Worried about husband....

[Disney05]

I'm here asking for some serious advice. I'm getting more and more worried as each day goes by and I have no-one to ask, so I've turned to this forum in the hope someone can give me some positive help.

Just over a year ago, we came back from a holiday abroad and my husband noticed that he couldn't shake off a high pitched tone in both ears which seemed to have developed after getting off the plane. A couple of months later he still had it so went to the doctors who found nothing obvious. He has Private Health cover through his work, so he kicked that into action.

Anyway after hearing tests, all resulting with no hearing loss being shown except for a 10% age related dip around 6K, an MRI, much prodding and poking, confirmation came back that he had tinnitus, so go away for six months and try to live with it. Habituation will happen.

Well as you can imagine, it didn't and I've watched my husband start to go downhill. He says it's there 24hrs and he's aware of it 100% of the time. It repeats the same thing every single day.

He wakes up with a level 4 or 5 out of 10. He describes it as 5 is treading water with this mouth above the water line. Any higher than a 5 and he's starting to drown.

He stays at a 4 or 5 most of the morning but from about 3pm it starts to rise to a 6.

By early evening he's either a 7, 8 or 9. If he ever got to a 10 he says he will commit suicide.

Fortunately, he's never got to a 10 as somehow miraculously, he always falls to sleep of around 10.30. He does have a problem staying asleep but nightly amitriptyline helps this.

During the next few months we went to our local hearing centre to try a generic hearing aid with a tinnitus masker. That didn't help at all. He only used them for a couple of weeks but could tell they were not helping.

He then went back to the doctor saying is mood is low, daily headaches, crying most evenings but I'm getting more and more worried about how close is he to becoming suicidal. He says it feels like being on a cliff top in thick fog and doesn't know where the edge is.

He may be safe and the cliff edge a 100 feet away, but then again it could also be only 1 step away. That's the scary bit. Would one more thing force him to take the final step ?

The doctor prescribed 40mg fluoxetine each morning and 20mg amitriptyline at night to help him stay asleep.

He's now also paid privately with a tinnitus clinic and wears specially tuned "noisers" hearing aids about 8 hours every day from 1pm to 9pm.

We know his tinnitus is reactive to noise. He's been a computer service engineer for over 30 years and drives long distances to various data centres, (noisy) or offices.

Since they were introduced a few years ago he's always worn Hearing Plugs or Ear Defenders but they have no effect as the same daily pattern always repeats.

He comes home from work and then can't wait for sleep which obviously then gives him some relief. This is no way to live a life.

The worrying part for me is that over the last couple of months the levels 7, 8 or 9 are becoming earlier in the evening and now seems to bother him from late afternoon.

I'm worried that as each day goes by, his job is making him worse and if he continues, within a couple of years he'll be on a high level as soon as he wakes.

I know he has PHI income protection through his work which pays about 75% of his gross income until either he gets better or retires. He's 53 now so has 14 years left.

I've asked him if he can think about using this but he thinks this will only pay out if the illness stops him from working and not just because its making him ill.

He says its like if you lost both arms and couldn't drive a car they would pay up.

But if you get severar tinnitus because you are working they would not. He also says working passes the time, but I can see it's making him worse.

He thinks his only hope is to give up work and see if he can claim on his work's income protection. In case anyone is wondering, we live in the UK.

He's holding back on CBT while he gives the "noisers" a year and as he's particularly stubborn, he doesn't believe CBT would help fix the issue of the noise in these rooms, raising his levels. He gets cross when it's suggested.

Also he's not a forum person, this is why I'm here...his work has always been IT, therefore he'd rather have nothing to do Facebook, social media etc. He's adamant it's not stress just angry with himself as it is definitely noise related.

Getting himself out of that environment seems to stabilise it.

Does anyone know if these company PHI income protection schemes do pay out if work is causing the tinnitus but just as important, how can I prove it?

[ade-the-pade]

Hello Disney.

It may mean little but I and many others on this forum know how your husband feels. It is a hateful condition that grows stronger the lower your mood. The first 6 - 9 months is always the worst. Then, very slowly you begin to adjust. Some "habituate" and the noise goes into the background. Others just learn ways to manage the condition. The BTA is a great first port of call for advice and support. Ring their helpline for more information.

My partner had to watch me sink into a black hole so it was painful for her. No doubt it is the same for you.

Most of us have been on the journey through depression, insomnia and anxiety. It sounds like your husband is "normal in the circumstances". In a previous post I divided it into three stages. Surviving, Winning and Living. It sounds like he is just "surviving" at this time. He probably thinks that he will never be able to live with it. With good support and help he can get to the next stage.

