My daughter, who is 16, has over the last few years on multiple occasions hit me or her mother when she gets upset. While she's improving, she's had trouble managing her emotions. Both her and I have had OCD. Both of us are past the worst of it, but I still have it to some extent. After my daughter hits me or swears at me she'll usually soon apologize and say she loves me. A few nights ago, I had been in a good mood all day, but things between my daughter and wife were very tense when I got home. I sat down on the couch next to my daughter with my wife sitting in a chair facing us on the other side of the room. My sister called my daughter on my daughter's cell, but my daughter didn't pick up. When I asked why she didn't answer, my wife said something negative about my sister. In a slightly raised tone of voice I said something in response to what my wife said. All of a sudden, I felt a hard hit on the side of my face and heard my daughter screaming at me about how dare I raise my voice at her mom. I couldn't take it anymore and impulsively hit my daughter on the cheek pretty hard with the side of my fist.
She immediately began to cry and started screaming at me and coming after me. I went upstairs and locked the door to cool down. My daughter didn't have any bruises or injuries or anything, but it was still wrong what I did. Other than one time a few years ago, shortly after I got a concussion, when I pushed her off of me too hard after she jumped on me to get her phone, I can't remember ever hitting my daughter. This was very impulsive, and I feel very guilty about it. She's my only child and I can't stand the thought of me hurting her. I don't remember whether I hit her with the side of my fist or with the palm of my hand, but I am pretty sure it was the side of my fist. It was in a sideways motion against her cheek. I keep trying to remember exactly with what force I hit her. I don't think it was as hard as I can, but it was still hard. Most of my anger was from her hitting my face, but there also may have been an element of frustration that I couldn't properly express myself to my wife.
I ended up leaving the house for a few hours because the situation was very tense. The next day she was upset with me still. I apologized to her and said she should apologize to me too. I told her multiple times I love her later in the day yesterday. Today was better and things were friendly. However, when I was out of the house that evening my wife told me my daughter said she wants to do drugs to distract her from the stress. I am hoping she does not do that, but she has told us she smokes marijuana sometimes which I'm not happy about at all. I told myself to just leave the home next time I even sense things getting tense so that they don't escalate. I also scheduled therapy for my daughter and plan next week to schedule therapy for the three of us.
I know some of the thoughts, like trying to remember how much force I used, are OCD. But it's not OCD to think I did the wrong thing. Even though she hit me, I should have walked away and then just punished her by not driving her places she wants to go or something similar. Am I an abusive parent? How negatively have I potentially affected her, and what should I do from here?
Thanks
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Maximus2019
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I don't think that you are an abusive parent. You stated that you were sorry for hitting your daughter, and that you haven't done that before.
I think maybe you had pent up emotions, anger, that just came to a boiling point. You said it was an impulsive behavior. In my opinion, abusive people/parents intend to harm their children/others. I believe they do that on a pretty regular basis, also.
I do not have any experience w/ abuse, but just knowing what you have said, I do not believe you are anywhere near abusive.
You seem like a good father; you are looking into therapy for your family, and you also realize that there were other ways to handle the situation w/ the phone call. I don't think an abusive person would care if they had hurt someone. Maybe after a while, but it would probably happen over and over. I don't believe that 1 (or even 2 ) times of making this mistake, means you are an abusive parent.
It is good that you made the therapy appointment. I wish the best for you and your family.
I agree with the other response, it’s a reaction to a difficult situation. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and move forward as best you can. She needs you, and you need to go easy on yourself, be well. Wishing you the best.
My son has OCD and Tourette syndrome also. Many people with Tourette have an additional symptom -- rage, or explosive outbursts. There are helpful videos about this by Dr Cathy Budman: youtu.be/7a14Fx7Dm-I and youtu.be/sTO4otKrB0E -- although there is some overlap, I found it helpful to watch both. I think that OCD sometimes features explosive outbursts too. (I don't know why those links look weird. If they don't work, you can go to google and look for Budman explosive.)
I'm by no means an expert or perfect parent, but based on my family's struggles, I can share some things that have been helpful for us:
1. Avoid overstimulation or getting overtired. If someone gets upset, allow the person to calm down in their own way.
2. When you come in to a room with tension, listen thoroughly before intervening.
3. If you know that a family member is prone to hitting people in her vicinity when she's upset, keep a bit of distance when you see that she is upset. As you've noticed, no one is more regretful about hurting or distressing someone than the person who did it.
4. Protect your child from the natural conflicts that may arise in your couple relationship -- have your frank discussion about parenting or other differences out of your daughter's hearing. Parent conflict can be very distressing for a child.
5. Practicing #4 will hopefully help the two parents present a united front with the child.
6. I work very hard to give my son meaningful positive feedback when he's surmounted something difficult or when I'm able to "catch him being good." He installed a grab bar for me recently and I made sure he knew how helpful it was for me, and what a professional job he did. (This was his first such project.)
