i had pps after giving birth to my daughter in 2021, my birth was normal and didn’t suffer anything however when i got home i struggling and got pps got treated with a months worth of tablets which helped tremendously i’ve recovered from hallucinations and have got out to toddler groups and made a new friend. however i’m on anxiety tablets but she is now 2 just turned in march i’m still struggling with her which i know parents do but i’m her main carer in the day till my partner gets back from work at 5.30 then i go work 6-10. i still don’t feel no bond with my daughter and feel like i want to come off my anxiety tablets i don’t feel nothing no emotion if my partner said do i care for them both i have to think…. i have no bond with my daughter and feel like i her birth and now i’m left with a child who i have to look after i’ve read up on mothers being un emotionally absent and it sound like me… is there any help out there i’m fully recovered from pps however i feel there is other issues happening has anyone else had this and what did they do ? i go groups with her and play and crafts but i feel like i have to do it as i’m her mother…. i feel awful writing this but feel no attachment to her…..
help after a year on: i had pps after... - Action on Postpar...
help after a year on
Hi Skyblue7 ,
I also had PP in 2021 after having my baby and following this went through anxiety and depression. I remember doing my mum tasks, looking after baby and taking him out and feeling anxious and stressed. The perinatal team described me as unattached to my son but I was really trying. What I wanted to relay to you is that in time you will get better and feel better you just have to keep going.
I’d say please book an appointment with your dr and discuss your situation, you might be able to receive extra support from the perinatal team and/or a community team. Also be open and honest with them and ask for support don’t feel ashamed you will realise it’s super helpful once you get the extra support.
Maybe also have a discussion with your partner and perhaps you could discuss reducing your working hours or get help with baby during the day. Once you speak about it, I’m sure you’d both come up with a solution for the short term.
I know it’s a year on and you feel like you aren’t making progress but I have to reassure you recovery takes time. Seek support and speak up about your situation and slowly but surely you’ll start to feel energised and motivated again.
Also something I was advised in 2021: be kind to yourself. This is something we all fail to do. Be kind to yourself, you’re a mum who has so many things going on and you are doing an amazing job!
hi unfortunately we for have any family around to help so it’s just us two and with the prices of living going up i had to find a job that are these hours in order to pay bills i had a 2 hr job a night and need 4 to live and pay bills so this isn’t a option for us.
i think i’m going to book another appointment and see what my options are because i’m on the least dose and he said that it shouldn’t affect me too much if i was to come off them. but there’s that if my anxiety and thing flare up again. i get plenty of sleep now but when i had pps i wasn’t hardly sleeping but i do now. time to self what is that i know it looks like i’m making excuses but there isn’t no time for self to either of us which is sad. just in need of help
Hi Skyblue7 ,
Definetely mention your struggles to your dr. They may recommend a service or support nearby which you could utilise.
It’s really important to have ‘me’ time maybe you and your partner could take turns in ‘me’ time.
It’s good you are speaking up on here and hopefully will get some good tips from others here and also your drs.
Hope everything gets better for you 💙
Dear Skyblue7
Thank you for sharing such an open and honest account of new motherhood. I think a lot of mums would identify with what you write, even those who didn’t suffer from PP. Can I just say how amazingly well you are doing? To have recovered so quickly from the psychotic episode and to resume full time care for your baby AND a busy job in the evenings. That is phenomenal.
And look at all the lovely things you are doing with your daughter - arts and crafts, baby groups, making a new friend. All of that is love, even if it doesn’t quite feel like love right now. Getting up, getting through your day, making sure she is fed and watered and changed and entertained - all of that is love.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though you might feel like it’s not there, it sounds like actually you do have a strong attachment - it’s maybe just hidden somewhat under the daily struggle. And by the dulling impact of medication. As Zebunisa rightly says, it would be great if you could speak to your GP, health visitor or care team about this, so they can help you with medication options. Maybe a lower dose or even a different medication to try. Please don’t despair! The right solution will be there for you, and as I say you are doing so well in your recovery already.
My son is 10 now. When he was your daughter’s age there were many times I felt like I was going through the motions. Not truly present. And I felt numb a lot of the time. When I wasn’t feeling guilty and worthless about everything! But looking back we did have a strong bond in place - I’d be the one he would turn to if he fell over, for example, or was upset by something. And these days I can’t even describe how much he means to me. I just add that to maybe give you some hope that things really do get better.
