Struggling with my Sister

[KP-HSP]

Mum died last year suddenly and tragically. I did everything to organise her funeral and deal with the admin and have done the bulk of the important jobs for my Dad since then; he has mild dementia. My Sister claims she wants to share tasks, wants to support and be friends, but she is constantly undermining me and trying to make me feel like everything I do is wrong. She is not very good at IT, is not organised and struggles with her own depression and anxiety. I am EXTREMELY CAPABLE and do things quickly and logically yet I am the one who gets criticised. My Dad is rude and nasty to me. My Sister claims it is my fault that he treats me the way he does; I am always kind, caring and polite. But it is taking its toll on me. I am a highly sensitive person so I take things to heart. Why cannot she be kind and grateful that I am doing the lion's share of the jobs? I get completely mixed messages. I may get a supportive, caring message at one point but then later in the day, she sends me an unkind message and it ruins my day. My Dad has three carers who are all willing and capable yet she is always reluctant to get them to do things and prefers to turn up unannounced and cancel the carer - I have told her multiple times times that it is their paid employment and they cannot afford to keep being cancelled; they do not get paid if they do not work! My Sister has a habit of starting a job but not seeing it through to fruition then dumping it on me in a flood of tears at the last minute. This cannot go on. What can I do?

[hypercat54]

Oh what a nasty situation to be in and I am sorry for the loss of your mum.

To be honest I would take a step back and let your sister handle things for now. If she comes to you wanting help I would tell her she criticises your way so she can do it her way and sort it out herself.

As your dad has only mild dementia it is very unlikely he will come to any harm but maybe he will appreciate you more if he sees a lot less of you for a while.

[KP-HSP in reply to hypercat54]

Hello, thank you for replying. I have tried taking a step back but things go wrong when I do. As an example, I thought my sister was dealing with Dad's medications, but she forgot top reorder them and I discovered that Dad had been without any meds for 2 weeks or more only because I happened to go to my Dad's house to get paperwork for the GP. I have now rectified this situation and have arranged an urgent medication review with the GP. I have arranged dosset boxes as Dad was not able to sort out his pills any more since his knee surgery (which was 100% down to me and he is now able to walk reasonably well with very little pain).

I thought she was dealing with Dad's food shopping only to discover she does not get enough food to last (she lives far away and comes whenever it suits her). My Dad needs regular shopping every week! That is now working well with the carer who does it weekly and sends me the receipts.

I just want some recognition of all the things I have done and am still doing but it seems too much to ask.

[Dolphin14]

KP-HSP

Welcome to the community.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your mom.

Your dad having dementia can be part of his behavior. People with dementia can often get angry. He is also living a different life without his wife, could that be the cause of some of the issues.

Sadly some people are better at criticizing than they are at being appreciative and thankful.

No matter how difficult it is you need to step in for your dad's well being. If he's missing his meds and doesn't have enough food it's neglect.

I'm not sure how you do this without getting hurt. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

🐬

[KP-HSP in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate he is probably depressed and I have tried without success to get him to go back to his men's club, even organised a friend to take him. But he will not go. I naively thought that after his operation, he would be more mobile and want to go out again. I am thinking about antidepressants for my Dad, but it is the doctor's call.

My Sister doesn't seem to be able to look at the bigger picture. She lives in the moment and doesn't realise that if you don't do things consistently for elderly parents who are incapable of looking after themselves, then problems will occur. It is a big responsibility and me living nearer and being more capable (and pre-empting problems), I get the brunt of the work. I also have elderly in-laws who I have done so much for and get nothing back apart from ostracism and passive-aggressive behaviour from my sister-in law and brothers-in law (and their partners). My GP when prescribing me antidepressants last year could not believe that I had done so much for THEIR Father and THEIR Step-Mother yet were treating me like a leper. I just do not understand people. My in-laws love me and are often singing my praises. My Step-Mothe-in-Law's children love me too and are always thanking me. Now all this with my own family. I have a great outlet though, my own children who love me and support me. They are my life.

[Dolphin14 in reply to KP-HSP]

I think with anything in our lives we have to follow our hearts. Meaning when these people are gone did we do the best by them that we felt we should give.

Having no regrets when someone passes is the way I look at it.

Find some balance, assign some things to some people. You don't have to do it all. There is the people pleaser and caretaker at play here also.

[Stillstanding53]

I am very sorry about your Mom and sadly, I do know exactly how you feel. I lost my Mom 9 years ago on May 5th. Mother's Day is a very rough day for me. I have a sister who is 2 1/2 years younger and I have not seen or spoken to her since my Mom's funeral. She did exactly the same thing to me that your sister does. I took care of my Mom for 10 years after my Dad died and I was the one who made all the hard decisions. And my sister, who had more time off from her job, did basically nothing but find fault with every single thing I did. I tolerated it while my Mom was still alive, however it did take a toll on me. Physically and emotionally. I know what you are going through and the best advice I can give you is to not lose sight of your goodness and your worth. Your sister behaves as she does because she herself is insecure and has really nothing to do with you. I know it's hard, but you have to work at it. At my Mom's funeral, I told my sister to take a good look because she will never see me again. And she hasn't. I have forgiven her, for myself, however I have also removed all the toxic people from my life and those that caused me pain. I think you need to do the same. Dealing with your Dad is surely hard, but all you can do is your best.

