Your invite to discuss, " I feel something is wrong" hit a strong note with me. Since my toddler age, I seem to stir people to being concerned, questioning, and make them rumble about something. So often, there is nothing there ! BUT they find a complaint anyway, I feel rejection, and I get passed over. I do not feel disliked. If I try to show a decent demeanor, go forward as something as a ''nice guy'' and be straight, up front, and helpful, others still find a story that is not right, and hold me for it. I get HIGH marks in many different areas, people will miss me if 'not there,' they appreciate me on the their side. People will compliment me when I am not around. I can not attach and am left with a lonely life. Those in practice of studying others pick the feeling out of me even if I do not specifically refer to it. A doctor wrote, "client has a fear of the world look in his eyes." One counselor said, "you have had a sad life," even though I did not use the term, 'sad.' I went down the hall way and entered an 'office' to wait for a GP to see me, for the first time. The Dr walked in, we shook hands, and before we got to my problem, he asked firmly, "have you ever a psychologist?" Others grunt about me being spoiled, catered to. My father would pout, since I was the first born grandchild on either side, "you were so pampered ! !" Was that my fault I was the first born? My fault I was pampered? I indicated I did not understand, my mother said tight lipped, "there are things you forget." I was scolded for having my diapers changed? Somebody had to show me how to walk, talk, feed and dress myself? I call THAT raising a baby ! Then I was hit for teasing my sister--siblings provoke each other. I wanted another boy in the family. I am Protestant in a Catholic family on my father's side. I did not always date the right girl. Both families got mad I did not marry the woman they were infatuated with, because THEY wanted me to marry her. THEY did not think highly of her, either, but she was the best I could do--she had material wealth and was infatuated with me. A lot of people will sigh, "me , too" when I lament my name was chosen last, for choosing sides in school. I have been released countless times from a job. often for vague reasons. I can not attach to people when necessary, in part why I have never married, never had anything close to a career. I have a long list of high reference, have been awarded for attendance and performance, but only seldom thought of for anything 1/2 way higher. I am not speaking of a manager, but simply filing for the office, a receptionist, keeping logs, or any coordination. I am left with being "a nice boy!" 68 years old, and life is still in the airplane lineup mode for take off. "It's going to happen !" or "going to work out!" "You're going to find somebody !" I have dated some pretty women, but so often I am left with entry level jobs, and likewise, women not 'high' on the desired scale for men. I better get off, I might erase. Thank you reading if you have. Maybe we could establish a forum for like mind people to discuss, pass stories and procedures around? Please stay in touch. No, I do not enjoy feeling sorry for myself. It seems all I am left with.
I do have a Master's degree, for another 'help' I could give an employer. It has created little interest during applying, or when on the job. People growl about me bringing up the past. I have had this aura follow me too long. If our Savior will forgive me, it is a cross I have to carry and is often hard to give another attitude.
