Ex is coming back for a few days...I need to escape!

As detailed in my previous blogs I split up with my partner of 8 years last year. We bought a house and moved in together a few years back & that was when it all started to go wrong. It was a combination of things really - clash of personalities, my anxiety, depression & chronic mood swings (dysthymia) didn't help. I found myself hating him (it is true that some people really do change for the worst when you live with them) a year after moving in together & kicked myself that I had not taken heed to the fact that he had been married twice before, the second marriage lasting only 5 months - she walked out. But, due to circumstances I stupidly kept up the facade for another 5 years by which time I had been sleeping in the spare room on and off for 2 years.

I finally ended it with him last year by which time he had already moved out and got a job overseas. I have been staying in the house together with my 18 year old son (from my marriage which ended 14 years ago). The arrangement was that we would sell the house once my son had completed his A-Levels (next month).

The last year has been very difficult. My moods and emotions have been all over the place, more so than usual. I have good days but they are far outnumbered by the bad days. I think of suicide often but then I think of how this would ruin my son's life. He has done so well with his life so far..Head Boy..excelled academically..hoping to study Maths at a top University this year. This all despite the fact that he has a moody cow of a mother and his real father has not bothered to have any sort of relationship with him since he was 10.

The thing is my ex partner is coming to stay for a few days next month so he can sort out his things. He is still working overseas but wants to put his stuff in storage before the house is sold. The thing is I'm terrified of the prospect. The thought of him being in the house again and having to walk on eggshells, toxic atmosphere and the threat of explosive arguments hanging in the air. The mere thought fills me with panic, dread and sends my anxiety levels through the roof. He says he is going to be sleeping over (in the spare room of course). It's his house too so I can't really say no.

I have to get away. Go somewhere for that time. But where? I have no family & friends that I could stay with. Due to my depression & anxiety I've always found travelling extremely stressful. I also hate change of any sort & get very disorientated and find it mentally draining when there is a change in my routine. I tend to get very low when I'm on holiday & this lasts a while after I've returned home.

I have been looking on the internet but not sure that I have the mental strength to hop onto a plane & fly off into the sunset. I am now tying myself up in bits thinking about all of this not to mention all the stress & upheaval when we come to sell, my son leaves for Uni and I have to move into a place of my won. All change.

Anything suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

21 Replies

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  • Oh yeah I can imagine how that feels, have experience of something similar,,,how about booking into a hotel not far away...if its only for a few days change of scenery, and you won't have to go far..???

    I think I would rather be out of the way too...

    Sue xx

  • Thanks Sue. Yes, a part of me thinks that I should really make the most of the week (I run my own business so am able to take the time out) & go further afield but I just don'k I could cope with that as well as everything else that is going on. I was thinking of going to somewhere like a health farm & detox for that time but that would probably also be stressful. Everything is stressful to me! I sometimes wish I could go to one of those sleep hospitals & be put to sleep for a long time.My brain is so fried!

  • Just go to a nice hotel with a spa and chill, you could even just watch movies in your room, if you don't feel like doing anything....I did that once....a while back no one to bother you....

    Let me know what you decide....

    Sue xxxx

  • That sounds like a great idea..there are a couple of nice spa hotels in my area. At least then I will still be in familiar surroundings. Half my problem is I just don't know how to relax so perhaps then I will forced to! Thanks Sue x

  • Spa hotels so relaxin. Hope it works out ok for you...

    Let me know how it goes

    Sue xx

  • Hi Sue, I have booked into a Spa Hotel for that week. Included in the price lots of pampering treatments which I desperately need. Thanks so much for the idea x

  • Oh I'm so pleased...I truly hope you enjoy that..and everything else fits into place ok for you :)

    I wish you well

    Sue xxxxxxx

  • Thank you Sue xxxxx

  • Hmmmm ..... you need to be careful here. Can you be sure that by leaving the house for a week you will have a house to return to?

    You may jointly own the house, but he is not entitled to reappear and stay there for a week. I think his request is a very unfair one to be honest.

    I can understand that he needs to be local in order to sort his affairs before the house is sold. Could he not book into a local hotel, and just visit during the day?

    Does he have a key to the house? You are within your rights to change the locks, making it a crime for him to break back in. I discovered this from personal experience.

  • Hi

    I'm unsure why you feel HE has a right to come back to stay for a few days and you have to find somewhere to go - surely if he can afford to come back from working abroad and wants to collect his things HE can stay in a local b & b and just have access to his things? You can stay in your home and have a friend with you for the FEW HOURS when he needs to pack and collect his things. You really do not have to allow him more access than that! If I were you I would be suggesting that SOMEONE ELSE collects his things and that they go into self storage and then he sorts them there!!