I will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong and know that you're a good person. That's what I keep telling myself. I am now 70 years old with no family left and it's hard for sure. However, I do have peace of mind. Be well.

[KP-HSP in reply to Stillstanding53]

Thank you. Yes, my Sister lacks confidence and has much depression and anxiety but WHY hurt me, WHY criticise me, we are family??? She seems to say one thing and behave in an opposite way. No clue.

[Stillstanding53 in reply to KP-HSP]

She’s feeding her damaged ego. That’s why my sister treated me as she did. Try to remember one thing. Family isn’t always blood. Take care!

[Electricblues]

Hello, and I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes, one has just to accept that a sibling is not going to change. Yes, you are a good person, and it would be wonderful if your sister acknowledged that to your face. But she apparently is not going to do that. It doesn't matter why or what she does or doesn't do. Let go of expecting her support. You need not defend yourself. It appears there are too many chiefs when she does become involved, and you would instead handle the big picture without her. Perhaps you could acknowledge you are in charge without apologies or expectations. Consider doing that for a while, emotionally and physically. The fact you have the support of your children and inlaws is wonderful when being in charge is tricky; you appear to be on the side of the angels.

[Cookie2217]

I struggle with my sister as well and I live under her roof temporarily which makes it worse. This past Saturday I caught her talking crap about my husband in the bathroom to my other sister Kelly and I was going to call out from the bathroom but waited till I came and walked up to her and said I'm sorry that your son doesn't like my husband's chicken parmesan and just turned around and wash my hands and walked out of the bathroom her face was white as a ghost she was cold busted. I think she's jealous of my marriage because it's a good one and her piece of crap husband cheated on her told her that he cheated on her and she still allowed him to live here which baffled the hell out of me. My sister Maureen is very cold and is uncommpassionate towards others. For example when my mother could no longer drive because she had imacular degeneration my sister lived literally right down the hall from her and never lifted a finger to help her with anything. I lived about 20 minutes away and came every single day and went shopping for my mom to make sure she had everything she needed and I told her mom you took care of me all my life and it's now time for me to take care of you I will help you with anything I can everyday all the time don't worry about anything. That being said my husband and I live under her roof and she's made it absolutely horrendous daily and she nitpicks about everything like she called my husband a messy cook ing when he's trying to cook us a nice chicken parmesan meal that he makes enough for all four of us to enjoy myself my husband my sister Maureen and her son Robert. My husband may be a little messy but at least he's cooking for the family what's the big deal. Then she actually complained wants that my husband's hair gets in everything when he cooks which is not true whatsoever she has a dog that sheds a lot and I told her that it was the dog's hair and she immediately disagreed with me because my sister always has to be right about everything. If you say it's white she'll say it's black. My sister Maureen thinks she's smarter than everybody else and that she can do no wrong. It's gotten to the point where my husband won't even go upstairs anymore because he feels so uncomfortable and hurt so he's going to cook before she comes home but he's staying completely away from her or her son. My husband actually goes in and out of the basement window when he has to go get gas or go to the store or anything and I think it's so sad that he's doing that but I think it just doesn't want to be around her at all and I don't blame him. My husband, Paul knows now that she and her son don't really like him which is very hurtful for him and my heart goes out to him. There's absolutely no reason for this at all. Now mind you Paul mows the lawn, cooks, vacuums, takes the garbage out and does whatever he can to help out here . Now that is all ended he's not going to do anything anymore and I don't blame him. My sister actually told me that my husband Paul is snippy to her and her son and to me and I politely said that's not true he's not that way to me at all and she said when she tries to ask him something he turns around and blurts out what really.... he's done absolutely nothing to warrant this behavior. I finally had a discussion with my sister and laid all the cards on the table and told her that we would be moving by September 1, 2024, and that I couldn't come soon enough for us cuz we feel very unwelcome here. I told her I don't like the way that she speaks to me and she puts me down and every time my husband Paul and I go out whenever we come home she seems to have an attitude why is she jealous that we're having fun somewhere and she's not? Of course she denied it but it's true she cops an attitude each time. My sister Maureen is the type that believes her own lies and I looked up that behavior and it came down to a perso. has narcissistic personality disorder. Maureen has a one-track mind. My sister even call the doctor's office to check up to see if my husband was actually there or not for what? Why? When my husband confronted my sister about it she lied and said she wanted him to go by her ex's mother's house to see if his car was there and that was a load of crap. When my sister lies she turns white and she freezes immediately and that's exactly what happened. Lastly when we were out last weekend her and her son came down to the basement where my husband and I are living with the flashlights from their phones and she had her son taking pictures of things down here that's a invasion of our privacy and also not right whatsoever she had no business being down here and she claimed that her son wanted to take a hot tub bath because it's down in the basement he hasn't taken one of those in the eight months we've been here why would he want to take one that day? That behavior is extremely sketchy to me and it's unacceptable. As far as your sister goes I would call her out on her behavior because enough is enough with her disrespecting you.