I'm back from visiting my daughter in Mexico City - I was booked for a three week visit but actually came back after 10 days as a result of feeling so ill. The altitude made me very breathless, pollution levels were at their highest for many years and the temperature was over 90 so the combination meant I struggled to do anything. Then there were lots of other stresses including an earthquake (!) a neighbours all night party that was loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood and the dreaded diarrohea which left me weak and almost a stone lighter, although annoyingly I've since regained some of that weight which is a shame as I need to lose it! The experience was a bit of a nightmare althugh it was lovely to see my daughter and meet her boyfriend and his family.
Since returning home I've been feeling low again. The diarrohea is clearing up I think so that's ok, but I have no appetite, constantly feel negatively about things and easily break down into feelings of distress and despair. I'm finding writing to an attachment figure helpful but as soon as I finish saying what I need to then I feel lifeless and despairing again and only find it's relieved by going back to the letter and spending more time on that. My life feels so narrow and I just can't find any motiviation to change that. I saw my GP and have asked to be referred for CBT although I don't have belief that it will help with my particular negativity as I understand the causes and many of them have a basis in reality - can't get work, can't sell the house, husband drinks and doesn't relate, no extended family, both children the other side of the world, joint problems, etc. etc plus all the feelings left over from childhood, especially anger and distress for which I am STILL having therapy.
Writing all this is helping for a while anyway. I'll have a look at all your blogs - I've replied to a few but there will have been lots more while I've been away. I hope you are all ok and coping.