Parent of adult ADHDer

[crushingadhd]

I'm a parent of a young adult with ADHD that was diagnosed as a child but he chose not to continue his medication from middle school on. He has had a roller coaster of a life for not 'dealing' with his ADHD symptoms and I as his mom have guilt for not recognizing his issues as being ADHD related until a little over 6 months ago. Back when he was diagnosed (20 yrs ago) medication was the only answer. Therapy and coping skills weren't anything suggested in our area. I only thought that ADHD was a child that was messy and was hyper. I had no idea of the ramifications this would have in his adult life. I wish that I had more information to get him the needed help at the time. Has anyone else experienced this and/or any suggestions?

[Grateful17]

I sure have experienced this. My daughter dropped out of colllege after many failed classes. She is severely depressed and has no job. She only copes or functions if she has a boyfriend and I feel it’s because that person gives her some drive to get out the door and do things in public. My daughter blames me as the reason for her insecurities because she said she has basically been yelled at her whole life. I wish I didn’t yell when she was younger. I also wish I knew more about ADHD. She tested me every day in every way. It’s been a non stop roller coaster and a lot of anguish..

[LL_Mom in reply to Grateful17]

Hello... I'm sorry that your family is struggling so hard. I have a 14-year old daughter that was diagnosed when she was 12. She also has sensory processing disorder, which also makes it hard for her to focus because noises and tactile issues keep her on edge. I am taking her to a specialist for the sensory issues; however, when she tried stimulant medication, it made her crazy--the side effects were severe. I am very worried about my daughter's ability to transition well into adulthood. She is homeschooled now because she cannot tolerate her middle school (bullying teachers and students); the noise and her inability to wake up in the morning are also a problem. She is only motivated to do things that she enjoys. She used to like school and learning, but not anymore. I try not to worry, but it is a constant struggle to raise this kid. I try hard not to yell, but sometimes I slip. She is also in counseling. What else do you wish you had done to help your daughter when she was still at home? Also, I wanted to say that I know that you feel bad about how things are going for your child right now, but I honestly do believe that each individual MUST take personal responsibility for their own success for failure. That is the only way that anyone can begin to improve their own lives. I tell my child this almost on a daily basis. I also gave her several books on coping with ADHD. In addition, I'm going to have her read a book called the Four Agreements, which really is about claiming personal responsibility for the betterment of one's life.

[LL_Mom in reply to LL_Mom]

I also wanted to urge your daughter that she can go back to school when she is READY. One of my nieces dropped out, and after working for a few years--and floundering, she is successfully back in college and doing great. They can only succeed if it is IMPORTANT to them. Also, I went into the Navy (and almost got kicked out), but did finish my enlistment. I did not start college until I was 25 years old, then I stopped for a year and finally went back and finished when I was 31 years old. I had to work and pay my way all the way through (and take loans). I now have a doctorate degree from Harvard. I could not go to college until it was IMPORTANT to me. Please remind your daughter that sometimes people just have to wait until they are ready. We don't all finish college in our early 20s.

[Wanderlustgirl in reply to LL_Mom]

Except for the military and Harvard, I was exactly the same. I don’t know if I am ADHD, but would guess I am. I agree 100% that it has to be important. My son is an expert in anything he is interested in but to go through the motions are difficult. After 2 universities attempts, he is now in community college. The choice is his. If he doesn’t complete the class he pays because I am throwing 1000s of $ out the door. . I don’t require he goes, it is up to him. He decided to take 2 classes and work part time. I literally count the days to the end of the semester. He reminds me that general Ed courses are stupid and useless (to a degree I agree with him but I would never say so lol). He is still at home at 21 and we pay most of his expenses. He has zero grasp on financial accountability. He is super smart but he will have to do it his way but sadly this world only offers a “one size fits all” opportunity which doesn’t jive with people with differing personalities and strengths.

[Madmarie in reply to Grateful17]

I’m not sure how old your daughter is but the similarities compare so much to my daughter. She too dropped out of college, and has a job, and a boyfriend. She and I can’t live with one another. We went through a few rough years, I learned about boundaries, and applied them to our relationship, she didn’t like that, and hated me for a few years. I paid for her to go to therapy, and still do. It helped quite a bit, from there she was referred to a psychiatrist to finally address her issues with ADD, depression, and anxiety. She’s doing much better, and her and I are back on the mend. She knows my love will never waiver, we both have said our apologies, and are moving on. I’ve had to realize she is her own person, and I can’t dictate how she chooses to live her life. I guide her if she ask, and I always try to give her the best advice if she ask. I don’t criticize or hound her. If she wants to live with her dad, and drive the same beat up car, and make minimum wage the rest of her life, who am I to stand in her way. At 21 she’s free to make her own decisions, I’m hopeful that in time she’ll figure it out. Good luck to you! To say it’s frustrating is a understatement!!!

