Cheating OCD / Real event OCD

[Renanm]

Hi guys. I’m new here and I’ve been suffering so much lately. Basically I’m in a new relationship and I worry about mu actions/thoughts all day long. At the beginning of our dating phase, I went out with a friend I had a crush on and had a thought I would hook up with him, had he tried it with me. This was 1 day after my first date with my current SO (we had been texting for about 3 weeks though). Then I felt extremely guilty because I only didnt “cheat” because my friend didnt try anything. I told my SO about it and he was fine, just asked me to evaluate if maybe I liked this friend of mine in a more than friends way. Now me and my SO have been together for about 3 months. This event came back to my mind on friday and I felt so guilty once again for having the “i would cheat on my SO with my friend” at that day. I tried going out to distract a bit and buy a hdmi cable that I needed. Unfortunately this friend of mine lives near my place and I ended up getting close to his street at some point. And I looked at the street and looked to check if any of the people walking was him. I dont want to see/meet him. My mind tells me I looked because that is what I wanted, though. I imidiately felt guilty and went another direction. But couldn’t stop feeling guilty. Anyways, my SO came to my house and we got intimate later on, but then my mind began telling me to imagine it was my friend instead of my SO during sex. And it bothered me so much, I disnt want to do this, but at one time I did and I feel like I liked the image I had. And now I feel guilty I liked. I didnt want to think about that at the time and I knew I had my SO with me at that moment, and I’m so into him. But I feel so awful and like I cheated. I tried stopping those thoughts but they came back and kept in my mind, the more I tried to stop. Now If I’m going to hug my SO my mind tells me I’m hugging my friend and I imidiately stop hugging my SO. I feel like a cheater. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD but I doubt these thoughts are OCD related all the time.

Could someone help? I’m feeing like a horrible person.

[HulaHoop1993]

Hi!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. But I'm here to tell you that you aren't alone. Honestly before I read your post I thought I was the only one who had these kinds of thought processes. My therapist who actually specializes in relationship counseling tells me that part of the cause for this type of thought process is the guilt and need for reassurance that comes with OCD. It's sort of a similar thought process to harm OCD. It's a situation where you have an intrusive thought pop into your head of doing something, anf even though you didn't act on it you still feel ashamed and guilty for having the thought. For me personally, I just got in a new relationship about two weeks ago, and although I really like my boyfriend I'm already having constant worries that I've done something wrong or that I'm keeping secrets. The anxiety gets so bad sometimes I get tension headaches, shortness of breath, tightness in my chest, and I can't stop grinding my teeth. Part of my pattern that makes me feel guilty also has to do with my guilt is PTSD from an abusive relationship I used to be in where my ex accused me of everything. I'm supposed to go back this Friday to see my therapist. All I can say is that I know all too well that it's a terrible feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone, so I'm very sorry that you experience it too. But if I can offer any comfort I would like for you to know that you are not alone! I surely don't mind asking my therapist about advice for your particular situation but only with consent to do so if you think it would help. Hang in there, though. Although my troubles haven't completely gone away by any means, I am able to still have good days through the coping skills my therapist has taught me. It's so hard to believe it when someone tells you, but you didn't do anything wrong.