Feel like giving up-teen with ODD getting meaner and meaner

[ORRYmom]

I just feel like giving up today. I always thought I was good with children-I feel like a total failure with our teen son. He's on stimulant medication, anxiety medication and nothing seems to be working. Over time, he has gotten meaner and meaner. Yelling at us, swearing and calling us awful names to embarrass us in front of the neighbors. Every time he is asked to do something-homework, a chore, anything but be on a screen-he is awful. His grades are getting worse and worse. He swears at us all the time, threatens to write emails to his teachers about how awful we are when we ask him to set any limits. He refuses to do anything. It feels so totally unbearable. I just want to trade him in for another child. I sob and sob despite trying to take the time I need etc. I just want to run away or resent and start over with a different childr. It feels so awful.

[BLC89]

ORRYmomI am so sorry you are going thru this.

I wonder what else is going on if meds don't have an impact. They don't work for everybody, I know, but they usually have some sort of impact. Autism, can coexist with ADHDalong worth other disorders. If he feels different and has no clue why he is different and meds don't help I could see being extremely pissed off about all that.

Is there a place for troubled teens with and ADHD focus? He needs intensive support to crack thru the rage and get him to be curious about how he ticks.

I honestly wouldn't worry about school right now, I would figure out what type of support you think could get thru to him.

Unfortunately I don't have any answers other then to get yourself support.

I'm so sorry you are in this.

Sending hugs for what that's worth,

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD. I am CCSP certified. Find out more at bluelakecoaching.com

[WoollyMammoth123]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. In my own different but similar experiences with my child, I have gone through these feelings of discouragement, especially with Mother's day just a week ago. Boy was that a depressing day!! It's helpful to me to hang on to the idea that these outbursts are springing from a mental illness, not a reflection of me or my parenting. It's a struggle to find a frame of reference in which these experiences don't reach down into your core and shake your very identity and ability to value yourself. One thing thing that helps me is to reflect on what I am choosing to do out of love, to notice those things, and to remind myself that those choices are what make me what I am.

[Pastrysam76 in reply to WoollyMammoth123]

100% this- “It's helpful to me to hang on to the idea that these outbursts are springing from a mental illness, not a reflection of me or my parenting” It’s taken me years to come to this. I still struggle in the moment, and when the other parent continues to blame my parenting.

[anirush]

My 17 year old grandson is finally pretty stable after years of anger issues. Besides Straterra and Risperdal for anger he started on Sertraline for depression. It really made a difference. Never thought about depression adding to his problems. Hope you are able to get him help. Counseling also helps for both of you.

[Shamasamdrew]

First and foremost, I am so sorry you are going through this. Secondly, I hope you are getting counseling for yourself. This sounds very hard and getting support for yourself and how you are feeling would be beneficial.

Also, I would really have his doctors look at his medications again. He really might be on the wrong combination of medications which could exacerbate the problem. If there is a chance of finding a psychiatrist that specializes in ADHD and ODD, that might be better in getting the right medications for your child.

[SunsetBeaches]

Hello, I’m sorry to hear your pain. I do tend to agree with having medications looked at with his pediatrician. We have a 11-year-old son with ADHD and we did try medication’s when he was almost nine for about a year. I never really noticed as it slowly crept up on us but the medication caused our son to have extreme anger, outbursts and sadness. It was a slow process that took about a year to change his personality as the doses increased, and I did not even notice his changing attitude and temperament as it elevated slowly under our noses. I didn’t put two and two together until our other college kid came home and noticed what a difference he was and thought he was acting psychotic and could not believe what he turned into as that was not the sibling they knew and loved. It is strange that I didn’t even realize it being my own child the change in his temperament over the course of the year due to the medication’s and I needed someone else to actually notice the difference and mention it to me. Sidenote he’s doing much better being off the medication although there are still struggles with language, time spent on electronics and school, especially with him entering middle school and I’m not sure where we’re going with medication because father is against it. But I can’t really really give much of an opinion either way because I haven’t gone down the road of middle school or high school yet, we are just beginning. Wishing you the best of luck.

[Mamamichl]

have you researched how to work with people with ODD? Is he with a counselor? You should ask a mental health professional for help, if nothing else.

[Mwadhd]

I'll echo others and tell you you're not alone and be kind to yourself. Not sure how this works in other areas of country, but when things got really bad here I filled out a grant with our local family and children first council for intensive in home therapy for 3 months, and tried abilify low dose for my kid...both of those things have significantly helped our at home life. Wishing you all the best and a quick resolution, as it's hard as hell to live through.

[Efsrdad]

I am sorry about your struggles with your son.

My teen daughter battles ADHD and executive function disorder every day. We have had our share of arguments over homework and chores also.

Teens with ADHD have difficulty controlling their emotions. Thus they react to a frustrating event with intense negative emotions. They don’t have the ability to inhibit their anger long enough to evaluate the situation and come up with a more appropriate response. He just reacts. He doesn’t stop to think about responding to you with the kindness and respect that you deserve. He will be able to learn that anger is ok but he must keep his emotions in check and think about what should be the proper response to the situation. However he will need the right ADHD medication to help him keep his emotions in check so he can respond to a frustrating event properly.

My daughter is on stimulant medication and is in a good place now. She will attend the college of her choice this fall.

I wrote an article about our battles with homework and how we deal with it from her perspective. I attached a link if you would like to read it. Good luck and hang in there!!

medium.com/neurodivergent-l...

[marinecyan]

ORRYMom, I am so sorry you have been in a painful situation with your son for such a long time. I have definitely had times when I felt like giving up. I had heard of parents sending kids to an outpatient facility to help both the child and parents to reset (I have no idea what that type of place would cost).

I know it might seem like a long shot but your son may need nutritional support for his medications to work. If you're interested, I'd recommend reading the book Finally Focused by James Greenblatt. Greenblatt explains how a wide variety of mineral, nutritional and/or gut imbalances contribute to ADHD symptoms. Many imbalances can exacerbate symptoms, cause stimulant medications to be ineffective or to have the opposite effect than they're supposed to. You can check out Greenblatt's website as well: finallyfocused.org/

Using that book and working with our psychiatrist, we found that my son was very low in Omega-3s (common for kids with ADHD) as well as iron, zinc, vitamin D and B vitamins… He eats well for a kid but he also had evidence of yeast overgrowth in his gut. He’s taking Omega-3s, Vitamin D, low-dose lithium and probiotics as well a prescription multivitamin called EnLyte that contains high dose B vitamins include methylated folate. (My son has a common gene mutation in the MTHFR gene which makes it more difficult to methylate folate and therefore harder to make neurotransmitters.)

My son was borderline ODD when he was diagnosed nearly 2 years ago and the supplements that made the most immediate difference were the lithium (2mg/day) - his big explosions disappeared - and the EnLyte multivitamin shifted his baseline from irritable to happy.

Attached is a simplified neurotransmitter pathway that demonstrates why nutrition is important for neurotransmitter production. Happy to share an additional info and wishing you all the best!

Vitamins & minerals required for neurotransmitter synthesis