    Suexx

  • Hi,

    I've just read Suzie's reply and agree with all she's written. Do NOT allow him free access to your home, he does not have a right to enter it without your permission and if I were you I would keep complete control whilst being reasonable - have someone with you and allow him to knock and be allowed into the house for set hours while the person is with you. If you do not have anyone who can come to be with you during the time I would suggest YOU move all his things into one room and allow him only into that room and make it clear that he must leave by a particular time - if at all possible have someone come at that time and if he has not gone by then do consider threatening to call the Police as it is not right that you feel intimidated in your own home.

    Suexx

  • he does not have any "Legal"right but if he has been paying towards the mortgage during all the time he has been away then I can see Ziggys dilema! he may not have a legal right but fairness is an issue ! (Sorry been through this myself I owned my house outright and left due to an unfaithful girlfriend who had my son had the same arrangement re she could live there till either my son left home or finished his education, ) if he agrees just to stay for say 2 nights perhaps you could manage that without it causing a problem?obviously you would have to agree on ground rules! sometimes a compromise saves grief ! sorry if I have said the wrong thing I do not mean to offend!! Del

  • Thanks for your reply Del, our messages crossed. As I said in my post below we are on amicable terms now. When we split up a year ago he agreed that my son (not his) and I could stay in the house until he finishes A Levels (next month) when we would put the house up for sale. He has been paying the mortgage for the last year & I have been paying all the bills. In fact he was paying for everything 2 years before we split when I was made redundant. I am now self-employed so can support myself but it has taken time to grow the business to that stage & I would not have been able to do it without his support. He would never do the 'dirty' on me otherwise I would never let him stay without me being here. I just don't want to fight anymore.

  • Thanks Suzie & Sue for your comments. Yes, I had this problem last year. I had just broken up with him. He was still living & working overseas & he wanted to come back to the UK for a few days to see friends etc & he insisted on staying in the house for those few days. We had just split up & I was an emotional wreck. I refused as I didn't think it appropriate as we were no longer a couple.He kicked up such a stink saying it was his house & I couldn't stop him etc. He eventually backed down but not after a terrible fight.

    Yes, he can stay in a hotel - he is very wealthy but he won't this time. He has the means to get solicitors involved etc & in my current state this would just tip me over the edge. He is still paying the mortgage on the house & I am maintaining the house plus paying all the bills until the house is sold. He is not the type to clear me out etc (he has no need for the stuff now that's he's overseas). he just wants to sort his personal stuff & put into storage. He has even offered to do the odd DIY job around the house before the sale.He is very much a control freak and if I were to make things difficult for him he would make them even more difficult for me. People say he has been more than generous & fair by not insisting on the sale of house when we split up a year ago & continuing to pay the mortgage.

  • Hi, Oh that all sounds reasonable then, the issue is how you can FEEL ok about him being around - can you have a girlfriend to stay when he's there, or go out during the day for girly times or similar, something that gives you time away from what's going on? Hope it goes ok. Suexx

  • Hi Sue, I can't stand the thought of being around him again. The thought of it sends me into panic attack mode. We had a very volatile relationship especially the last 2-3 years..lots of confrontation & fiery arguments. By the time I broke it off (we had been together 8 years!!) I was (and still am) an emotional wreck. I get anxious just thinking about being in the same room as him - it brings all the unpleasantness back. So, I have booked that week in a spa hotel - I need the break & to de-stress x

  • Hi

    Good for you, so long as you trust him to leave the house with that's great - if you have any worries perhaps try to find someone else to sleep over in your absence.

    Enjoy the spa break! Be pampered.

    Suexx

  • I am glad you are going to a Spa, I feel its not fair that he comes to stay especially as you are separated, I dont care if he pays the mortgage, its still a bit much. So he can just come back any time and you will have to move out. I still think you should tell him not to do this again, its very unreasonable behaviour. Be assertive with him and tell him how you feel. Enjoy your break and take care.

  • Hi Photogeek, yes I know it's not right as we have split up but we still jointly own the house and he has been paying the mortgage. I just don't want him to make things difficult for me. I will try & forget all my troubles when I am in the spa x

  • Hi Ziggy, I understand the position you are in, and I know it is a difficult situation, make sure and enjoy yourself in the Spa and it will help you.

    Hannah x

  • Hi Ziggy

    How are things? Has he been yet? I hope it's ok for you.

    Suex

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