I wish you and him all the best. You are not alone with this.

Ade

[JaneMc16]

Hello Disney, I can truly relate to your situation as I was in the same place as your husband 17 years ago. I am still here - but only just. I too had a stressful job and tried to "make it work" for 12 years. I realised that I was making myself very ill and I was always cross and angry at everything and everybody, because no-one understood what I was going through. My T would wake me up every morning at 4am and then I couldn't get back to sleep, so I would get up and go to work - working seemed to be the only thing that took my mind off the noise, but then I was working myself into the ground just to stay sane. You don't mention if your husband has any hobbies?. I found yoga. At first I went to see if I could escape the noise and then I was hooked. Every time I went to class I found that I was getting mentally stronger. The focus on the body meant that I couldn't think about the noise in my head, I was too busy trying to get the positions right. Its not about being flexible, its about channelling all your focus into your body - internally. You may think that ironic, as the T is inside your head, but perversely, as my mind got stronger with the yoga, it also helped me block out the Tinnitus. My mind was basically saying " I know you're there, but I don't want to react to you as I'm too busy doing something else" . Sport is very much like yoga. It absorbs you so that you don't think about the Tinnitus.

I was given sleeping tablets when first diagnosed 17 years ago. I took them for two nights and then threw them in the bin. I didn't want to wake up like a zombie every day and I knew there must be a better way to cope. Yoga has been my salvation.

On the practical work front, I went to my GP and discussed my situation. She wrote a letter to my company explaining my suicidal thoughts at the time and how my stressful job was making my Tinnitus worse. My HR manager was excellent. I was given a month's leave and then asked what I wanted to do next. My job involved driving a lot - 4 hours at a time to get to customers some days - I decided I couldn't go back, so they drew up a package for me - I could have taken it legal as they have a duty of care but decided my sanity was worth more. I took the package and three months off work.

I have since found a new job only 20 minutes from home and I don't stress about anything at work - I walk away from any confrontation or problem. You have to know what the triggers are and avoid them.

I hope all of this can help you in some way. Your husband is very lucky to have you. My husband doesn't understand and I can't blame him . Its difficult to know what to say or do for someone when you cant hear the noise yourself. Just being there is sometimes all we ask.

I hope you can help your husband find his path to helping himself, be it sport, yoga, music etc. - it will be the making of him.

Stay strong

Jane x

[ade-the-pade in reply to JaneMc16]

Very thoughtful reply.

Ade

[Disney05]

Hello both! You have both said things which I can relate to with regards to my husband. It's good to read such positive things as we're obviously struggling at the moment.

The work thing you mentioned Jane is him exactly. He works his socks off as at it means he can't concentrate on the T 100% Like you said though, it's not doing him any good as it's exhausting. He's not a sporty person at all but a positive thing we have done in this last week is get a little Border Terrier puppy. When at home now, she keeps him on his toes so he can't sit and dwell quite so much. The idea is, more walks & forcing him/us to do things with her, like training, rambling etc.

it gives him something else to focus on though.

He drives long distances like you did too, often in the middle of the night. He's been out this week as it's his on call week which happens every 5th week. He's home catching up on sleep now whilst I'm downstairs on puppy watch!

Thank you both so much for your replies. I think I'll keep re reading them as they give me a boost as much as I hope they will him when I show him later once we wakes. Right now, I need a large mug of coffee to keep my eyes open. New puppy is as much work as a baby!

It's good to know there's others about who have positive stories x

[Lynne-H]

Hi Disney05,

I can totally relate to everything you have said about your husband. Almost three years ago I was in that dark place that your husband is in now. I remember saying to my husband - "I can`t live with this for the rest of my life." But I have and I`m still here and I have my life back - not as it was before, but still good.

What helped me ? Tinnitus Counselling, I also joined a Support Group that I still go to every week (to be with others who know exactly how you feel really helps and gives you hope), I became a member of the BTA and receive from them the Quiet Magazine which contains success stories which I read over and over again whenever I felt down. And this forum has also been a big help to me too. Sound therapy - I have the radio on most of the time and purchased various cd`s from the BTA. They also have lots of good information sheets.

I also have a friend who suffered terribly with tinnitus but who gradually found his way through it and he used to say to me that you have to accept it which seemed impossible to me at the time but I worked on that too by telling myself that I didn`t mind the noise and that I liked having it (sounds ridiculous I know but it worked for me).

I wish you and your husband well and hope things start to improve for you soon.

Love Lynne xx