My Door is SHUT!!!!

Well im back in my room and my door is locked.I have had little sleep and have the worst headache because of the stress I feel. I have grinded my teeth so hard my mouth is starting to close(happen's when im stressed) so no chewing for me and it's bloody sore.I hate myself for feeling like this and it's at time's like this my voice's kick in and my head is spinning. I can't focus on anything...This has taken me over an hour to get this far..I have been told I am to see the Mental Health team and get this sorted but all I can feel is dread.I wish at time's I didn't opt to tell what was going on and have my box of mask's back but I am tired and I don't have the strength to fight anymore. I feel ashamed,useless and such an embarasment.I want to cry but have no tear's left..The pain is so strong I feel just let me GO!!!!..Even this when I read it makes me cringe...I pray for the strength to go on even just to see the Mental team...god but im a mess....

18 Replies

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  • Hi Butterflykiss

    I am so sorry you feel like this right now..i wanted you to know I understand...

    Hang in there, I know it's hard and it feels so so bad....but the bad feelings do go..it's a battle we have, I know because I battle too.....I can empathise with you feeling ashamed and useless so much...I hide myself away too...but I do have some good days and then I can rationalise with it all...

    I'm not sure when you are seeing the mental health team..is it soon? There is help...you are not alone in this....

    Thinking of you on this journey of ours....

    Keep blogging and chatting on here, it has certainly got me through a number of very dark moments......

    Love sue xx

  • I really do thank you and yes I have good day's in fact they are so good it scare's me and I am all over the pace. When I have my good day's everyone is happy and I feel I can move mountain's but then BANG!! down door closed, headphone's on and thats me for at least4/5 day's. My mood will be down for ages. This will be my 4 time and I will make it my last.Can't keep going on like this but I do understand everything you have said xxx

  • Depression is an illness butterflykiss. You didn't ask for it so please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed by it. Would you feel the same if you broke your leg? Depression is unfortunately still seen by many as shameful and they don't understand it. But we do here. I can only echo Sue's words - she always talks a lot of sense. You will get a lot better so hang on in there kid...Hugs xxxxxx

    Bev xx

  • Hi Bev, yes I no that and my family kinda get it but the doctor's think I am from another planet. Honestly, the last time I done the round's they just passed me round and round. I understand they need to get information to decide what would work for me but those people have no sense of what depression it and how it can grow just like cancer but im taking in everything that is being said..xxx

  • Hi Butterfly

    I echo the words above. However I am feeling a bit like yourself at the moment. I have been shut away in my bedroom with the blinds closed & locking myself away from the outside world.

    I am due to see my Community Physciatric Nurse on Wedensday morning & hope I have the strength to get through it.

    I am in that zone where I have my phones switched off & my door locked so that I dont have to see or speak to anyone.

    I am sorry you feel as you do but can empathise with everything you say.

    I wish you the very best of luck on seeing your mental health team.

    Best wishes

    Jackie xx

  • Jacki, have you been told you have depression and nothing else. I am asking you this because I was told I suffered from depression when I was 14, manic in my late 20's and now nothing so even I don't no who or what I am and that's very scary for me..Thank you also and I totally understand the locked room, to me it is my safe place but lately thr dark thought's have creeped under the door and im scared..x

  • I've been told I have major depression/anxiety & panic disorder. I've also gone through a Physcotic phase which I dont seem to remember & was put on a drug called Largactile for a couple of months which had me totally zonked out. I can honestly say I dont remember much about it.

    I hope this has helped you.

    Jackie :)

  • Dear Butterfly,

    I am in a rather similar position and can resonate with everything you said in your blog. Keep fighting, you are a very important person ! It is a cliche, I know but there is light at the end of the tunnel! Take advantage of all the support you can access, and little by little you will start to pick up and take control of your life once again, as will I. We can do it !!

    Take great care, and remember to be kind to yourself !!

    Damian xxx

  • I wish this was true for me also but and I am being totally honest here I am disgusting human and should not be here. Those word's echo in my head everyday and they are getting stronger and harder to for me to block. If only kindness I can do for other's but myself no..xxx

  • Hi, I did you try a different route. I work in Equine assisted learning and personal development. I s there any body in your area who offers it. As horses don't judge people and they give you a change to discover yourself and get you confidence back.

  • I have done and paid for myself lot's of different treatment's that are not on the NHS, and none of them worked as for the horse's, they are beautiful,fantastic, strong animal's but I am afraid of height's and it may sound silly but I couldn't even clean the outside window's of my bedroom house. I now live in a bungalow.Thank you for your reply xxx

  • Hello butterflykiss, Even while brushing a horse it can help to discover yourself and you can dance with a horse on the ground to express your feeling. Or I have face paint so you can paint on the horse

  • Hi Butterfly Kiss, my heart goes out to you, I know you are going through a hard time right now. I do know how you feel, I hope you get the help you need, and please be kind to yourself and dont ever feel guilty for saying it as it is. We are all one tribe here and I know no one judges anyone.

    Get through today and try to be good to yourself in the process, hope your feeling a bit better soon.I am sure we have all felt that despair, its hard. Big hug to you now.

    Hannah x

  • Thank's Hannah, sometime's it only take's the voice of another and it will help.So thank you xxx

  • I grind my teeth too when stressed, go see your dentist, maybe they will make you a guide to protect them. The headaches can be stress also a sign of depression. And sleeping problems, which makes it hard to cope, as you feel such a mess, and can make you feel quite low. come off tea and coffee using decaff instead as some people are quite sensitive to the caffine. It helped me, and take some herbal things from tescos, the makers of kalms, worked for me. Have a nice bath and set the scene for bedtime reading can make you more wide awake.

    Try some relaxation for helping you relax,, and to aid sleep. I hope that might help, it wont hurt you, put it that way.

    kind thoughts for you, Linda x

  • I am getting to sound like a pain in the butt now but ye's I have the tray's and even had an operation to fix the side of my jaw to stop it from closing..Didn't work and yes stress bring's it on.I am on relaxant's and sleeping medication both very heavy duty tablet's so Kalms and herbal I have tryed. When I am like this I dont look after myself and only leave my room to use the toilet.It's like I have givin up and I will go day's without washing or cleaning my teeth..Now can you see why I am so embarrased. If only they could tell me whats going on with my brain and them just maybe I would understand more and hate myself less..Thank you also Linda xxx

  • hi butterflykiss hope you feel better soon. i suffer from severe anxiety and depression and sometimes cant leave my house for days. i have been going through alot of depression lately and know how disabling it is. i cant be bothered to do anything at all. just getting washed and dressed is a big ordeal.dont be embarassed about how you are feeling it is a serious illness but it will get better. love sonia

  • Hey Butterfly,

    What sort of day have you had ? Have you had lovely weather where you are ?

    I've just moved back to my home after having spent the past month at my mother's address. Im just dipping my toes in, to see how feasible it its for me to continue to live at home. I am prepared to be open- minded and am not neccasarily resigned to it not working. I have the option of returning to my mother's address on Thursday evening,which is comforting. If not for my benefit I know it will do my mother a a power of good at least! I am a self-employed tennis coach and am aware that my busiest time of the year is passing my by.I should be making hay whilst the sun shines, and squirriling way a few nuts for the winter, but instead have just made a claim for employment support allowance to cover fme for the period I have been residing with my mother. The pressure for self-employed people to work is immense. I am worried about losing business and clients, and yet just as worried and anxious about coaching the sessions. Damned if I do, damned if I dont !

    Holding on just !!!!!!

    Love Damian