[Frustratedmom]

I am also in this boat. After being relatively successful in high school, my son totally struggled in college eventually failing out after a year and a half. He recently got a full time job but still struggles with sleeping and getting up on time as this is common for ADHD kids. I bought him an alarm clock that literally vibrates him out of sleep!! I have also gotten, “all you do is yell at me all of the time!” And we all wish we had done stuff differently, there weren’t a ton of resources when our kids were little. Hang in there, the goal is to help them find their way and ultimately be happy. Yes, our road is much harder than others but our reward when they eventually find their way will be that much sweeter!

[LL_Mom]

I hope that you get a lot of input from people on the forum. I am attempting to do more from my now 14-year old in an effort to help her become more self-sufficient. The struggle is hard. But, honestly, I am MAKING her take more responsibility. I'm getting her connected with an ADHD clinic that I just learned about in my area. I will also take her to a specialist that may be able to help her with her sensory issues. I pray that your son finds the things that important to him--the things that will help him work harder to overcome his challenges. If you have not heard about a book called the Four Agreements, I highly encourage you to read it and see if it is appropriate for your son. I am going to give my daughter a copy in the hopes that it motivates her to take more personal responsibility for herself. ADHD or no ADHD, she must be willing to take the reigns of her own life. Good luck to you; your son is now an adult with ADHD, has he been able to find resources to that he needs? He may have to try different doctors/clinics until he finds the right fit. Good luck to you.

[seller]

I am also a parent of a young adult son (age 24) with ADHD and it's also been a real roller coaster ride for all of us since he was about 16. I can tell you that without ADHD meds, life is much harder for our boys. I will also say that they have to be the ones to decide if they will take it or not. My son started ADHD medication at age nine and we got through grade school and middle school without too much angst. High school was a nightmare; he did manage to graduate, although there's a story behind that too! But after high school, he was in and out of college, didn't take his meds, and worked many different menial jobs, was fired from jobs, and was not nice to us. He's wrecked 2 cars and had about 5 speeding tickets since age 18, when he started driving. ADHD teens (boys in particular) are about 3 years behind their peers and don't really show maturity until about age 23. ADHD impacts ALL areas of their lives: school, money management, driving, substance abuse, etc. He finally started showing signs of maturity about a year ago, when he decided to return to college (on his own dime) and to take his Vyvanse again. There is light at the end of the tunnel, although it's been a very long, dark tunnel! I would also like to mention that therapy, coping classes, etc are not much help because our sons' have almost no insight into their behavior and have little interest in changing anything, plus they really don't want anyone else to tell them what to do. Let me know if you want to talk!

[Frustratedmom in reply to seller]

Wow you totally described my 19 year old son! And yes I’m totally aware of the lack of maturity and the waiting game of early 20s until they start to “get it.” Until then, it’s a ride of uncertainty. Any advice you can give me until then?

[seller in reply to Frustratedmom]

It really is a waiting game and my frustration has been that it seems to take forever and seeing actual maturity is so gradual. But....it does come, so there is a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel! Here is my advice: lower your expectations considerably and be prepared to provide a LOT more oversight than you would for non-ADHD teens. I would decide on a few rules and then stick to them. Try not to give advice and don't expect long meaningful conversations - short, to-the-point responses work the best. My son refused any type of therapy after high school - he did not want anyone telling him what to do. They don't have much insight into their behavior anyway, so it's often a complete waste of time/money. Do not allow your son to get a credit card and be prepared for him to lose some jobs, run out of gas, call you late at night, mess up your house, not brush his teeth/shower, forget to do his laundry, and have really poor money management. Don't push college until he says he's ready to pay for it himself. I shudder when I think of all the money we wasted, trying to our son to take college seriously. My son decided about a year ago that he was ready to return to our local community college. We made him pay for the first year's tuition himself to prove he was serious. I think he will actually graduate next spring! (He's in the Criminal Justice program and loves it.) Our boys don't usually like jobs where they have to sit a lot!