Have a great day today and do let us know how you get on. We are all here rooting for you. Take good care,
Kat x
hi
yes that’s true she does come to me when she needs things but i feel like i don’t bond wi th her because i’m just not into what she’s doing again not attached. put it in to perspective ur spot on maybe there is a connection but i just don’t see it that way yet… think will speak to doc about it
Hi Skyblue7,
Welcome to the forum, here you will find many empathetic souls that have gone through similar experiences and come the other side of it.
I am sorry that you experienced postpartum psychosis after the birth of your daughter 2 years ago, it is a traumatic experience. I had pp 4 years ago and recovery took time for me. I had depression off the back of it and was on medication for it for more than a year.
I agree with Zebunisa, you have to acknowledge you have a lot going on at the moment. It is in essence doing 2 jobs and very intense hours as well. When in the middle of this tiredness it is extremely difficult to find joy on your toddler, and 2 is also a very challenging age as they try to exert their independence. Is it possible to get some help with your toddler? Even if you start it 1 day a week and you build up from there. It is so important to get time for yourself, do something that reconnects you to your old self.
I am so glad you have made a friend in going to toddler groups, having support from friends and family is so important in our recovery.
Take really good care of you, will be thinking of you
we get no help no family is around so it’s just me and partner. i have her in day then partner has her when i’m at work 6-10. can’t change jobs as we need to pay bills. can’t afford day care and would go into debt and no point.
Hi Skyblue7,
I understand it is not always possible to get help with childcare. I cannot remember if you are in the UK, but there is some help from the goverment that kicks off at 2 years old, I don't know if that can be of any use to you, please disregard if it is not relevant.
You have a very tightly packed schedule, so I wonder if you are able to grab some time on the weekend to do something only for yourself? You do so much for your toddler already and as others have said here, that is an expression of the love you have for sure, perhaps what is missing is the enjoyment of it? As you for sure know parenting is draining, we do need to recharge and recover, with rest and with things we enjoy.
Take really good care
hi in the uk she won’t get free care till she turns 3 it’s only 2 if earn low income. unfortunately she don’t qualify but with bills gone up still can’t put her into care for a day. i just think yes not enjoyment but also no feeling towards her. oh she did this and that and it’s like and…..
Hi Skyblue7,
It all sounds very draining, and I feel for you. I do remember feeling empty like this in the first year of my daughter's life. Everyone looking from the outside thought that we had a strong bond as I was doing all the care and activities with her, but I did not feel a connection with her, she could be anyone's baby I was looking after, she did not feel mine. It was as if I was stunted. I believe the feelings were there but they were not coming to the surface. Something that helped me was to look at pictures or videos of me with her. I figured if other people could see it from the outside, I could take their point of view and maybe see if something stirred in me. It sounds simplistic but it did help. I also stopped comparing myself to other mums, it was something I used to do and I believed that everyone was better suited to be a mum than me. Those thoughts were not helpful and I decided to forget about others, this was my own journey and I will get there at my own pace.
Time made it easier and also reductions in medication, do consult with your doctor if you feel that a medication review might be a good thing. Accessing talking therapy can also be a good idea, it may be helpful if you are still experiencing some anxiety.
Take really good care, we are here rooting for you
Hi Skyblue7 ,
I just want to echo the other brilliant advice from the other mums on here, you are doing a great job and it is incredibly difficult. The fact that you are concerned about how you are feeling and reaching out to this forum just goes to show what an amazing mum you are.
For me, I find that my mood is incredibly affected by my sleep and I have had very similar feelings to you when not getting enough sleep and rest. PP is a traumatic thing to go through, have you been able to access any therapy at all? For me, therapy has helped me a great deal and helped me to come off my medication.
