harming is my drug and I take it daily

[dont_kill_katie]

Harming myself is my drug. I’m addicted to it.

For two and a half years I never had one night without harming myself in some type of way. Cutting is the main way though. I stopped for a few months with only a few rough nights. Then I stopped promising myself I wouldn’t fall back into that pattern but I did and now I don’t think I can stop.

I wore bare sleeves one time because I was boiling I only had scares on my arms at that point and all I got was “attention seeker”.

I noticed it was bad and thought FUCK WHAT AM I DOING when I had run out of space and had to move onto my rib cage and stomach. It really does god dam hurt to keep going like this.

I remember one time I ran down stairs with blood dripping down my arm there was one cut I had cut a bit too deep. My dad knew I cut so I told him and asked for help. My neighbor is a doctor and helped me. We never spoke about it again. The pain and shock in his face was too much.

I’m scared to look at my arms legs ankles rib cage.

I know it’s not worth it and i know that it causes me pain but honestly when I actually have the blade in my hand and I’m sitting there crying thinking about everything I don’t care about the aftermath I just need to do it. It’s an urge and a rush.

[Hidden]

Hi there I just read both your posts and I would like you to do something for me. Write everything that has happened and how you feel what's happening and take it to your gp so they can get you the help you need darling. Sending you big hugs I've been through some of what you've gone through not all so I can't relate to everything but if you were in front of me I would hug you if you ever need to speak message me or write on here someone will always respond. We are here to help if we can x

[dont_kill_katie in reply to Hidden]

honestly thank u so much <3

[TheLongWait]

Oh Katie you poor thing. I feel awful for you, no one should be suffering like this. Please please get help, stay around those who care and support. Don't allow yourself to be on your own if you can when you have these urges. Get help sweet heart, join groups and make friends with those who have been there and know how best to support you.

Depression is an epidemic, there are many like you who need to reach out and hold hands with another who knows how you feel. We need to gain strength from one another, somehow you have fallen down a dark hole and you need so much, so quickly to do your all to reach for help.

Please don't hurt yourself any more, that is what everyone will think and say when they read this. It can seem like a cruel world, but not everyone is cruel. I am sad sometimes, angry at the organisations that ruin this world through greed. But never hurt yourself, because you are a lovely wonderful human being, full of love, hopes and dreams that can and will come to reality. I promise if you get help, find strength in kindness, you will one day break through this.

If I could wave a magic wand and make this better for you I would, heart breaking to read those words. You do not deserve this, never tell yourself that, you deserve happiness!

Reach for that happiness Katie, know it is there, memories fade, scars fade, and goodness can come in abundance, you just have to let it all in.

Hard I know, but never sit for one second sad and in fear you will hurt yourself again. Reach for the phone, organisations, people who are there to support you. Do that at all times, and don't think you are ever being a nuisance or a burden, you are not. You can move on from this. I met a girl once working in a cinema, she did not hide her scars any more, she had beaten it, it did not beat her. She found happiness, she grew strength, she was inspiring to talk to, really truly inspiring! That will be you, people will feel proud of your recovery, no one more than you though. We are a world full of struggling souls, and we forget how to connect with people. Too much time online, it isn't good for anyone. Join walking groups, any groups, just get out and talk, get into nature and see all the beautiful things in the world, and always remember you are one of those beautiful things.