I am new to this site and just wanted to share some of my challenges in an effort to see if anyone else may be able to relate to my story. My wife suffers from severe anxiety attacks. We have been dealing with this for about 12 years. Her attacks feature paranoia about people coming after her. She thinks they are plotting against her. Comments have included others bugging her phone, or our house to gain info about her. However, the biggest impact has been in our relationship. On a daily basis, she believes I am cheating on her. And she is constantly looking for evidence to support the thoughts in her head. I am sure she knows who I am, but I am a witness that when the flood of thoughts come and present anxiety, then they become the reality for her.
I am hurting. I have fallen into a deep depression over all this. I am not even as functional as I should be with my own daughter because the cycle of this affliction is so hard for me to bear. I want myself back. I want to be present for my daughter as I should. And, I also want to help my wife through these challenges.
Any suggestions on how I can stay healthy enough to support myself and her as well?
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runningwiththebulls
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Is she seeking any therapy for this? On any medication for paranoia? It almost sounds like schizophrenia, and if she isn't treating it and you are living with her and these symptoms, this will end your marriage. I reccomend sitting her down and discussing the realness of the stress this is putting on your family. I'm sure you daughter feels it too. This is not at all normal and something you should be dealing with regularly. If she is seeking help and treating it, she may need to alter her medication and try a different type of therapy. When someone's mental health starts creating damage in a loved ones mental health, that is where things are starting to become "toxic" and "unhealthy." I'm very sorry you are dealing with this.
I can relate in the way that my loved one wouldn't treat his own mental illness, and now I became a single mother raising our child without him, because he had started to deteriorate me with him, and my child needed atleast one parent who was sound.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I also appreciate you sharing your own personal experience that has me thinking a bit. The truth is that I feel I am on borrowed time. I don't know how much more I can take. It's bad ... DAILY! And your caution about allowing a loved one to deteriorate me hits home!
I agree that she needs a professional evaluation. However, getting her to that point is a different story. It's a very slippery slope. In the past when I have made suggestions about her getting help, she leans into the idea that I am gaslighting her and trying to inflame her. Sometimes that I am trying to tell her about herself and I have no expertise on this. Other times she mentions that she feels attacked. She also thinks it's connected to me trying to make her out to be "crazy" so that I can have more women for myself. So, I really have to move cautiously.
However, I am positive that there is a serious mental illness that is going unchecked. The intensity has grown over the last few months (especially in this COVID era). I also agree that the behaviors mimic Schizophrenia. But, I'll leave that conclusion to a professional.
Any suggestions on how I can get her to the point of accepting and getting an evaluation without pushing her further away?
hi- first of all I am touched that you are so supportive of your wife. im wondering what would happen if you guys went to couples counseling and then let the therapist( vs you) pick up on the status of your wifes mental health and the therapist give her a referral? you could take the angle that you r depressed n love her n want to go to couples counseling. thoughts?
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes, we have actually had several marriage counselors over our 12 year + of fighting this. I think this has actually been one of our missteps. We had been approaching our issues from a relational perspective when this has become clear now that it's a mental health issue.
I am certainly willing to return, however, I think we need to address the core issue first.
got it. im just wondering how that would work if your wife perceives your suggestion that she get a mental health eval as you gas lighting her. it seems like the idea that she get an eval for a possible psychotic disorder would have to come from someone with the correct letters behind their name vs you. i am so surprised n disheartened that in 12 yrs, no therapist has picked up on your legit concerns that your wife is suffering from a possible psychotic disorder. as you definitely know, folks cant learn better communication/ marriage/ etc skills if the underlying issue is def not a lack of understanding how to communicate but rather a serious medical condition/ mood disorder. yikes, i feel for your situation. keep reaching out to this group cuz guaranteed someone will have an idea or suggestion that you can switch up a bit n apply to your personal unique issue u n your wife are facing. very complex stuff u have!
Yes. I agree. I am also grateful to people like yourself wtfadhd, who take the time to reply. This is a really difficult time, but your encouragement help.
If she “thinks others are bugging her phone, or our house to gain info about her”, meaning other people than you, you probably don’t have a relational issue that is really about you or even within your ability to control. (But I am not a doctor.)
Twelve years is a super long time to experience this way of relating. Is there any truth to her claims and fears about you (like past infidelity)? And maybe that fed into her self esteem issues?
You have a child, so if your wife is paranoid and she thinks this way stuff about several people, I would be very concerned about leaving her alone with your kid. She might decide the child is spying and do something dangerous. Have you talked to your family doctor or pediatrician?
Thanks for replying. Of course, you don't know me. This is not a brag, but I am a stand-up guy. I am not invincible by any means to infidelity. However, I am a bit of a spiritual guy. I feel cheating on my wife is a bigger penalty than just our relationship. I have always lived my life this way. The people who are close and REALLY know me say the same. I think this is why this is hitting me so hard. Despite how I keep certain boundaries with women, she still echos the same sentences. In 23 years, she has never had any evidence of misconduct. But, she has these thoughts planted that I have cheated over and over with multiple people.
