I think I have to brace myself for a hard time

[mister_safety]

One obsession I've been working on is driving. My background on driving is that it was one of the initial obsessions which convinced me to seek a therapist. I barely drove at all in 2021, and just about one month ago started driving weekly again.

I think I had made some okay progress. I've stopped looking in my mirrors as much or it's way down. I've been able to drive through intersections without checking to make sure no one was hit. And until today, I didn't go back to check anywhere. And that's part of why I'm posting this.

Today I drove around town before going to walmart. There is a walmart close to me, but to increase my driving time and get more exposure I drive the opposite way. Yes, this is wasting gas, but I don't drive during the week so I guess I can do it. Anyway, I had a few triggering moments during my drive but none were too bad until I got to Walmart. The parking lot situation was ridiculous. Of course, it was busy and there were people everywhere. The first lane I pulled into had cars almost going all the way to the end of the parking lot. So I decided to drive down the lane towards the entrance of the store, so I could turn and look for another row of parking somewhere else. Of course, driving towards the entrance was a bit unnerving because people were walking around. And no one ever seems to pay attention and there are people cutting across that walking area. Right as I was making my left turn, I thought I saw another person through my driverside window who wasn't there initially. It's hard to explain because it was this very brief momentary thing. And now I can't remember if I looked through my driverside window specifically or through the dash, or if I just looked at both of them at the same time. I think it was the latter. But then when I looked again no one was there, so I drove through. I never felt I hit anyone. But I felt uncomfortable.

After I parked I walked back to the area and didn't see anything. Just people coming and going. I wish that I didn't check, but I did.

It sucks because I was making some progress. And I don't know if this is just OCD pushing back. At the same time, I'm afraid because I don't know what it is that I saw. And now I'm afraid that I'll be seeing things that aren't there. I had a similar thing happen when I drove home. Right before I went through a round about, I thought I saw this black flash in my peripheral vision. It could've been someone on the sidewalk. I don't know. I sadly went back to check too, except on foot.

And the weird thing is that even though I checked in the walmart parking lot for that dead body, I still didn't feel better. But at the same time, I'm not surprised because that's how this condition works. Even when all the logic says no one was hit, it still feels like maybe someone was somehow. And the other weird thing is that when I'm driving on the roads, I also have a similar thing happen where I see "things" in my peripheral vision. Most of the time, I think it's objects on the side of the road or holes. Even shadows that are in the road trigger this same feeling. I think it's because they are dark shapes that my mind associates it with a body. Those types of triggers I've been getting better at ignoring. So I'm not sure why today was different. I think it's because it seemed more real and for some reason I remember the color green, which maybe made me think of someone's clothes?

Anyways, I'm assuming that because I am driving more the OCD is going to keep pushing back and finding new triggers.

[LuvSun]

I can totally relate to you. Just try to tell yourself it’s the OCD making you feel this way. It’s just another intrusive thought beating on you.

[Rougefleur]

Dear Mr. Safety, Your post sounds so familiar to me, as I have suffered from OCD since childhood and some of my worst compulsions over the years were related to driving, thinking I could have hit someone without knowing it, etc. Since Covid arrived, my OCD has resurfaced WITH A VENGEANCE, and I find myself having to reinforce my rational thoughts like well, if I really did hit someone, the police would have been called and they would be chasing me by now. But I know what a constant battle it can be to stop yourself from running back to where you experienced the reaction to check that nothing happened. So hard! But you can do it--and dont get too discouraged when the OCD pushes back. Jusy try to keep rational thoughts in the forefront of your mind when it happens and say to yourself, oh it's just my OCD popping up. Another thing I try to do is to avoid crowded parking lots and congested roads and intersections as they can trigger the OCD response pretty easily. But I am still driving, and so will you; the more you do it the easier it will become and you will be able to see that you are a competent driver-- and that your OCD does not have to stop you.

[mister_safety in reply to Rougefleur]

Thanks. That means a lot. Today I drove to a busy park just to walk around for the 4th of the July. I knew the parking lot would probably be full and it was. My main trigger happened when I was pulling onto the street that leads to the parking lot. The parking lot itself wasn't too bad. But I ended up not parking there even though I found a couple spaces and parked somewhere else far away. I want to work up to that, but reversing out of parking spaces is one of the harder things for me because I feel like someone is always going to be behind my car where I wouldn't see them.

When I ended up leaving, there was a kid and her dad parked behind me, and the dad was getting their truck ready to load their bikes. The kid ran away then left the dad there alone. I reversed okay, but then when I was halfway home I had the intrusive thought that maybe I did hit the kid or something. It's ridiculous how the OCD chases you down.

[Rougefleur]

Yes, it is crazy how OCD can persist in Hou ding you even as you are doing all you can to avoid these compulsions. vtoo have persistent fears in backing out of parking spaces, so I always look for a spot where I can pull out. That does help. And while it is admirable that you are trying to build up to handling the more congested parking lots, parking in less challenging spots for your OCD is fine until you know you are ready. All who suffer from this condition need to give themselves a break whenever they can. The more confidence you can build up over what you Are handling, the stronger your resistance to the most severe triggers will become.

[Bookishbunny]

I struggle a lot with this too. You are doing great. You are not alone !

[SCC1]

Hi. Maybe your OCD started again while you were driving in the parking lot, since its been a while that you drove last It could be that your mind got some "time off" from driving and then when you started again, it was like a little shock to your mind and caused a recurrence of OCD. Driving again could have triggered something that was dormant for a while. That can happen. I've heard from others that one could be doing really good w/ an illness (or other thing), and then 1 thing triggers it. But I wouldn't assume that you will get the driving OCD thoughts as bad as you had them before. It could just be that it was a temporary situation. Try not to fear that it will become full-blown or however it had been before. And, when you saw the other things that may not have been there, that could possibly be a stress-related symptom stemming from driving, which in turn, caused uncomfortable thoughts (OCD). It doesn't necessarily mean anything else is going on. If you're concerned enough, talk to someone you trust. Best wishes!