Letting people down

[Randompam]

Hi all I am new here, I have coped with depression since I had my daughter 15 years ago since then I have had a bumpy road 4 kids, fibromyalgia, psoriasis, 2 abusive relationships and a mountain of debt. I have now a wonderful husband who supports me in everything a job I love and have paid off almost all the debt ( by myself as didn't want hubby to do it ) and my kids are polite well behaved most of the time and a house that is almost perfect and help out my friends and neighbours when I can.

So can some one please explain why I see the worst in everything and why I feel like I have let my kids , husband and parents down all the time when I know in my heart I haven't

I am a surviver and should be proud of myself for coming through the things I have done but just can't shake the guilt and feeling of letting everyone down

[Hopetobehappy2013]

Is it the habit of being afraid to hope all those years? It's also a habit / pattern /'concrete thinking for you? Think of this, it's also easier to blame ourselves than others as its scary when others hurt / abuse us so why are you surprised after doing it so long you still 'automatically' think of this when you had many years of not 'deserving' to be respected and cared for. Do you think perhaps therapy may help? Have you seen what's on offer locally?

- and yes, be proud of how you have not only survived but allowed yourself to be treated properly! Well done you! Xx

[Suzie40]

My depression was triggered by giving birth, too. And a fairly similar time ago as well. I'm reading your post and all I want to say is WOW! You've coped with a huge amount and in spite of what you've been through, you've raised four lovely children. That's huge credit to you.

I don't know why we see the glass half empty so much. I do well in work and then convince myself that everyone works harder than me, and that they probably all hate me for being lazy. Which I know, when the rational side of my brain is switched on, is nonsense! Doesn't stop those feelings being very real though.

How lovely that you've met someone so nice. I don't suppose he has a spare brother does he?! I'm sorry that you're struggling with these feelings of guilt. Depression is horrid isn't it. I'd like to be able to say something more helpful, but I will be thinking of you x

[Jeffju]

You have done so well over all those years and pulled yourself out of abusive relationships and everything. So glad that you have a lovely husband .. I have all of those things yet still have this damn depression/ anxiety. Life should be good and yet it takes the enjoyment away from me. We really MUST learn to recognise our acheivements and give ourselves more pats on the back. We are survivors and stronger people for that.all the very best. xx

[Randompam]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments my family have told me so many times I have done a wonderful job of pulling myself out of the bumpy road but never really believed it but hearing it from you guys have helped me reaffirm what my family have said today is the first day I have felt able to go forward and not look at my past in such a dark way..

6 year old said something that has given me a new perspective. " mummy when you are sad it just means I have to love you some more to make you smile again and today I love you round the world a hundred times" it made this morning a lot brighter and I have a great big grin everything I think of her big blue eye and innocents xxx

[coffalot in reply to Randompam]

How beautiful x