But, I am 100% positive I am on the right path. This is not an esteem issue. It's not a relational problem between us. It's not even an issue of me behaving in such a way that raises flags. This is a mental health issue.
I am so positive because she distrusts almost EVERYONE. Friends, Co-workers, family members, etc. have all had a plot at some point and time and couldn't be trusted. I just happen to be the person who is around her the most. So, I get the daily dose. Everyone else she can easily alienate.
I am currently looking for a referral to a therapist that specializes in mental health issues. I need to meet with him or her asap. Any recommendations?
I would recommend she see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist. Would she go to one? Maybe if your family doctor recommended it as a medical concern?
In fact, maybe she does have a medical problem that's causing or contributing to her behavior? For instance:
- Effects of brain injury (TBI). An earlier head injury might have set her up for greater damage from even a mild second head injury (a minor fall, sports injury, or getting rear-ended in a car).
- Medication side effect or interaction! Some newer meds can cause delusions.
- Hormone or nutrient deficiency such as thyroid, estrogen, testosterone, or low vitamin D
- Circulatory, vascular or neurological conditions
- A brain tumor (can be treatable, I have seen someone recover very well)
Wow! This post actually sounds a bit like my husband and I. When I read it from your perspective, she does sound schizophrenic. Yet I have accused my husband of many of the same things. I don’t think others are out to get me, just him. I don’t accuse him of cheating all the time but I certainly have. However, when a condom wrapper and a hotel room card end up in my drier, I have questions! I worry that my husband would try to poison me so I don’t divorce him and he can have our son. I DEFINITELY question on a daily basis sheathed or not he does MANY things intentionally to make me “crazy” and then act like I’m the “crazy” one. But a running theory of mine is that he is actually a possible psychopath. He completely lacks any kind of sympathy and empathy. It’s astonishing really!
Because I’m almost positive that I don’t have schizophrenia (I didn’t have one of these issues for 38 years, until a few years of marriage with my husband) I feel like the best course of action for you guys would be marriage counseling. I think someone needs to sit with both of you on a regular basis and sort through what is real, what is justified paranoia, what is childhood damage that may manifest her trust issues and help figure out whether schizophrenia is a factor. It may also help to talk to her parents. These types of illness tend to manifest somewhere in the late teens and early 20’s. If you speak to them regarding your concerns, they may be able to pin point a moment that even they thought things may have started going wrong for her.
Having a “marriage counselor” may help her feel less attacked. Less like it’s JUST about her. It may even help for you to seek therapy on your own for advice on how to handle bringing her to terms with an assessment. MANY people are opposed to help. It’s definitely something a psychologist has seen a million times.
I am also sorry that you and your husband are having challenges. The whole cheating this is so upsetting to me because I take great precautions to keep myself out of vulnerable situations. The idea that her anxiety will never see me as a loving husband, but rather some monster is hard to swallow.
We have had tons of marriage therapy. However, we have never addressed our issues as a mental health issue. So, I need to find a marriage therapist who specializes in schizophrenia (which seems like a unique skill).
Try looking at it the other way around? Find a full PhD / MA psychotherapist who also does marriage therapy.
If you can't get her to go to a psychiatrist, a psychologist has more training than a social worker/LCSW or family counselor.
No matter if she will go to get help, please go to your own individual therapy to keep from sliding into depression any further. You have been experiencing trauma, if you think about it. I'm not suggesting it because I think you're wrong or your wife doesn't need therapy, I'm suggesting it because anyone in the situation you describe yourself in ought to have trained therapist support.
I hear you loud and clear notanotter. I am on the path to get help for myself asap! Yesterday, I was cleaning up and burst into uncontrollable crying. This was a huge red flag that I am falling apart. Our marriage is really suffering as well, because her anxiety keeps a buffer between us. I have given up on the idea of marriage as I once thought it would be. My only true goal is for us BOTH to get help.
I know you say that you are not cheating -however is there something in your behavior, the way you treat her, or the way you treat other women, that could be causing her paranoia? I just say this because I know a number of men that are amazingly charming and attentive with other women… personally there have been three married men I know that have been extremely sweet and attentive towards me (I’m married as well). I would never do anything and I really don’t think they would either, but there definitely is some unspoken undercurrent of attraction and I believe their wives have all picked up on it. If I were them, I would 100% be suspicious that their husbands are cheating, when in fact they are absolutely not. However there is sexual chemistry between people that can be felt by others and that could cause suspicions. Secondly, do you treat her in the same manner as you do other women? Because if you are kind and charming with other women but do not give her that same special treatment at home, that may be another reason she could feel your cheating (when you’re not). Also could it be because you are no longer treating her in the same manner as you used to, and she wonders why?
Hello 🙂 how are things? I’m sorry you are in a dilemma. I am in a similar one. I just joined and not sure if anyone is still on this forum . I hope all is well with you 👍
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