Sorry if this redundant
I cant deal with this anymore. So much pain, suicidal ideation, crying, anxiety, emotional paralysis/inertia. I just want to be me. Instead im this ball of depression i cant get out of. I want to br normal, i want to be my old self, but im not. Im a shell of that person. Empty, no interests, just sad, depressed and anxious.
Everytime i think of suicide, i look at the pictures of my 12 year old son on the wall of my cubicle at work and it brings tears to my eyes. I cant leave him, it will ruin his life. Plus, i want to be his dad and watch him grow up. And i cant leave my wife, the love of my life
But im dying here. I just cant take it. Its too much. I cant do it. Its too hard. I cant do anything. My parents are coming this weekend to file medical claims for my doctors bills. I dont even know where they are and cant be bothered to find them. I just cant do it.
I can't get anything done at work. I can't even talk to people. I can't live like this. I'm not me, I'm empty, have no interests, I just sit around and stare at walls. Sometimes I think I do want to die, it's the only way out. I don't think I'm ever going to get better. I don't know how to. I see my therapist twice/wk and we do DBT but it's just not sinking in. And I see my psychiatrist once/wk on top of that. I want to get better, i really do, but i can't find the strength or energy to do it. Im just stuck in this void, this no mans land.
I need help!! Nothing is working. I just started Cymbalta, but im cross tapering coming off lexapro so im on both drugs at the same time. Its only been a week and i really really hope it works, but its another 2-3 weeks im on a therapeutic dose without lexapro, the waiting is agonizing. My whole situation is agonizing. I dont know what to do and how to get out from under this.