I don't even no why I am doing this. Who will ant to hear about me. I understand everyone has off day's but for me I feel lost.I have got to the stage where I don't even no who I am anymore.My life has been so erratic from childhood with the abuse and the not feeling "wanted" like my sibling's..I have been so destructive in my teen's, drinking till I couldn't stand just to escape my darkest thought's.Then I had my son and I felt so much love even tho I was 19 my son was born with down's syndrome.After a failed marriage I slept around with anyone but then I moved and found someone who I really loved.We had a son together but then he became abusive and beat me till I bled..He was a drunk who slept with my "friend's" and I tryed to get away..In between I met a older guy and he was great at first, to good now when I think back.Well I had a son with him and that we man was gona be my last so I had the operation and no more kid's for me..I had such a bond with my last child as I new there were never gona be anymore.I was still drinking and had OD a few time's as the darkness started to creep back into my head..I alway's said I would never do such a thing as it was a selfish thing to do but when I did I think I was looking for help but didn't no where to go..1994 was the happiest day of my life..1998 the worst day..that was the year my youngest son died in a house fire..Yes my own house, my fault.I got my 2nd son out the window but couldn't lift my 1st son as he was to heavy and I wouldn't leave him.I honestly thought they could get to my youngest son as he was in the front bedroom..After month's in the burn's unit I got distcharged and no help.My 1st son was badly burn't in the fire and the had to put in a trecha so he could breath. I just lost it and had a breakdown..Even when I got out from the hospital I just self medicated and drank to kill the pain..Today my life is all over the place and im bouncing off wall's for day's then going into real bad downer's and the only way out is for me to end it.I don't have the strength to keep going and my boy's would be free from having a CRAZY woman who at time's can't even tell what day it is..Help I have tryed but to me they treat me like im a nobody and I guess I am..I don't want pity and I don't make out this is my life. I have hiddin so much from my family but now I find it harder to do.I feel alone and lost and in a way maybe that's what I deserve...Well that's me and I would love to be able to get out of my room and not be afraid of the outside world but I ddo believe nothing is gona help me now...I just wish my family lot's of love and happiness in their live's because me im just an embarrasment now...I do think my ending my life would be the best thing for us all...
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