How many people have to phone first before they can see their daughter or grand kids???

Time had passed, it was a sunny day, So I said to my daughters dad, shall I go buy the grandkids some ice cream? He urged me to go in to her house, saying that hes been trying to get me to visit the grand kids but I said no,, four times,,,,(since I was acused of bad mouthing my daughter) I just said she needs to get help for herself.

I wasnt keen, because I know what its like. I went in with the paper because Iknow the acward silences, 7 ice creams in hand. I would let the kids come to me. (as I was told my daughter was bad mouthing me to all the kids) So they might be a bit,,, unsure of speaking to me.

The little girl was telling me of her role, dancing, and showing me the moves. The little boy, was telling me about he new game consoles,, or what ever they are called

Unknown to me fireworks were going on in the garden, then the husband come home, he looked like thunder.

ex husband said lets go.

My daughter left a message, "dont come over unless you have rang first"

I left it to the next day,, before I replied,,,, just said,,,,NO.

All she does is makes these excusses to control everyone with her moods and sulks and trantrums, hense her husband coming home.

Got home, and a barrage of abusive phone messges, and the elder kids involving themselves I just said its between your mum and me.

Then thinking it was a joke before,,, my grand daughter said i remember the hammer you threw at me,,, I thought to myself,, having brother who taught me to throw, and aim, and do boys stuff,,, if I had thrown a hammer at her I would have killed her... oh heres all the drama coming.

Then my other grand daughter texts,, saying why did you tell my mother about, blar blar blar,,, because I didnt say it,,, you did,,, and that I was bad mouthing her mother,,, I had said,, she should get help for herself,, and that it was the grand daughter who was mixing trouble.

what to do, my daughter tells all her friends on face book, and the last time, I came to help at the garage, as my son in law, was falling behind on the paperwork, and it would help me to get out a bit, she was texting everyone and having a laugh behind my back with all the people there, saying my god shes still there,, whats she doing there,, and they all were laughing,,,it just hurt me soooo deeply, I couldnt say anything,,,I got a text from her by accident, and thats how I found this out...

The other time she was shouting at me in the street, swearing and accusing me of something she hadnt got her facts about,, while my other grand kids were in the car,,,

how much more do I have to shut my mouth about,,,!!!! Im so hurt,,,

4 Replies

  • I am sorry, sounds like serious communication breakdown and you all need a relationship counsellor to mediate in order to prevent the awful debilitating hurt you must be feeling.

    I actually read this post because I ask my Mother to ring me first, in fact I prefer texts, and I thought it might be a similar situation because she says things (totally without malice) that I perceive as incredibly judgemental and sometimes dismissive emotionally blackmailing and controlling; I know many of my replies, my tone occasionally and my avoidance of all contact hurts her as much.

    I feel incredible guilt about this because I love her dearly and appreciate all she has done for me often with great sacrifice on her part but I can't help it ... In fact it is a problem I have with all people! I have no friends but am friendly with a few people I see rarely, I have meltdowns if someone tries to just pop in without warning me first. I have hidden from the odd unexpected friendly visitor and once after an interaction with people at University which I perceived as a particularly vicious attack and I fled from the campus before it could escalate even further as the tutor seemed to be fuelling it.

    The next day a fellow student on the same course appeared at my door to check I was ok which was so so kind but although I managed to answer the door I couldn't speak to him and just paced up and down my head in my hands saying "I'm so sorry J, I just can't do this I'm just not up to seeing anyone today, I can't I just can't". I thought he'd never speak to me again but being a Psych student and sensitive person he left and just reiterated that he was there for me if or when I needed someone's support and guidance. I really did not mean to be rude or terse but just couldn't bear to be near anyone. I'm sure this is mainly from the Aspergers and adult ADHD but the anxiety, depression and particularly low self-esteem colours my perception and obliterates my ability to see possible reasons for others actions toward me and then I turn it back on myself immediately feeling the blame and hurt even more intensely.

    In your case it sounds as if your daughter is being very insensitive and lacking compassion the reasons may involve encouragement from others or lack of understanding of your intentions and needs she could be overwhelmed and pride prevents her accepting that she needs help the list of possibilities is endless and not my place to say so I'm sorry but I do hope you both manage to find a way to communicate harmoniously again.

    Good luck and take care of yourself


  • Thank you for your imput, but its only me she does this too. I live with her father, andnow he just stays in his room aplogetically. I think he feels bad, as im sure they have been bad mouthing me. Maybe he has been in amoungst it who knows.

    I just feel now, as though I want to break away, and just leave, But asking him to leave would be better so I can get on with my life , alone. And im sure be better off.

    Ihave seen her lay into her kids with fists,but they stand byher,,through fear, and the kids try to defend themselves by, showing her they havent nicked her stuff by showing theirs with receipts, and she screams at them, daring them to challenge them, which must confuse them, as which ever,, they are in the wrong. I hate abuse because my father andmother were abusers. Yes i have been to social services, andshe lied, and made out butter wouldnt melt in her mouth. They believed her. Again me not being allowed to see them.

    She never sees her behaviour is wrong!!! :(

  • My advice to you would be to stay well away and , I know as a mother, this won't be easy for you. But at the moment you are buying into her moods and bad temper and you are getting extremely hurt and upset by this. If you go around to her place you are playing into her hands and by staying away you will not get hurt and , just maybe, she will realise that she misses you after a while. I apologise if this would not be the right advice for you but, for myself, I know buying into this type of beahaviour upsets me greatly and by standing back you can space yourself from it and so not get so hurt and upset. All the very best to you. xx

  • Its what I call a no win situation. The grand kids think you didnt love them enough, and end up hating you, I agree with you. To rub salt into the wound,,my daughters father lives with me, and he goes to see them all, on friday nights,, I think I shall get myself sorted, and either move,,, to forget, or ask him to leave, Because I dont want to be taken for a,,,,, or that someone is keeping an eye on me, or, and it stops me from not thinking of them.

    thanks jeffju

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