I had a phone call from an old friend last week. He was in pieces because his partner was undergoing tests for cancer. He just didn’t know what to say or do to support her and asked my advice.
I gave some suggestions but it occurred to me this morning after reading responses to SeekersRoad post, we are a source of huge communal knowledge. So bearing in mind that we are all different, and have different needs and expectations, if you could give a partner whose other half is undergoing tests or has just been diagnosed, what would you say?
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Julie2233
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How about telling him to look into getting some support from Macmillan? Has his partner been diagnosed with cancer or is she still going through the diagnostic stage? I have to admit that I would find it hard to give advice to someone's partner or to someone who thinks they may have just been diagnosed with cancer.
I had a friend bombard me with questions when she was going for a routine mammogram at the same time as me just over two years ago. She was overcome by anxiety that she may have breast cancer as it runs in her family (she didn't). So when it came back negative she was understandably relieved, but her ongoing anxiety over mammograms is hard for me to handle. In the end I had to tell her that I was not the right person to talk to about that, as she has always received negative results, whereas mine were positive. She took what I said on board and no longer talks to me about her routine mammograms.
So while I can give and receive advice on here, I would find the situation you described hard to handle. But that's just my personal view. I would find it easier to direct them to Macmillan or another cancer charity that is equipped to provide professional support.
Thanks, that’s useful. I will do that. She’s been treated for cancer previously twice and now is going through it again. I don’t know where it is, just tat it’s not breast. I was just looking for ideas of what people had found useful 😊 and you are right it is a sensitive area, which is why I think he asked me, we’ve been good friends for a long time.
You're welcome, Julie. That's awful that she is going through cancer a third time. She must be under a lot of pressure and scared that this time it might be metastatic. I hope your friend and his partner receive the support that they need.
He's one of the loveliest man I've ever known, he has supported me through my diagnosis and treatments, but he is absolutely useless with his choice of partner. He always picks challenging partners, but this time is different.
He's been with this lady for about 3 years, they dated as teenagers and she suits him completely and he is now so happy. The first time I've ever seen him so happy and complete. But this has cast a huge shadow. He said that she is in bits - we all know what that feels like. Both previous times it was primary and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is something else. Though from the tests she's had they are obviously taking it seriously.
He's listened to me complaining about my husband and wants so much to be there for her but in the right way. Which is why I've asked for ideas.
Keep us posted on how your friend and his partner get on. Unfortunately, we can all relate to being in bits and struggling to cope when we receive a diagnosis. It sounds like he has been a good friend to you and now you can offer him some support too.
Id say just listen, let her cry, let her shout and rant, hear her fears. Dont withdraw and pretend everything will be ok or make her have to be strong for you, its her turn to lean on you. She knows you dont have answers, just assure her you'll be there at her side all the way but she has to be honest too and tell him what she wants. We all expect our men to be mind readers but unfortunately theyre not. Xx
I agree with Mindy’s advice. Reassure her that you are there for the long run. I could not absorb much information because of my ongoing pain at that point so my husband went with me and then repeated answers as I needed then. That was absolutely helpful! I could not function so he cooked and took care of me. As my back healed and I could do more, we had some struggles with him not wanting me to do things but we worked through that. We both learned to be more respectful of each other. I think the biggest thing is reassuring her that you are not going anywhere. Don’t try to take charge unless she indicates that she needs you to. All sorts or random thoughts at 12:30 am. I went to bed at 10:30 and I’m still up checking in! Elaine
Just be there for both of them as a listener and as her testing goes forward, you will know how to reassure them.
Maybe tell her also that he should go with her to appointments so he can ask questions and listen to the onc so he can feel a part of her care. The unknown is a huge stressor.
Be sweet and loving. Let her talk when she wants to talk and let her have quiet when she wants quiet. Assure her that both of you will go through this together and that you will be by her side always. Give her sweet little pecks from time to time to let her know that you love her. Hold her hand when she is asleep. Just assure her that you will be there. Blessings, Hannah
Here is my take on this. First and foremost is empathy. Does she want to talk about it or is she like me and hardly ever mentions it.
My best friends all say, "you never talk about it". I just to choose to carry on and make the best of it. But everyone is different. I am an incurable Pollyanna.
And then learn as much as he can about her Cancer so he understands the process and knows the bad days wont' go on forever. There will be many good times and perhaps even a cure!
That are my best thoughts. Hope it helps and wishing you all the best.
What a good man and partner he is to even think of reaching out to you for advice. You have already received some wonderful ideas here, makes me just love this group. I guess I'd add these....be there for her, be strong and positive but don't be afraid to be vulnerable yourself, however you usually express that. Sharing fears or tears really can halve them for both. This stage of uncertainty, testing, figuring out options can feel all-consuming, but try to do something to remind her that she is also a person, your beautiful partner, not just a patient. Personally I'm a sucker for fresh flowers, but he'll know what touches her. And if it turns out that she does need treatment for cancer, repeat this kind of affirmation this at regular intervals....we all need to be reminded that we are still beautiful and treasured humans beyond our diagnosis. Early on, especially when I felt crappy, we watched a lot of funny movies and TV shows; I didn't feel like doing anything else and it helped us laugh together. Finally, if it looks like it's going to be a long-term treatment process, consider counseling. Over a year ago my husband and I both started going to individual counselors who were experienced with hospice and grief counseling and it's helped so much.
Thanks Patty, this group is absolutely wonderful. So many good points that I hadn't even though of. I was hoping just to be able to send him a list but I think he needs to read the posts to see that much of what he is already doing is being recommended. I think it will really give his confidence a boost.
I think being there for both of them is the best thing we can offer! And suggest getting a second opinion at a major cancer center with a specialist onc. I've been in that position with a long time friend whose husband has pancreatic cancer and is in NYC right now for radiation treatment prep. And another friend's mother had bc with some found in lymph nodes and she wanted me to speak with her mother. I have been glad I can be there for them with more understanding of what they are going thru than most would have. I'm most worried abut the pancreatic cancer ........ it is such a killer! And he is way too young to die! No grandchildren yet.
Another thing popped into my head this morning. Don’t constantly ask how she is feeling. I was in a lot of physical pain from my back, but even with radiation it took time to get better. Other people as well as my husband would ask how are you today or are you better today which set up this feeling that I wasn’t improving fast enough for them. I wasn’t improving fast enough for me either, but this made me feel like a failure. Ask if this week is better than last week, or ask a more specific question like what is your energy level today. It takes time and patience from everyone, even the impatient patient! Elaine
For me it would depend on the person I am telling or suggesting advice to. Some people are stronger than others, some do not really want to hear the truth and some want nothing but the truth. I know not a helpful answer but there are so many variables to consider.
No, that’s a really helpful point 😊 He told me he is really scared that after finding her again he’s going to lose her. He wants to know everything and nothing and I think we can understand that feeling.
He rang me because he went with her to an appointment and found it hard not to cry and he knows that my husband burst into tears at the only appointment he went to with me and it completely derailed the consultation.
He feels useless and needed reassurance that he was responding in a way that wouldn’t make things harder for his partner. I think a lot of the advice here is what he is doing and will give him some confidence.
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