I apologise in advance, the situation is horribly complicated.
I have been a long time sufferer of depression. Every time I think I’ve escaped it with a day or two of relatively brighter moods, weeks and months of sadness, anger and anxiety follow. This negative extreme has been growing in particular over the past couple of years.
I currently live away from my wife and children. They’re in Canada whereas I’m in the United Kingdom studying for a university degree. Our marriage last August was not under ideal circumstances. I had to marry in secrecy away from my blood family (they live in the UK as well) for they saw my girlfriend at the time as unsuitable and shunned any opportunity throughout our relationship to talk to her. I've always been the less favourite child. Having a younger, difficult to deal with sister, it was natural that my parents would cater to her requests more, so I was always one to hide in the background and not get overly involved. To compound matters, for 5 months of each academic year I have to live with them in order to fund completing the degree. As can be assumed, the relationship there is incredibly unhealthy.
As much as I love my wife, when it comes these issues they’re ones I’ve had to face mostly alone. She doesn’t have the mental composure to help deal with the problems (she has diagnosed ADHD bi-polar as well as many other things). The vast majority of friends that I have of whom I could possibly talk to about the issues she has banned me from discussing with. I understand that she’ll feel insecure when I could be talking about her to friends of mine, but it’s resulted in me having no one to talk to and becoming more and more introverted and reluctant to go out and socialise.
Major financial issues, fighting with both my blood family and family overseas from the stress, feeling completely inadequate in my studies and physically (I am currently in the process of losing weight) and feeling completely isolated from everyone and anyone that could possibly help me, I have no idea what to do. I can’t even begin to understand myself with regards to which of those above reasons have been causing the depression and I have to start dealing with it somehow before it all gets out of hand. In different guises, I’ve had all the above issues in the time I’ve realised I’ve had depression. It’s crippling my relationship with both my wife to the point where at times I feel I just want it all gone to be left alone. My dreams have been getting progressively dark. I’ve always had the common “falling” dream but over recent years many dreams where I die from a whole host of reasons have become prominent and over the past few months I’ve been having dreams about having an affair.
It’s all a mental mess and I simply don’t understand what I can do to dig myself out of this pit. I don’t even know what I want because I don’t feel like I have any way of determining which of the many issues prompted this downward spiral. What can you possibly do in what feels like a permanent checkmate?