As detailed in my previous blogs I split up with my partner of 8 years last year. We bought a house and moved in together a few years back & that was when it all started to go wrong. It was a combination of things really - clash of personalities, my anxiety, depression & chronic mood swings (dysthymia) didn't help. I found myself hating him (it is true that some people really do change for the worst when you live with them) a year after moving in together & kicked myself that I had not taken heed to the fact that he had been married twice before, the second marriage lasting only 5 months - she walked out. But, due to circumstances I stupidly kept up the facade for another 5 years by which time I had been sleeping in the spare room on and off for 2 years.
I finally ended it with him last year by which time he had already moved out and got a job overseas. I have been staying in the house together with my 18 year old son (from my marriage which ended 14 years ago). The arrangement was that we would sell the house once my son had completed his A-Levels (next month).
The last year has been very difficult. My moods and emotions have been all over the place, more so than usual. I have good days but they are far outnumbered by the bad days. I think of suicide often but then I think of how this would ruin my son's life. He has done so well with his life so far..Head Boy..excelled academically..hoping to study Maths at a top University this year. This all despite the fact that he has a moody cow of a mother and his real father has not bothered to have any sort of relationship with him since he was 10.
The thing is my ex partner is coming to stay for a few days next month so he can sort out his things. He is still working overseas but wants to put his stuff in storage before the house is sold. The thing is I'm terrified of the prospect. The thought of him being in the house again and having to walk on eggshells, toxic atmosphere and the threat of explosive arguments hanging in the air. The mere thought fills me with panic, dread and sends my anxiety levels through the roof. He says he is going to be sleeping over (in the spare room of course). It's his house too so I can't really say no.
I have to get away. Go somewhere for that time. But where? I have no family & friends that I could stay with. Due to my depression & anxiety I've always found travelling extremely stressful. I also hate change of any sort & get very disorientated and find it mentally draining when there is a change in my routine. I tend to get very low when I'm on holiday & this lasts a while after I've returned home.
I have been looking on the internet but not sure that I have the mental strength to hop onto a plane & fly off into the sunset. I am now tying myself up in bits thinking about all of this not to mention all the stress & upheaval when we come to sell, my son leaves for Uni and I have to move into a place of my won. All change.
Anything suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.