Apologies for the rambling story but I wanted to put my latest saga into context:
I have been doing quite well for a while, I stil have moments when I feel a bit sad but it doesn't affect me and I can deal with the sadness much better. My anxiety on the other hand, is a very different story.
I've also been quite a self conscious person and I have never liked being the centre of attention but my depression has had a big impact on my confidence so I feel more self conscious about how I look and come across etc. so when I found out I had to go to some big public events for my job the panic sirens in my head immediately went off. My manager has been good and has been trying to reassure me that I'll be fine, but I find it hard to explain to people that unless I have that belief other people's words (as kind as they are) have little meaning, does that make sense? So I have been worrying about these events and trying to work out if I can get out of them, which realistically I can't unless I go off sic which probably wouldn't do me any career favours, only to discover last week that I was mean to be presenting to a group of people on the work I had done recently. My two other colleagues were also told this at the same time and to say we weren't impressed was an understatement. Not only did we not want to present, we certainly we not briefed about what we were presenting and to just how many people would be there. We were led to believe that it would be a small internal group. Wrong, at least 50 people who thought they knew better than us were there. I was terrified but it was too late to back out without causing a scene. My legs were shaking before I'd even got to my part, I rushed through and could feel my legs and voice shaking. It was horrific. I was so angry and upset that I'd been put in that position. I had to leave after that as I could feel tears in my eyes.
Now I'm hiding away under the duvet not wanting to face the world. It's sad that a few hours on a Friday morning has had such an impact on my emotions and has stopped me from being 'me' again.
I think the most frustrating part of depression and anxiety is how easily your recovery can be tainted and how quickly you revert back feeling low when it takes such a long time to pick yourself up and get back to 'normal'
Tomorrow is of course another day and hopefully I will feel a bit stronger and at least make it out to face the world x