7. I try to focus on one particular retraining goal at a time. For example, he is 19 and the goal right now is to get to work on time, preferably without a big crisis because he waited until the last minute to get ready.
8. I try to make sure he understands in advance that X consequence will be in store for him if he does Y. This means that the first time he does Y, if it's not too egregious, I don't apply X yet, but use the opportunity to check for understanding (I want him to tell me what went wrong and what X will be if it occurs again).
9. I find that the best time to have a heart to heart with him is NOT shortly after an incident, and NOT right before bed. Examples: when are taking a water break from a group gardening project; in the car going someplace and we're both relaxed and having a nice chat.
10. "I messages" are a good way of expressing oneself, e.g. "When you don't call to say you're going to be home later than planned, I worry, and it's an uncomfortable feeling."
11. We are all only human, and sometimes make mistakes. It's helpful to be honest when that happens ("I shouldn't have done such-and-so"), and model learning more about yourself and making progress with your own behavior.
I've found it helpful to pursue my own supportive therapy, because living with a child with major behavioral challenges is stressful.
If you're comfortable talking about this -- may I ask what medications for OCD your daughter is taking, if any?
Tip: if the fit isn't great with the first therapist one tries, it's okay to try someone different. The IOCDF has a directory of providers who are trained in evaluating and treating OCD.
Have you thought about choosing or creating a place in your home where you can do your own calming down when you are upset? Perhaps pursuing a hobby?
It might or might not be the same place for all members of the family. An individual's preference for where and how to calm down may be different from others'. In nice weather I like to putter in my garden. My spouse likes to walk around the block. My son's safe haven is his room. It was hard for me to learn to leave him alone while he's calming down, but it really helps when I do.
Have you been able to have a turn with CBT? We parents have to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of our children.
I grew up being physically and verbally abused by my father. As a woman, my relationships with men are always, to some degree, about trying to resolve the feeling of powerlessness and lack of self-esteem that I learned from absorbing my dad's abuse. I've been in all kinds of therapy for the past thirty years. My dad "didn't believe in therapy," though he was depressed, had OCD, and regularly talked about killing himself.
You are the biggest male influence in your daughter's life. If you want her to grow into a confident and happy woman, you will go to therapy by yourself as well. Not for OCD specifically, but because you need to understand how your actions as a man affect the women in your life. It doesn't sound like you are truly aware of how you are speaking to your wife, and it is incredibly frustrating for children to witness this kind of abuse.
I saw my mother being constantly verbally humiliated by my father, and it was terrifying because I couldn't stop it. I am very proud of your daughter for standing up for her mother. I wish I had had the guts to do so.
I urge you to think about how your response would have been different if you had a son that hit you (my brother fought back physically against my father, and my father gave up abusing him very early on). The way that our culture comes down especially hard on girls who aren't meek enough is insidiously patriarchal and brutal. Sign your daughter up for boxing lessons or a martial art or soccer, and show her positive ways to channel that anger and passion. Don't make her apologize for defending her mother.
Yes, your pride may take a beating, but you need to think about how you want your daughter to relate to men as she goes through life. She's going to meet plenty of jerks and worse, and you want her to know that she is allowed to fight back if her personal space is violated. And never ever, no matter with what side of your hand, hit her again. You are the adult here. It's up to you to apologize, and then model how to grow and become a better human being.
Thank you for your response and your perspective! To put it into more context, for every one time I’ve raised my voice at my wife, she raises it twenty times at me. I only raise it if I can’t hold it in anymore. My wife has also hit me many times and once a long time ago injured my eye by kick my hand when I was lying down and accidentally hitting my eye. Female-male violence and abuse is also real.
I promised myself to control my response next time and not hit back. I will leave the house if I need. wish We are catching a bus now to NYC. Usually our trips are more peaceful since we are all away from the stress of daily life.
Sounds like you've reached some good insights. I hope you and your spouse can work on improving your communication, such that she won't feel she needs to hit you, and I hope you two can learn to protect your daughter from parental conflicts. Also, I hope you and your spouse can learn to give each other time to calm down before hashing things out. Children naturally copy what they see. That is one of the ways they learn. It's a plus of nature. I hope you two (you and spouse) can get to some new interaction patterns so that when your daughter models her own behavior on what she sees you guys doing, it will be behaviors you'll be happy for her to learn.
As you guys are learning not to strike out, maybe keep a few feet of distance from each other!
hi tough day at the office. Seriously acknowledging issues rather than paying lip service is amazing progress. Can I suggest DBT ? My son has difficulties which has caused my depression - but DBT has helped us both. Look up DBT UK Darryl Christie. It really has helped.
honestly it’s really helped , teaches you how to deal with distress and how to look after yourself. I’ve been doing it for maybe 6 weeks and it’s really made my life better way more so than CBT. It’s dialectical behavioural therapy
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