I don’t know if I want to get better

[Strugglingblonde13]

In my heart, I know I really do want to live a better life. I’m miserable and sad and wasting my precious time here. But at the same time, I don’t want to put in the work to get better. I’m pissed that it doesn’t come naturally like it does for others.

I also don’t know what makes me feel joy. Nothing healthy brings me dopamine.

I love my family, but they don’t make me happy. I don’t want to pick my daughter up from school because I’m unhappy and it makes her unhappy and it’s all my fault because I’m not fixing it.

Sometimes I wish I could run away and leave all my responsibilities, relationships and mistakes behind.

Why doesn’t anything make me happy? Nothing pleases me. I don’t enjoy anything.

[Dolphin14]

Strugglingblonde13

Welcome to the community

You really are struggling. I'm sorry for all the pain you must feel

What type of help are you receiving?

🐬

[Cookie2217]

I'm so sorry your going through all of this pain and anguish. Welcome to this community. You will find a lot of support here. Your not alone. Do you suffer from depression? I suffer from major depressive disorder and just got out of about of a depressive episode that lasted for long years since before covid until just recently like two weeks ago. I just switched my medication to Prozac and I feel good on it so far so good I've been on it an entire week with no side effects whatsoever so that makes me very happy and positive. I've had about three bouts of depression and my lifetime but this one was however the worst and most aggressive and debilitating in my entire lifetime. I wouldn't wish my sadness angst loneliness on anybody I withdrew totally from everyone and when my two friends would call I couldn't even pick up the phone because I didn't have the desire to talk to anybody I isolated myself completely and just sat in the dark and my husband wasn't able to make any noise or I would tell him to please be quiet cuz I just wanted to be in the dark and silence. I finally told him that he didn't have anything to do with my depression that it was just me cuz I didn't want him to think that I didn't love him cuz I adore him not even he could make me happy at that particular moment in time. It was such a lonely place to be I hope that I never experience that ever again. Are you on any medication right now? Are you in therapy at all? I'm glad you're here in this group you'll get a lot of support here as I said with many suggestions and advice for you. Please take care of yourself you will be okay this too shall pass just remember that always. Wishing you peace and wellbeing.

[Hidden]

I understand exactly what you’re saying - but honestly wish I didn’t!

I am living a sad, lonely, hideous existence. But I can’t bring myself to do anything about it now. In the past I’ve tried individual therapy, group therapy etc but I just put up a solid wall and can’t bring myself to benefit from anything I learn.

I feel like I deserve to live a crappy life and it’s my doing that I am in this awful place.

Have you possibly got double depression? That where you have a low grade but long term dysthymia and then serious bouts of major depression on top of that. It’s a brutal existence - for me my mood never goes above a 0 and when I have depressive episode it goes down to absolute hell and wanting nothing more then to be dead.

I have tried every different type of anti depressant/anti psychotic etc and many cocktails of drugs and nothing has helped. I am on a waitlist to receive ECT and quite frankly if it doesn’t start in the next week or so I reckon it’ll be too late.

You’re not alone in feeling like you do - not sure that’s helpful or not?

Sending hugs 🤗

[Sausagedogman]

Thank you for sharing. I have a lot of feelings about my family as I deal with my depression too. Guilt - I feel bad that I'm not pulling my share of family work, that I'm not as engaging with my daughter as I want to be, that I'm quick to be sharp with her. A sort of sadness cycle - of feeling tired and hopeless so I don't do anything with them then I feel sad that I didn't do anything with them.

On the flip side - I've had a few really bad nights recently, where my head would spin over self destruction all night, then I wake up and my daughter (she's 4) comes bouncing on me and I remember why I'm not following my bad thoughts through.

I get that wanting to live a better life. I want to be out from this rut desperately. I don't know what more I can do (therapy, keep trying different medications, now I'm trying this forum thing).

I don't know if this is useful but I appreciate hearing your story, it makes me feel less alone. I hope you feel better soon. I'm glad you're there for your daughter.