Gone as far as having to see a 'shrink'

I put a blog on here quite a few weeks back when I was at my lowest. I won't repeat it all again save to say that last year I went through a pregnancy termination with my girlfriend who then left me. I found out that she has now moved on and met someone else recently and it has utterly smashed me. I keep churning events over and over in my head wishing I would have handled it better and not gone through with it. I wrote some of my thoughts to her last week, I have been in contact with her admittedly against her wishes but I feel I had to apologise and explain my discomfort at what we chose.

I have been through this twice before unfortunately several years ago with another person and have always had it play on my mind. When it came to the situation again my mind was not clear. There was a lot of guilt over the previous ones, even though they were probably for the best at the time I actually like kids and was thinking seriously about having one with that person years later, but I ended up leaving her. But mostly it's because I didn't feel confident in affording it and I thought it would be too much pressure on us in a small house, as it was I was going to have to move in with her over 150 miles away from where I'm from, and she already had 2 kids costing her a fortune in nursery fees. Her ex who killed himself couldn't even afford to live with her.

In the letter I explained my feelings but she turned it back on me saying if I was ready to be a father I should have manned up to my responsibilities. But we made the decision together? She did get very upset at the time and I then said maybe we should see someone about it, to make sure we were making the right decision. She rejected this. I wish she hadn't because what I really needed was someone to maybe mediate a little, get us both to think about possibilities and maybe clear my head. Obviously I was going to have some issues about this, anyone could've seen that...I then took it on myself to chat with someone but by then a week or so had gone by and she wouldn't change her mind. I just curse myself for not taking it on myself sooner and perhaps got a pep talk/confidence boost off someone and told to separate what had gone before. I don't know who could've done that and I didn't approach my family before I went to see her because she said don't tell anyone. Wish I'd have ignored that :(

She confused me so much after, saying that she thought she wanted a relationship but didn't, it took this for her to realise, she would have prob ended it at some point etc. Then I see that she can be with someone and I am devastated. I have had suicidal feelings almost every day, on meds, I've been to A&E and I have seen the doc. I have lost so much interest in life. The only positive right now is that I'm finally getting some paid work for what I like doing and some recognition. Had I had the confidence I could've done this years ago, instead of all the dead end crap jobs that paid me so little I couldn't have brought up a family on them. Due to this I am now set to see a psychiatrist on the 16th and I hope this makes some serious difference.

6 Replies

  • Hi there,

    You sound like a decent guy who has shown maturity and common sense in deciding the right time to have children. Too many couples have children for the wrong reasons, or after spur of the moment decisions (myself included). It sounds to me like your ex is struggling to come to terms with the decision you both made and possibility has some big regrets.

    These 'thoughts' that you are sharing with her. What do you hope to achieve? If she's met someone else, it's because she's reached that stage of the journey. You're not there quite yet, but that's ok. Sometimes it's the physical act of putting pen to paper that enables you to release your thoughts and feelings. It is necessary to send it, or could you write it and file it away somewhere? Or even write it here? I wrote a 'letter' to my Mum once, and posted it on here instead of to her. I felt so much better knowing that someone had read it, and realised that it didn't need to be her.

    It's good that you are addressing how you're feeling by visiting the doctor / A&E. They are the experts and can give you the ladder that you'll need to start climbing out of the hole. I'm really hopeful that your visit to the psychiatrist is fruitful; I'll be thinking of you lots x

  • Thank you Suzie that's helpful and kind - yeah there are one or two letters that I never wrote to her, one I accidentally sent her but told her to ignore. I know writing it out helps. I know she doesn't want to think of it anymore, but it all came out from her once I had asked her a few things.

    I think sometimes when you go thru a pain like this you need to get to a point where someone will almost say the magic word if you like, which will make you feel better, or you just need to conclude it to find peace. I just really wish she'd agreed to go and see someone that would have cut through a lot of particularly my issues and got us both thinking straight about the repercussions. I said to her that I thought mostly about the economics and the struggle which it definitely would have been. In all truth I was happy enough to be a father figure to her two kids, but not completely anti having one more at the right time i.e. when I was living there or nearer, in a good paying job etc. I didn't look at the bigger picture of how I'd feel among her family and friends etc and I just lost so much confidence in my abilities and potential due to my past relationships.

    However I feel it's just easier for her to say I didn't 'man up' - when she never once said to me she really wanted the child - just seems to me a breakdown in communications that we could have sorted out by seeing a couple's therapist or possibly talk together at the clinic where it was done.

    I don't know when/if this will all end, I just hope the psychiatrist can sort my head out once and for all. Thanks for your thoughts.

  • Hi Warren,

    This is the first time I am posting, perhaps because your situation spoke so directly to me. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate.

    My depression was triggered when my ex (who I had been been on and off with for the last 10 years -and who I thought I was getting back together with) met someone out of the blue, married her within a couple of months, and invited every last friend of ours to the wedding whilst dropping all contact with me. I was floored. And it opened a floodgate of anger, sadness, feelings of rejection and suicidal feelings that I didn't know how to control. Days turned into weeks turned into months... I am sincerely surprised that I lived through it. I had to do a lot of soul searching to pull myself out of the depression, and it still haunts me from time to time, but I work hard (and happily) to keep it under control; I know how to recognize the triggers and how to avoid the self-affliction (ie looking through old photos).

