that are as responsive as all this change requires (and I don't actually believe anyone else could with the resources that we actually have).
Last year I was miserable. I had very little support from HR whilst trying to performance manage a member of staff - partly because they were as overstretched as Finance coping with other changes and partly because of staff changes within the team. This seems to have changed now and I have had some quite good support over the last couple of months. I was out of the office for few months with a broken ankle and nobody picked up the performance management so quite stressed about having to start it all over again - but have done that. Report concerned does seem to be focusing on things a bit more strategically - so there may be hope there - though communication is still quite difficult.
I also feel as if there is nothing creative in my job and boss seemed to be confirming that. The more I reflect on it the more I think it is actually time he went and found something else - which is another thing he more or less said in the appraisal.
Find the whole thing a bit bizzare - to shocked to really feel angry about it
Really don't know that I'd be happier anywhere else and sort of putting off doing much possitive about looking for another job - something will turn up. Trying to focus elsewhere rather than going mad thinking about work - had a week off last week and was actually feeling more positive in many respects but yesterday was a bit of a bummer ... or at least that bit of the afternoon was. Today has been my day off so I've had time away from it doing other things - like looking at butterflies - think that is good for mindfulness - certainly makes me feel a lot calmer. Its rather dull at the moment so I'll probably not go out again for the butterflies - just do a run at dusk and say hello to the bats instead. Physio on the ankle tomorrow.
Still putting off going back to the GP.