Most of today was pretty awful.
Nice thing was that I did manage to drag myself out to practice some running up steep slope - trying to increase the range of movement in my left ankle after breaking it last December - and saw two different varieties of blue butterflies - blues are my favourites. A holly blue flew across the path as I was cycling to the embankment that I'm using ... and then when I did my first real downwards run I spotted a small blue in the grass - ironically they have brown upper wings but the underwings are very white and they look like little specks of silver when they are flying in the sun ... there was another one a few feet away just perched on the grass with its wings closed (the picture above is a small blue) ... so I'm glad that the sun came out this afternoon.
Don't really want to talk about the other things - just feel totally numb. Too much going on at work and I'm really starting feel like a cello string on a piccolo. Time to get out but all seems rather hopeless and I'm not sure what the local job market is actually like at the moment ... don't think it's that great. Has been a lot of change - structural change - over the last couple of years and as accountant I've found myself needing to change the structure of the management accounts almost every month and that has left me really exhausted. I don't feel I can cope. My reporting management accountant who really wants to do a good job has been failing to do a good job. And now we have a new ED and I think there is just going to be more change and it feels as if a lot of it is really superficial and I feel the money would be better spent on other things. Last few days the sense of dread has been building up and this morning it was so bad at work that I just felt completely numb ... and I found out that I had accidentally left a page of a confidential document in the printer last Tuesday causing some very understandable distress to the person concerned but I'd been left unaware of it for several days and so hadn't been able to do the only thing I could do to put it right which was apologise - which I did immediately. Feel awful I did it but feel upset as well that it went on for so long. Right now I don't feel I can carry on - that's mainly about the job but there are those thoughts in the background.
All told that's probably quite good for not wanting to talk about it
At least I haven't got to go in to work tomorrow because I'm part time and don't work Wednesday. Scarcely function the rest of the week at the moment
Couple of days ago I was out for my morning run and just found myself aware of the fact that it was almost painful just doing that little piece of interaction with people out walking their dogs which is saying hello. Think painful is the right word. Just wanted to withdraw into a little shell ... don't think I actually cried when I got home but I know I was pretty close.
Not angry about feeling low, or guilty or anything like that - just something that happens and it will probably go away in this form in a few days. Coping with the thoughts of how nice death would be - just don't let them spook me anymore because I know what is going on so don't get caught up in a vicious circle.
Mum's birthday at the weekend - probably a stressor I could do without, but then that's what mothers are for
Also a bit worried about being asked to play in a bowls match at the weekend - I've been getting so exhausted in the home games and at home we take a break half way through whereas that doesn't happen if we are away ... and it's a place I don't actually like - refused to let me have a cup of tea afterwards a few years ago because all the drinks had to come from the bar and I really wanted something hot not something cold at that point ... as will be the case after the match this time. Sure that everyone on my team will do their best to look after me but I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to get so tired that I'm in tears ... and I probably will be.
When I broke the ankle and they had to operate to put a pin in the bloods came back with a B12 deficiency ... which might have been the fact that the options that I could face at the time food wise were the vegan options but it has had me wondering, after a year of having periods of feeling totally exhausted and really unable to cope, if it isn't a longer term condition ... trying to eat plenty egg regularly and do like cheese (and cream) ... and I've been taking B12 tablets ever since ... and I'm on a course of injections. I've tried several times looking at what exactly happens with B12 deficiency but a lot of the symptoms mean very little to me ... though there are some to do with irregularities in the gut that do ring bells, but I've never shown up with an iron deficiency ... well I eat plenty of green leaf vegetables and take iron tablets ... the iron tablets really helped with the severity of period pain when I started ... and I don't really suffer from period pains now - just water retention, migraines and anxiety. Just realised that I don't know where the vial is for the last injection ... or when I'm supposed to have it. Must have put it somewhere safe
Like butterflies. Like goldfinches and chaffinches - just the way they fly around in little groups - really cute. But if truth be told I'm really a cat person. Have a really lovely soppy cat - a real pussy cat but getting rather thin now - hyperthyroid and probably some kidney problems ... but think his sense of smell has gone as he has two mouthfuls these days and walks off ... and he's deaf so there isn't any point in calling him ... though it does mean he's rather loud when he miaows - still hasn't got the hang of just because he can't hear himself doesn't mean others can't hear him. Still, it's nice to have some company on the bed at night and he does give me an incentive for getting up (to feed him) ... even if he was also quite instrumental in the broken ankle ... it wasn't his fault though.
Think it was jeffu who posted a link to somebody's cartoon on what it is like to be depressed. Found it interesting and could totally relate to the fish being dead ... but couldn't quite relate to the trying to do appropriate faces to match what people were saying ... think it hits me in a slightly different way - finding the interactions really difficult seems to come before the being numb inside and by the time I'm feeling really numb I've stopped interacting so trying to match what people should expect by way of response is totally irrelevant. Doubt I'd be any good at it anyway.
Boing! Time for bed said Zebbedee - now there's a reference that will well and truly date me
Tomorrow is another day ... will reserve judgement on whether that is a good or bad thing