    It's hard dealing with a person who makes you doubt yourself, especially when the voice inside your head is speaking so clearly to you; it is a shame you were stopped from approaching your family in a time of needing advice and help. Whatever her reasons for stopping you, find solace in the fact that your instinct was to reach out to your loved ones...

    What she said to you about 'manning up' is juvenile. Never let anyone tell you that they know you better than you know yourself. Especially exes... If a person lashes out with the intent of hurting you then you know they cannot be trusted or listened to... Whatever your exes excuses, it doesn't sound like she deserves to have you in her life... Not being together is her loss, not yours. And don't get upset about what you imagine is going on in her life; how do you know she's not taking out her apparent frustrations on him now? People really don't change... Time has a funny way of making things apparent as it ticks on....

    The fact that you put pen to paper is huge. it is often helpful to give oneself a moment to write during times of stress and confusion; it's easier said than done though. Sometimes the overwhelming nature of the stress becomes too much and writing is the last thing you care to do.... that's when writing will be at its hardest as well. That's also when it's perhaps the most cathartic.

    You remind me of me. I too have suffered from extreme lows, and I know it's a symptom of my environment, past choices, and the people who have been in and out of my life. It is uplifting to read what you wrote because it makes me realize that I am not alone. But it also saddens me that there is someone out there who knows how I feel, because I wouldn't wish these kinds of feelings on my worst enemy. I think you're strong though. Stronger than you give yourself credit for. You seek help which is the hardest thing to do in our situation.

    One day you will be the father you want to be with a woman who is equally proud of being a mother. As Suzie said, so many people have children for the wrong reasons... sometimes it's hard to make the right choices when everyone around you are not, but your strength pulled you through, despite the self-doubt and sadness. You really are so strong. To have thoughts of suicide on a daily basis is so toxic, and it takes every ounce of energy to push them away...

    It's fantastic news that you've found work that makes you happy. There's something to be said about feeling a sense of accomplishment and progress in one's life. Just focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place. It's your life and it's up to you to make the decisions that will affect you. Don't ever apologize for making a decision that's right for you. Much better than letting someone else make a decision that's wrong.

    I could probably write all day, so I'll stop now. I just hope that going to see your 'shrink' is as helpful as you hope. Shrinks aren't there to answer questions... and they're not there to tell you what to do. (And if they try then be wary.) They're main function is to be a safe place for you to talk... it's through their questions and guidance that you will be able to speak freely and as you do develop a better understand yourself, your troubles, and the way to rise above them.

    I wish you luck on this bumpy road ahead. Life isn't meant to be smooth sailing; no one is without their struggles. Always remember that life only throws at you that which it knows you can overcome.

    Life wants you to be the strong man it knows you are.



  • HI Warren,

    You are going through a really painful time, end of relationships and the choices you both made are always difficult . We could all look back when the dust settles and think " oh if only we had tried this, or communicated more, but really things are as they are. I was married years ago and found I could not have children and I wanted to adopt and husband did not, eventually the marriage broke up, I often think, why didnt we talk more and so on, but you make the choice based on the information you have at the time, and the circumstances.

    Maybe she wanted the relationship to end, and painful as it is, maybe everything was for the best, as you deserve a good loving relationship with someone mature who takes responsibility and does not blame you for things. I am so glad that you are getting work you enjoy, that is so important to life, and really you can go forward now with hopes for the future. Time will heal the pain, you sound like a really nice mature guy who is open and honest, and you will have your own family when the time is right. Use this time now to build up your confidence. Take it from me, time will help, as I myself was devastated when my marriage broke up many years ago, The one advice I would give you is love yourself, Forgive yourself and don' t let yourself get isolated. Stay in touch with your Doctors and accept all the help you can. Let us know how you are getting on.Could I add that when we get Depressed, guilt always looms large, and that can be very hard, forgive yourself and use it all to be the best for your family in the future.

    I think everyone gave you great answers so I didn't go on stating what they had. Take care of yourself, you are not alone in this little community of ours.

    all the best


  • Thank you so much for your kind comments, they have really helped especially coming from women I am all the more grateful.

    Its hard to live with regrets but I feel this person has made a judgement on me and believed that I thought life cheap and disposable, which isn't the case. I only ever said it doesn't seem possible based on the facts she pointed out to me. As I said, I wanted us to get someone else's perspective on it and to me her saying no probably meant she didn't maybe want it. I think she finds it easier to turn it on me or expected me to dictate what we should have done.

    Anyway thanks for your thoughts and I'll let you know how next week goes.

  • I don't know if this is worth opening up a new post? Went for initial visit with the psychiatrist Thursday, explained the situation. We had over an hour which i had to interrupt as I had an interview. In the time we spoke he also wondered if I dragged this person down to the clinic for the operation, which of course I did not. It's definite guilt transferral on her part. We started to talk about my past, growing up etc which I haven't addressed with a professional before. I'm due to see him again Tuesday and I hope somewhere I can find some answers. One thing that I'm finding difficult is the loneliness. I try not to think of my ex together with her boyfriend but it's tough that I don't have someone myself that I could find comfort in. I miss taking the kids down to the park and things like that :(

You may also like...