You are not alone.
xxx
hi
i get enough sleep but i just it’s more i don’t feel anything for her. but also i feel like i’m just get up do things go work repeat and nothing if anything anger that my life is so boring and rubbish before i was outgoing travelled a lot enjoyed doing things now it like i do nothing can’t afford nothing life’s nothing. don’t get me wrong i value life and never suicidal i want a life but this is menotonous. plus no feeling for no one
Hi Skyblue7 ,
That's good that you're getting enough sleep - you can probably rule that out then. My medication made me feel numb and no emotions - so how you're feeling could be a side effect from your medication? I would definitely recommend discussing with your Doctor.
Life as a mum can be so monotonous, trying to juggle everything with the house, baby and work. Children are a huge commitment and it makes life so hard when you can no longer afford to do the things that sparked joy in your life, like travelling. This can bring up feelings of resentment that you're not able to live your life in the way that you would like to right now. I can totally relate to those feelings. For me, I was able to access therapy, and this really helped to change my perspective and build my bond with my son.
I did something called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which helped me to understand my core values and helped me a lot with feelings similar to yours. Again, I would definitely recommend discussing with your Doctor and getting professional advice.
Children's centres are also a really useful resource if you can access a local one as they have different ideas on free things to do with your child, which might help the bond and break up the monotony.
Look after yourself, hope things start to get better for you soon.
xxx
thanks will ask and hopefully try as yes that’s also true accepting what it is thank you x
Hey Skyblue7
I just wanted to thank you for writing so honestly, which I know can be really hard. My children are 12 and 17 now, but I truly could have written so many of the same things you are feeling when my girls were little.
I think what Kat has said is really important - the things you are doing with your little one despite not 'feeling it' are a huge credit to you. I know it's so hard when any enjoyment of being with your baby just feels like it isn't there.
I remember so often feeling like I was 'going through the motions' and underneath actually feeling very scared of not being a 'good' mum. I think in a lot of ways this made me back off more, as I was so worried about the lack of emotional connection.
Looking back now on my own experience, I want to reassure you that this is not your fault, and that you truly will get there in rebuilding a bond with your baby and believing in yourself as a mum. It took time for me, and I had lots of wobbles during the pre-school years but I have such an amazing relationship with my daughters now and we can talk openly about when I was unwell.
There are a few things below that I feel really helped me to gradually find my way back to attachment...
- Accepting that I was suffering from depression, which was making feeling anything other than numb very difficult
- Talking to my GP and mental health team about medication for depression, and having some free counselling about how guilty I was feeling through the Children's Centre
- Going to a group especially for parents who were struggling to bond called "First Steps" (You can ask your GP for a referral to this kind of group through a parent-infant psychology service or perinatal mental health team)
- Keeping on playing simple things like rolling a ball, playing with playdough, reading books to my girls even though I wasn't feeling it... just knowing that it was good for them and I was doing my best
- Making time to hold them and dance about to some music (often crying at the same time to soothe myself in a way)
- Keeping a little notebook of any positive things that I'd noticed where my girls were happy or I'd felt a moment of connection. I've still kept this and it's very poignant to look back on.
I hope some reflections from many years down the line are helpful for you - you will get there, I promise. So many of us in the APP community have felt like we'll never get the bond we hoped for, but we slowly and gradually did.
We are here to talk to any time you need, and the important thing is not to struggle on alone. Opening up to professionals around you will help you get the support you need to wrap around you and your baby.
Warm wishes
Naomi x
hi thanks for your reply… i think i may go back to the doctors and speak to him what my options are. i think i might start writing down like u said and not look at the negatives. i find it hard to play with her just thinking what’s the point she don’t appreciate me or listen. maybe it’s normal but to have to support and know what is normal and what isn’t i don’t know. she listens to her dad. not having the knowledge kills me knowing what’s not and is. i think i might ask midwife or docs if any help x
Take good care of yourself Skyblue!
My parents were unable to help, not only because they were abroad, but just could not handle what happened to me. Luckily my partner's parents could help from time to time. Thus, it is difficult when one has to identify what path to take in order to gain appropriate support networking. This is different for everybody, because of diverse needs.
I was still recovering when my boy was 2 years old. I connected with a woman and her girl and we became friends. At the time this connection was plenty for me and we attended play groups or did activities together.
I was not able to work due to severe anxiety issues and suffering great insomnia. Whatever our struggles, there can be an immense frustration within, sometimes even expressed through anger or sadness, because challenges feel like as if goals are unachievable.
