Who am I...Lost and alone

I don't even no why I am doing this. Who will ant to hear about me. I understand everyone has off day's but for me I feel lost.I have got to the stage where I don't even no who I am anymore.My life has been so erratic from childhood with the abuse and the not feeling "wanted" like my sibling's..I have been so destructive in my teen's, drinking till I couldn't stand just to escape my darkest thought's.Then I had my son and I felt so much love even tho I was 19 my son was born with down's syndrome.After a failed marriage I slept around with anyone but then I moved and found someone who I really loved.We had a son together but then he became abusive and beat me till I bled..He was a drunk who slept with my "friend's" and I tryed to get away..In between I met a older guy and he was great at first, to good now when I think back.Well I had a son with him and that we man was gona be my last so I had the operation and no more kid's for me..I had such a bond with my last child as I new there were never gona be anymore.I was still drinking and had OD a few time's as the darkness started to creep back into my head..I alway's said I would never do such a thing as it was a selfish thing to do but when I did I think I was looking for help but didn't no where to go..1994 was the happiest day of my life..1998 the worst day..that was the year my youngest son died in a house fire..Yes my own house, my fault.I got my 2nd son out the window but couldn't lift my 1st son as he was to heavy and I wouldn't leave him.I honestly thought they could get to my youngest son as he was in the front bedroom..After month's in the burn's unit I got distcharged and no help.My 1st son was badly burn't in the fire and the had to put in a trecha so he could breath. I just lost it and had a breakdown..Even when I got out from the hospital I just self medicated and drank to kill the pain..Today my life is all over the place and im bouncing off wall's for day's then going into real bad downer's and the only way out is for me to end it.I don't have the strength to keep going and my boy's would be free from having a CRAZY woman who at time's can't even tell what day it is..Help I have tryed but to me they treat me like im a nobody and I guess I am..I don't want pity and I don't make out this is my life. I have hiddin so much from my family but now I find it harder to do.I feel alone and lost and in a way maybe that's what I deserve...Well that's me and I would love to be able to get out of my room and not be afraid of the outside world but I ddo believe nothing is gona help me now...I just wish my family lot's of love and happiness in their live's because me im just an embarrasment now...I do think my ending my life would be the best thing for us all...

19 Replies

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  • Oh please don't go down that route love. You have had an awful time of it and I think you were incredibly brave to do that in the fire. I shudder to think about it. You saved the life of one of your kids. He would also have died without you. The fire wasn't your fault - shit happens - you are not to blame. You did your best. You don't say if you are having any treatment at the moment. If you haven't been to the doctors please go. You sound in a very bad state right now.

    You are NOT a nobody you are very valuable, to those who love you specially. Your life means something even though you don't think so now. Get some help please.

    You sound like a lovely caring person who has just had bad breaks. Stay strong.

    Lots of hugs (((((((((butterflykiss))))))))) and kisses xxxxxxxx

    Bev xxxx

  • I do wan to thank yo for reading my rant and I am trying,really trying. I just can't pull myself together but I thank your for your kind word's x

  • I am not saying pull yourself together - you are not a pair of curtains - and I am sorry that you took that meaning from what I said. It wasn't meant like that. I recognise those feelings you have because I have had them myself many times. A classic sympton of depression is feeling worthless, but when you are depressed your thinking goes awry and you have to rely on others to help you keep your self-esteem. Thats what I was trying to do - boost your self esteem and say what I think came across in your blog. Does that make sense butterflykiss? Just try and take it one day at a time. I still think you are incredibly brave in saving your son.

    Loys of hugs love ((((((((butterflykiss)))))))

    Bev xxx

  • I agree with hypercat, how awful for you to feel that way, it sounds like a very dark place. Sometimes awful things happen to people and could you have imagined allowing your kids to have felt the way you did? I'm not pitying you but I feel like crying for you as I can only imagine how awful it feels. We hear you, and there is support here for you. You don't deserve to feel so worthless, you have to stop talking to yourself like you wouldn't talk to others.

