Can anyone help with what to expect?

Some of you may be aware from my previous blogs that many of my difficulties are related to my relationship with my Mum and the effects that her alcoholism have on me. Things are pretty bad at the moment and a couple of weeks ago a kind friend in work suggested her hubby (who works in this field) refer me to Kaleidoscope. I agreed and today someone called me to make an appointment. I have to go next Monday at 4pm.

Now I tried counselling a few years back but didn't get any benefit from it. We would sit for an hour, while she'd try and convince me that I could change my Mum's ways by talking to her. This has never been an option so I stopped attending. Now I am interested in whether this will be any different. I am very sceptical. Any one have any ideas on what I might expect from these sessions?

13 Replies

  • Hi Suzie

    Sorry can't help with it he particular counselling you mention....although I would say that maybe they have changed on how they will help since you last went to sessions, and sounds worth a try...

    Good luck with it....I hope someone else can be a little more helpful ...wanted to wish you well

    Sue xx

  • Thanks Sue! I was replying to your post as you were replying to mine! X

  • Great minds hey hahaha xxx

  • Prob should mention, the last counselling was through my GP. This is through a charity specifically related to drug and alcohol misuse x

  • It looks like that counselling is based in your needs from what they say on the Internet. Personally I'm not surprised that previous counselling was unhelpful as we can't change the way others behave, only our responses to them, and our boundaries with them / how we let them affect us.

    My health visitor described it really well in terms of fencing / where we keep people. You know how it is - some people make us feel drained and some people make us feel invigorated don't they? Some people 'push it' and want to take what they want, with no respect for others (me, me me, you know them, they always have it worse, it's always about them!) so we need bigger fences, perhaps barbed wire / electric fencing, where some wouldn't dream of pushing and not investing in you, you don't need a fence for them. The key is thing of the person, mentally prepare yourself and stop and think before you react / let them take and learn to ask for what you need without going to the other extreme of beingnsggressive yourself! Does that give you something to think about?

    Your mum is unlikely to change, but you can, and people won't like it when you start not responding.

    I haven't read your previous things and I hope your counselling goes well! Get what you need xx

  • Many people in your position find AlAnon helpful, where you can meet with others who have problems with the alcoholism of a family member.

  • Thanks for posting this reply - my husband drinks heavily and over the years that has damaged my feelings for him. I didn't realise AlAnon support the families of drinkers and will investigate further! Sue

  • Good luck with the Counselling, give it a shot and if it helps you that will be great. No one can help the alcoholic unless they want to change. I found Al Anon really helpful when I lived with Alcoholism and it is a simple but great programme. They encourage you to concentrate on yourself and take it day by day. Even though my partner died four years ago, I still use the Programme in my life and find it helpful. So I would say check Al Anon out.

    Hannah x

  • Well for one thing, its not your responsibility to fix your mother, and a counsellor wouldnt have said, this,, maybe you heard her wrong. maybe she said,, have you tried talking with your mum, and what would happen.

    Read a book called toxic familiys, by Dr suezane forward.

    I as a counsellor with a history of drinkers, would suggest, you,,, go to AA,,, to get a better insight,, or families of aa,,(sorry cant remember the name)

    Do a lot of reading self help books, find a counsellor that does work on the INNER child.

    It will help you see, how, who does what and what position they hold within the family. wether your a caretaker, (looking after the sick people) and what part you play in all this. You dont have to be a victim. Why people drink, and what it does to the families,,

    its very much a learning process, and distancing yourself from Their problem, its there choice to drink, not yours!!!

    take care, keep safe.

  • I didn't hear her wrong. And I remember very clearly the conversations we had.

    Thanks for your reply though x

  • Then she was being very unprofessional!!

  • Good luck with your appointment and well done for making that step. Living with alcoholism is so tough and it is good to find organisations that really know how to help you.

    I would like to give a plug for Al Anon too. It is not for everyone but I see it work miracles on people both in the short and long term. I have been going to meetings for a year and the programme really helps me to look after myself and detach with love from my qualifiers.

    Take care.

  • It would be worthwhile I think having another go with counselling because as someone said, they are not all the same and your perspective will change over time. Last time the counsellor was perhaps just responding to what you were talking about and not being directive. I.e. realising that although your mum seemed like the issue it should have been about your feelings instead. I've had this happen to me. My mum was alcoholic and I spent years talking about her in counselling instead of me. Familiar trap as that's how it was in the family. You get 'lost' even in your own counselling! Perhaps if you had another go and set out this distinction from the start you might feel safer talking about yourself. I felt totally buried in my family dynamic and very angry so like the person said above about boundaries these are very important but tricky to tease out coz alcoholic families as you clearly know are toxic! Good luck. ;)

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