No one could have ever told me that parenting an ADHD kid would take SO long - they aren't ready for adulthood at 18, but eventually they do seem to get it! Let me know if you want to chat - I'd be happy to!

P.S. ADHD medication works wonders - my son decided to go back on his Vyvanse and all of us could see a huge difference, but again, they have to decide on their own to take it.

[Pmom in reply to seller]

Thank you so much for the advice. I have a 14 year old son and does not want to take medication. He has add and 504 plan and struggling in school (lack of focus).I don't want to push him to take meds and I am considering therapy for him. He said he does not want to go to therapy because it will not help him. At this time I don't know what to do but you are right they will mature eventually. I am hopeful that my son will be successful in life.

[seller in reply to Pmom]

I am sorry to tell you this, but you can forget therapy for him at this age. They may appear to listen, but are not able to make the long-term changes needed for real behavioral therapy. They also are really resistant to being told what to do by yet another person. ADHD is a truly a neurological disorder - changes in brain chemistry cause the lack of focus, impulse control issues, and poor executive function. Therapy, management techniques, etc. can be helpful with older ADHD kids (I actually saw my son making a "To-Do" list on his phone yesterday and almost fell off my chair!") But he's 24 now and his brain is almost fully cooked! But younger ADHD kids only respond really well to the medication. Most will need to take some sort of ADHD meds for life - which is no different than people who take meds for diabetes, or hypertension. This disorder does not go away, but people do learn to manage it and arrange their lives for the best outcome. For example, my son would never do well at a desk job - he needs more stimulation and movement. He hated baseball - too slow for him, but he loves soccer. My son did not have a choice about his meds when he was 14 - he had to take them. And he would not have graduated from high school without them. ADHD will most likely impact many areas of your son's life: driving, school, substance abuse, dating, jobs, etc. I would seriously consider medication, especially at this age.

[AWTL in reply to seller]

I can relate to the problem of the hangup with executive function. I understand it as not being able to coordinate different perspectives or new information as it comes in, and that results in a reentrenchment of ideas, defensiveness, etc. So its impossible to get through to offer any kind of help. It's like my son has created a membrane around himself, various membranes (a small circle of friends, a neighborhood with people of similar interests and a refusal to let anyone offer advice except for what he requests) that allow him to live in a reality of his own making. That makes it pretty much impossible to do anything to be of support.

[Larkin29 in reply to seller]

Wow... this is really helpful to read all the communication. Wish I had found this site earlier... helps to know you’re not alone!

We have a 23 year old son. In his case, he has taken medication since he was diagnosed late in the 3rd grade. Although medication has helped a lot, it is still not a magic potion. A very frustrating up and down, especially when the medication stops working and you’re thinking all is okay (because they think so).

In his case, he made it through school okay (that’s a stretch... roller coaster too) and is almost done with college (one additional year). Like so many of you, I look back and feel like I yelled way too much. I have two children and all of his issues really drew away from our other child who is a breeze. He too has totaled a car, had many accidents because of high speed sports and has put us on edge with things he likes to do.

At this stage he really thinks he knows it all (like many at around this age). He’s far less mature than others and once again, I think the medication is not working at all. He successfully took Adderall for a long time and is now on Vyvanse (for 6 years). We’re on a roller coaster of not getting up, staying up too late, not focusing on school and Intern applications, etc.. etc... I’m tired of nagging and being the safety net. I’m trying to figure out what the next possible medication can be after Vyvanse. He has an appointment for an evaluation of meds, etc... and hopefully we can figure out this conundrum. If anyone’s child has successfully used other meds, would love to know what they take. BTW, our son thankfully prefers meds due to the focus factor but has no awareness when they no longer work.

Thank you!

[seller in reply to Larkin29]

Thank you so much for your reply. As you probably already know, there are lots of posts about children, but very few about the "older" children! My son also has one more year of college and we are biting our nails, crossing our fingers, and praying to anyone who will listen that he makes it! I still am not sure if he's ready for a "real" job - every time I think he's an adult, he does something really dumb and I worry all over again. (Last week he went in to register for summer semester and he'd forgotten his wallet, with his school ID....can't register without your ID! Who does this at age 24.5??) And yes, he's had to take summer classes the last 2 years because he has a deadline - he has to be finished with college by spring 2020 or he's on his own. He will be off my insurance then and it will be time for him to off our payroll! He's also on Vyvanse (for years) after many years on Adderall, and he does take it now - that's a big step - but he knows he can't do school without it. I also see the immaturity. Most of his old friends have moved on - finished with college, moved out of town, some even married, etc. New friends tend to be younger by a few years and most seem fine now, but he had ran with some really sketchy kids a few years ago. I don't think there are any meds you can use besides the Vyvanse. It's really just a waiting game. We are SO tired of being the "safety net" and I am even more tired of managing his life, but I can see that it's getting better. Back to the meds - don't give him anything else unless you think he's really depressed. There's nothing we can do to make our kids' brains grow more quickly, unfortunately! We should talk!