    You do need help and support so please go and be honest about what you need, you deserve it and so does your son. I think it seems you need treatment and therapy and to think what you want out of life again. Rome wasn't built in a day, and you can't do it all at once, but you won't have the energy if you don't get immediate help - and use it. Substances aren't the answer, lots of us have slipped down that route. You can do it, you are valuable! But we all need help. Will think of you today and send you positive vibes xxxxxxxxxhugs

  • You are also very kind and I have been for help but im just going round and round and I have got to the stage where I have no fight left in me.Thank you for leaving me a reply x

  • I'm working today, so if you answer and I don't reply I will check my iPad later, its NOT because you aren't worth replying to so don't go down that route. People on here do care v much about what others go through xxx

  • What a terrible time you have been through, I can't imagine losing a child but it must be devastating. You are a very important person to your children and they need you. You are also very important to us on here and , maybe, we will be able to help you. I think you should go and see your GP and tell them exactly what you have written on here and how you feel. You are in a very dark place and need help which is there for you. Please go and seek help, you are a good person who needs help at this point in your life. And blog away on here, there is always someone who will read and reply. All the very best to you.xx

  • It get's harder every year that passes. I had him with me 1 day smiling and laughing then to be told he was 6ft underground....It is killing me..x

  • Dearest butterfly, I agree with both above!

    You have suffered immeasurably! You are not alone!

    No matter how much you may feel you are undeserving and would be helping relieve embarrassment & suffering of those around you by dying, that is NOT THE CASE!!!!

    I KNOW how hard it is to believe but there is a better way and those that are embarrassed by your troubles are thinking of themselves and are not worth you notice!

    You sound as if you need to get proper medical evaluation and help and I hope you can! If not you can get an advocate to approach the GP to begin with and list the traumas, behaviours, thought processes and degree of self blame and loathing so that you get appropriate grief counselling, medication and rehabilitation from dependence on self medication which just unbalances you even further.

    You will undoubtedly be suffering malnutrition, even poisoning from excessive levels of some and severe deficiency of other vitamins, minerals and trace elements required to survive and function!

    Your hormone levels are probably all over the place and stress from grief alone will have you in adrenal shock that you have never allowed yourself to repair by self-medicating. All of these substances and self neglect that we turn to in dire overwhelming circumstances just to numb or cheer for such a short moment but give us an even bigger crash after, just leaving cravings for that momentary peace but the body accustoms itself to chemical assault of alcohol, malnutrition drugs etc until no matter how often you use them the effect you think is beneficial (maybe numbing, or euphoria or even just mood stabilisation) just will not occur in response to that stimuli. But each attempt to recapture it just poisons the body, and unbalances the natural repair cycle even more until it just feels impossible to cope and the professionals just see depression or grief or need for rehab or. .......

    The list is endless. It is NOT that YOU are A NOBODY and you should not be treated as one!

    Saying the fire was your fault, saying you are bouncing off the walls, then this depth of suicidal ideation may be low self-esteem or indicative of an underlying condition maybe! Drug use, alcohol abuse for any reason, hormonal imbalance like thyroid problems or imbalance after hysterectomy are all possible causes of psychoses, neurochemical imbalances and are also linked with behaviours of undiagnosed attention problems or bi-polar disorder, chronic depression etc ..........

    again the list is endless and requires a professional to assess, in order to whittle down the presenting symptoms, history and behaviours to identify the right diagnosis and then find a suitable programme of recovery.

    Your pattern of abusive relationships may be a pattern from underlying childhood trauma and might benefit from psychological services.

    I'm sorry I've gone on & on like a lecture on conditions of mental health and they may not hit a chord in any way with you. I really am not trying to tell you what you have or must do but, like many of the people suffering similarly, you have extremely complicated and overwhelming events that would take down an elephantine strength human being and you have continued to battle through this far; it is therefore no wonder that again like them, you are SO low and it just breaks my heart to think that you don't have the right help and support and feel so alone, blaming yourself. I set fire to the kitchen last weekend and was lucky that I managed to get away without any significant damage because I could focus on just putting out the fire I dread to think what I would have done if I had been in your situation with other people especially children in the house.

