Ok yall hear goes.
Bottom line- I'm scared. Of what? My self I guess. For crying out loud, a 17 yo girl shouldn't feel this way! I'm terrified of public places, I can't enjoy the meals I use to love because I fear of getting sick, I've lost so many friends from fear of an panic attack. i shake in my bones when I hear I need to go to the doc or I have to meet some one at the hospital and the worst part? No one listens to me! My body gives me warnings before an attack and when I say something about it - for an example of I'm in a store and I need to leave, I'll tell my mom ( if she's with me) that I need to leave and when do they do? They on purpose stay even longer! I mean really?! I'm on the verge of exploding and you could care less. This is curious business that alertly didn't matter to you. I'm sitting here terrified to the point of hiding in the smallest corner possible just to get away and your standing there looking at me like I'm being childish. Ugh!
Having PTSD isn't something that should be played with- and can be cause by not one but several different things playing at one time. I've lost so many friends because I've made up reasons not to go some where because I fear I may have an attack or I'll get sick or I'll flip out or my 'true self' is shown. I will never have the dream of living a stress free life knowing I have a cloud that can cover me at any second, noting that I can never escape. I have no one but my animals who I truely feel safe around now, I have a crazy obsession on a cartoon for crying out loud! Who will ever like someone who is hanging on by a thread and fear of someone owning a knife to cut it off- fear of family finally knowing exactly how I feel. I just- give up!
Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long but I had to get that out sad as it may seam.