[Lostmomma in reply to seller]

It makes me feel better to read about your experiences and advice. You have been through the same experiences that I am going through now with my 20 year old. I am happy to hear that it has gotten much better since your child got older. I am praying for the same thing. It just can't come quick enough. I am trying to be patient but it is so hard.

[Lostmomma in reply to seller]

You have described my 20 year old to a T. He too dropped out of college after a year of auto mechanics. He has gotten several tickets for various things and blows them off as if they are nothing ,had a couple accidents, has a dead end job that he is very good at and therefore, will not consider an offer that he has received for another job at a garage with someone willing to train him. He would get better pay, benefits and no weekends. He spends every penny he makes, mostly on his car that he purchased above his income level, and tells me that he races it. His poor decisions terrify me. His famous words are, " It's the chance you take". He takes medications, but I don't think they are helping him. He argues with me all the time. I am always wrong, and he tunes out anything he doesn't want to hear, or leaves the house so he doesn't have to listen. I have thought about making him leave the house, but I know he couldn't afford it and I don't have the heart to kick him out. I am trying to keep my sanity while waiting for him to see the light. I don't know if I can hang on for many more years!

[dubstepMaul in reply to Lostmomma]

I agree with Seller, lots of posts about children but not many about "older" children. My son went thru a lot of this stuff. Starting community college, doing okay at first then doing crappy and dropping out. Rinse and repeat! He did that like three times. His time management was next to non-existent. He also got fired from a few jobs. At this point he has 56 college credits and has said that he won't be pursuing any more college. He was always about 4 to 5 years behind his neurotypical peers. Thankfully he has not gotten caught up in any risky behaviors. He is now 29 years old and is finally showing maturity, with his current job and with his attitudes in general. It has been a rough journey, and we are not there yet. Be patient, in time your child will mature. It is difficult sometimes, I sure do understand. But we your ADHD community 'get' you and we are here for you.

God bless.

[Lostmomma in reply to dubstepMaul]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I feel hopeful!

[CCATALANO in reply to seller]

Hi- I can see you wrote this a few years back. If the offer is open to talk to another parent still, I would love to talk. I am raising my ADHD son who is having a very difficult time and doesn’t want to launch, won’t take medication and has little insight. I feel like I am in an island alone and it has been hard. The rest of the family just thinks he is irresponsible and basically an ass*** and that I’m enabling him by not kicking him out. This hasn’t helped and has made things much worse. My response to him is getting worse as I am becoming impatient with it all; lots of yelling which isn’t good either. He is very combative when I mention things and then it escalates. At the same time, he has to take responsibility. Living with him is very difficult on a daily basis and I’m to the point of having him live elsewhere even if I have to help him pay for a place - for my own sanity. Really at a crossroads.

If you feel up to it, I’d love to chat about your experience. [e-mail]

All the best,

Carin

[Pennywink]

Russell Barkley has a book about dealing with adult loved ones who have ADHD. It may be helpful.

amazon.com/When-Adult-You-L...

[shellzbells]

How old is your son? I am going through something similar. I am new to this community and just posted a long post about my struggles. My son is 23. I feel like I failed him as a child too. I refused to put him on medication as a child because of all the stigma. And now he can't function as an adult and I don't know how to help him. I feel guilty and helpless and I worry because he also has suicidal thoughts. No one understands - NO ONE. I feel so alone going through this. It's heartbreaking and terrifying. I don't have any resources yet as I'm new to this. I did start seeing a counselor and that is helping me sort through my feelings at least, but I'm happy to talk more if you ever want to. I'm not familiar with this format so not sure if there are chat rooms or anything.

[CCATALANO in reply to shellzbells]

Hi- I hope you and your son got help and things are going OK. I do understand what you are going through. My son is 22 and the circumstances are slightly different but I basically feel like I am on an island alone. I wonder if he is going to make it. It feels really helpless and hopeless at times. I’d be open to talking if it would be helpful or iou have insight to share. Thanks, Carin [e-mail]