    If you can just get yourself help and although it is hard work takes way too long and the mental health services are pitifully slow and sometimes apparently extremely insensitive through the odd uncaring individual staff or team, lack of appropriate funding and an ever increasing patient base of people struggling the horrors of some of the darkest sides of society; it is worth the struggle!

    When you are fighting to overcome the moroseness of depression you honour all loved ones; when you manage to overcome the problem you are honouring those that you have loved and supported, the further you can get to assisting others eventually, again honours and shows deferential respect to those you have loved and those loved and lost! No matter how low we fall, the fight back, then the life we fight to follow makes people who have cared for us past and present proud and happy.

    As we begin to 'shine' with confidence and determination people warm to us and these better stronger new friends help us stop abusive behaviour toward us from new and old relationships at all levels.

    Take care of yourself and good luck you DESERVE it

    Love and hugs Aurora xxx

  • You are a very wise and understanding person, NEVER EVER loose that, you will be able to help so many people and there are so many who need someone like you. You have a great mind, they way you take something and put it into it's right place, its a gift. I read all that you put on here and I would be the kind of person who would try and aid other's as I have had year's of dealing with my own problem's that I found talking to other's and maybe helping them made me forget about my own but I am getting old now 48 and I find I can't help my demon's from staying.They are getting stronger and I am getting tired.I have been round the block and seen so many people but now as before I could manage my mood's till having no control and I am on watch 24/7 now by my family who are so loving to me but I feel it's not real love and I would be better out of here and back with my son..Thank you Aurora even your name seem's special xxx

  • I'm sorry it's going to be very short as I'm waiting in doc's car park for ECG! But I can hear how long and how hard you've tried & how deep and painful the hurt it is amazing and testament to your strength you've already coped so long!!! It really is xxxxx

    But I am 48 in couple of weeks and by sound of it although far from same probably not as bad have been through the mill too and was saying exactly the same after losing babies under different circumstances and I know how tired and desperate to stop I was but honestly even hitting rock bottom and feeling forsaken by all you are loved even by a stranger like me, you are needed and it is such a waste of a very special life and potential life to give in.

    Try to ride out this most recent exhaustion you've come so far already

    Xxxxxx

  • Hi

    I'm not suprised you are struggling. You have had a very hard time since a very early stage in your life which also means you have lacked the kind of supports which give people the strength to cope easily with whatever life throws at them. Some things that have happened to you are tragic, all will have been traumatic.

    You say you are bounding off the walls and I would be doing the same after the experiences you have been through. I am wondering what kind of supports you have now, if any. Have you had any specialist help with PTSD for example, because you certainly will be needing it. Also have you been offered an opportunity to join a support group for people who have been abused. Sharing the emotional and other effects of having been abused repeatedly can be really helpful, no-one can change the past or completely remove the pain but I know from personal experience that sharing pain at a really deep level does change the way it feels, takes the sting away and leaves a deep sadness, not depression but just grief and calm. You can be helped to reach that point. Your GP can refer you for specialist psychotherapy within a local outpatient unit and there are groups within the NHS primary care for people who have been abused, you can self refer to the local CMHT and ask them how to join. It is hard at first to find the strength to take on something new especially the idea of joining a group but like writing on this website once the first step has been taken it gets much easier.

    You also need other kinds of support. I don't know how you are coping in a practical way, don't know whether you are still looking after children, living alone, etc. but you may need emotional support at least to cope with those things. I don't know how long ago the fire happened but you may need support in coping with the effects upon your son as well as on yourself. You will need help to grieve for the son you lost if you haven't already done so. It all depends how long ago it was and what has happened since.

    You have had abusive relationships repeatedly and although the abuse is never your fault your childhood history has led you to become involved with men who are abusive and also led you to be unable to prevent them from abusing you. Perhaps you also have more general problems within relationships as a result of the abuse, particularly difficulty in trusting men. You can be helped with those problems by talking with a relationship counsellor such as someone from Relate where you usually only have to contribute according to your means.

    Do try to seek some help. It would be sad for you to leave your living children with the legacy of having lost their mum to suicide which is far worse than them having a mum who has struggled for reasons that are not her fault but can give them an example of how to overcome the problems life throws at them. You clearly care and will be a much better mum than you think you are. However hard it is, you would not want to hurt them further and can be helped to overcome your past.