Lots of mums are incredibly harsh on themselves or want to be the same as they were before PPP. A traumatising illness has shifted all perspectives and for many of us that means to re-scaffold skills and approach tasks in stepping stones.
Sometimes you are struggling so much with a low that you forget about how far you've come. You've done so incredibly well. Journalising helps to track back and helps you to reflect and evaluate, but also inform others on how you feel. Be kind to yourself.
Have you thought how to further develop self-love and self-care? In my case lots of therapeutic modalities have helped me to feel more balanced and in tune. Meditation, Yoga, Art and Reiki is part of my life style and of course things can get difficult as I live with Bipolar, but my toolkit is very useful to implement when I have been triggered or stressors have increased.
However, it takes time to establish skills and to become more at ease in a role as mum.
I have had no bond with my baby in the first year as I was like a vegetable when released from hospital and my partner needed to help me to get dressed and washed, helping me with my mobility, learning to go to a super market, beside all the baby duties.
Without pressure, without comparing and just familiarising yourself with daily achievable tasks, and all the activities you are doing with your 2 years old will create bonding, it is like subconscious learning.
Take good care.
hi i just don’t find nothing interesting no more it’s like i’m a blank canvas. i might ask my doc if i can come off hopefully go back to my normal self i’m not sure if i will this way or find out the hard way. i know from where i was to where i am now is a great achievement but i think yes we are harsh on myself. i think a journal may help i might try this x
Sorry Skyblue7 for not responding, but have been very busy with my son due to fractured bone. I hope you may find it useful to start recording your life experiences. I always do as I potter about with lots of things and find recording very useful for improving concentration level, focusing and reflecting. It is easier, if you have a purpose for your journalising. All my diaries are for my son and quite often I have addressed it directly to my son. I believe the first few years it was for recording my moods and events throughout the day, but nowadays I have become more subject focused, combining my interest with creative writing i.e. dotting down my Meditation and Reiki experiences, the development of my plot and gardening and a general diary with routine and life events. It is not only writing, but sketching, collaging and lots more. I hope you can find something, which creates some pleasure and helps you to feel more balanced. Take good care... x
Hello Skyblue7
You must be exhausted looking after your daughter during the day and going to work in the evenings. It’s understandable that you have very little energy. I think you have done really well to take your little one to different groups.
As you say, you have come a long way, which really is a great achievement. I think talking to your doctor would be a good idea, so that you can have a review. Do you have any support from the community nursing team?
Take good care and rest when you can find the time. Thinking of you.
Hello Skyblue7
I’m so sorry to read you have no support, that must be very hard for you. Even so, you are great parents!
I wonder if you have heard of Home-Start UK which offers free support to “help with the stresses and strains of life”? I think some mums here found their support helpful, sometimes just for company or more input. The link is home-start.org.uk where you can check if there is one near you and more info.
Also there are APP cafe groups where women at all different stages of recovery can meet and chat. I have been a few times and found it very reassuring to meet other mums and sometimes their families who understand what we have been through. Perhaps you might find a cafe near you in this link, app-network.org/peer-support
If your husband would also like to speak to other dads for support, there is a virtual meet up every third Wednesday in the month.
I hope some of this might be helpful and you can talk to your GP about your medication and how you are feeling. Take care.
hi i have looked at the groups unfortunately there is none near me. thanks for help tho
Hello Skyblue7
I’m sorry there are no groups near you. Have you found any time to speak to your doctor for support and ongoing care? Thinking of you.
Hi Skyblue7, just to let you know we are going to be running a peer support meet up on Zoom for anyone who lives in the Uk, on Wednesday 5th July, midday - 1.30pm. You can book on eventbrite, if you'd like to join? No pressure of course!
APP_UK_Cafe_050723.eventbri...
Take care,
Ellie
hi i would like that what’s it discussing?
Hi Skyblue7, it would be lovely if you wanted to join 
we don't have a set agenda, it's an informal, social gathering, just an opportunity to meet together and share experiences. We usually start with introductions, and then just go from there. I find there's usually lots we end up talking about
Sorry Skyblue7 ..... just confirming the link for cafe groups is app-network.org/peer-support. My first attempt wasn’t quite right .....
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