As many of you now, last week was International OCD Awareness Week. Starting October 13th through October 19th the IOCDF encouraged people to post a video or image of themselves facing a fear with the purpose of educating the public on how difficult living with OCD can be. I followed along but did not participate. It was nice to see how many people were willing to confront a fear and bring awareness to this crippling disorder. But for me, something was missing. I searched the sea of Instagram videos looking to find representation and understanding but after seeing the posts with the face your fear hashtag I think I am the one who has come to understand the general public. OCD is most commonly associated with extreme organization, cleaning, checking, and quirkiness and I believe that conclusion has been made because those of us who struggle with more taboo obsessions, obsessions not related to contamination, are not willing to come forward publicly. And rightfully so.
Before I continue, please know that I am in NO way trying to take away from all the bravery and authenticity I saw in those posts. I am only trying to help others like myself feel validated in their own struggles with OCD.
The majority of the posts I saw online were centered around contamination. Now, I have struggled with obsessions regarding contamination before so I know that for those of us who have OCD there really is no difference in the content of our thoughts and how they effect our lives. Many of us on this forum (including myself) use words like pure, harm, or pedophilia to describe the type of OCD they suffer from. But the truth is that there is only one type of OCD and it is only the theme or material of our thoughts that change and not the disorder itself. OCD is OCD. When I am lost and tangled up deeply inside in an obsession I feel the same amount of terror regardless of whether that obsession has to do with contamination or thoughts of harming others. The panic and fear that runs deep through my veins is the same each time.
One of the posts I saw on Instagram was of a person touching the bottom of their shoe to their face and then resisting the compulsion to clean that contaminated area - and props to them by the way! When I saw that post it clicked for me. Of course the public will understand that not cleaning yourself after touching something as filthy as the bottom of your worn shoe will cause stress and discomfort. The idea of wanting to be clean is one that they can grasp because it is one that they are familiar with themselves. I am not saying that by any means they understand how debilitating it can be to worry about germs to the point where you do not leave your house for weeks. But the idea of cleanliness can be and is easily comprehended. Again, to all of those who struggle with contamination I applaud you and support you in your fight. I know from my own experience how terrifying and debilitating it can be.
So as I found myself keeping up with the week and all the great advocacy that was being done I just still could not help but feel a wave of sadness. The truth is that despite the great efforts of the IOCDF and all of those who share their stories, not many people are aware of the many disturbing and taboo forms that OCD hides behind. Not everyone will understand if you explain to them that you have thoughts of harming children but they are not thoughts that you want to have or would ever act upon...even though secretly you often doubt that yourself. So even though you love your children dearly now you begin to keep them at arms length. You also develop the fear that you will stab your Mom to death and you start creating excuses as to why you can not cook with her in the kitchen, despite the fact that it used to be one of your favorite things to do. Before you know it you begin to question your sexual orientation as well. This creates a deep panic and so you decide to cancel plans with any friend who is of of the same sex to avoid further discomfort. When you close your eyes at night to go to sleep they jolt open when a thought enters your mind - what if I do not actually love my husband? You become so consumed by the thought that a few months later you decide to end the marriage. After all, what if he never loved you either? Now look around and tell me what you see. The answer is this - nothing. OCD has one goal and one goal only, to keep you prisoner to the thoughts and compulsions so that you isolate yourself from everything and everyone. This is the cold and harsh reality of OCD that the world does not understand.
So for any of you who felt similar to me last week please know that you are NOT alone. I see you and I hear you so for you I want to share my truth, and the truth is that I do not go to therapy and talk. I go to therapy and I hold a knife to my therapists neck while we listen to a tape she recorded of a script that involves me harming her with said knife. I go to therapy and we write down the most horrible thoughts that come through my mind and then read them out loud over and over again until the tears have dried. I go to therapy and read through the most violent and terrible news stories without being allowed a drop of reassurance. My therapist does not tell me what I want to hear but she does tell me what I need to hear. I do not think the world is interested in this side of OCD and I understand why because I live with it every single day of my life. It is dark and all consuming and one of the most horrific things that I believe a person can struggle with. My life has been forever changed but if you read my previous post please note that not all the change that occurred has been bad and that my gratitude still remains.
So in honor of all of us who suffer I am going to make you a promise. One day, when I feel ready and I feel that the world is ready for me - I will go public with my story and I can only hope that it will resonate with others. One day I will not hide behind my username. I promise you that.
To everyone who takes the time to read this, thank you. I hope it helps you feel less alone and I am so proud to be a member of this community. To the IOCDF, thank you for all the advocacy you do and all the strides you are making to raise better awareness. I do believe that representation for OCD will only continue to grow and not shrink. Please know your work has helped me tremendously in times of need. No matter what your obsession is please know that I share the same pain and I understand. As always, keep fighting.
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