    I would like to hear more about your life if you feel able to write more, as there may be more specific advice that I or other people on the website can give you. I do know people writing here will care and all have experience of difficulties of their own.

    Take care,

    Suexxx

  • I want to thank you also I agree with everything you have said but it's to late for me now. I have trust issue's witch don't help and that is why I came here.Yes I have my house and my eldest son is 29 and he has down's syndrome and a trchea to aid breathing and also require's 24/7 care as anything could block his open airway.My 2nd son from my marriage is 28 and he has a son who is 6..My son by my 2nd partner is 24 and live's only 5min's away. So I have my own family round me...When my son died it was june 1998 he was 4 yrs old and 1 day he was skipping down the street with me and when I came to at the burn's hospital they told me he was dead and burried..I never even got to say goodbye.....I never received anything ay all..Nothing and after 7month's I had a breakdown and was in hospital for 16 week's and that was a joke..saw 1 doctor and that was it.So after I moved back to live behind my home that burnt down I did struggle but that was where my boy's wanted to live and I owed them that.Money has never been a problem except my boy's are foever telling me to stop giving it away.I don't mean to sound like I have loads of money it's just it makes ME feel better.I do have a fantastic partner right now and we met as friend's and now he takes care of everything.shopping,bill's,food and now my son.My son was my life line but I have been told that I said I would take him with me and that has scared the life out of me. So there that;s a bit more about me.and thank you also for taking the time to ask..You also seem very caring and understanding and I am sure you will help many many people xxx

  • Its not too late for you. Don't give up. If you don't care we do! You are part of this community now. Don't do anything silly please. Come back in as often as you need. When you think of ending it all blog instead. We will do our best to try and help you through the crisis. Get your partner to take you back to the doctors - he can speak to them for you. We wouldn't be bothering to post messages if you didn't matter to us. YOU DO.

    Can you handle more hugs? ((((((((((((((butterflykiss))))))))))))

    Bev xxxxxxx

    Ps love your name.

  • Thank you Bev, it remind's me of my son a beautiful butterfly who give's me load's of kiss's. I have taken time away to think about all that has been said by ALL the lovely people on here and to be totally honest I am down. I have locked my door and all I want to do is be alone.I find doing this is better as my family will understand that I am down but they don't have to LET ON anymore and try and make me laugh. It also help's me as I can't pretend anymore that I am ok. I used so many mask's before and got away with it but now I don't have the same fight in me.I have got a bit of light in my darkness and I am to be seen again by the Mental Health team so I really hope that something help's...Thank you for your kind word's, they do make a difference and I just hope and pray that if anyone is suffering that they come on here and see for themself..Thank's again for the HUG'S and I send big Hug's back to you xxx

  • Aw thank you love. I could do with all the hugs you can spare :)

    Bev xx

  • hi butterflykiss i know what it is like to lose someone. my mum die at christmas 5 days after my little dog got run over and killed by a car. this happened last year then a month ago my brother died he had schizophrenia but he had a heart attack. i thought i would never cope with all this. i dont feel much better but think i am getting there. i also had an abusive relationship for 15 years. finally got out of it with my 2 children about 23 years ago. but it still affects my life, i dont trust anyone. i beleive that you have alot of courage and are alot stronger than you think.

  • big hugs to everyone on this site. it has been good to me.

  • I have just read my post over again and its still has everything in it that i feel right now. I am wondering can we ever get over our own demons or are there people out there who won't let us forget. I am asking this because of a post that i read and in it i found that we both have similar problems with our mothers. Is it possible to get over some thing even if that person who gave birth to you, in a way dislikes you for whatever reason. I am not wishing my birthmother dead..never would i wish that for any of my family, even if we don't speak...I am wondering if when she passes, if it's before me will i feel different..this sounds so horrible and i am not wishing it or thinking it. My question is would i be able to move on a bit if i didn't have the shadow of her in the back ground..

    Sorry for such a dark question but i am clutching at straws

    you never no where you will find a answer

    Thank you BK x

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