This is a super rough draft of a script. I need to move blocks of text around, make some better paragraphs, cut some redundancy, etc. I am posting this now because I am swearing off mindlessly pursuing OCD-related tasks for a bit. I think that I spent all of my free time yesterday doing OCD things (5 hours?) I need to stop this compulsion before it gets worse, so I am taking a break from OCD podcasts, articles, writing about OCD, etc. for the next week or two. I'm going to focus on doing some ERP still, but mostly I just want to try living my life and not avoiding. I know enough to do my ERP and that's where my focus should be, not learning the perfect way to combat OCD.
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I will leave books and pens where they are. I will accept the uncertainty that other people may get hurt and that it may be my fault. I will care for my body by exercising and pursuing activities that cause me to get out of breath or increase my heart rate. I will accept the uncertainty that I may make people get sick. I will trust myself to be around others and that I probably won’t hurt people. I will accept that sometimes I am going to be injured and that my body may deteriorate as I age. I will have aches and pains. I will have compassion for myself as I would for others. Just as other people make mistakes and learn by doing things, so do I. I am not perfect, but I embrace and accept all parts of myself. It is OK to be who I am and to act as I act. I will start working on tasks even when I am not sure if I will be able to complete them successfully. It is OK to learn more about a topic, but I will only do a reasonable amount of research and then get started. Some topics (such as OCD) I already know enough about and I will accept that there are some things that I may not know and that I could have learned from others. At the same time I will trust my experience and look for my own ways to improve. It is OK to have things turn out differently from how I expect that they will go. Everyone makes their own choices in how to respond, and someone else’s response is not under my control. When I have a feeling that starting an activity is wrong, I am allowed to make a quick check to ensure that I am not endangering anyone, but after that check, I will go ahead anyways even when I feel uncomfortable and not knowing how things are going to turn out. I will measure my success at tasks by my effort. A good outcome is one where I continue to try to achieve my goals and accept reality as it unfolds. Just because something does not turn out how I expected it to does not mean I am a failure. I am allowed to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness to need others. If a task needs to be done, I will continue to work on that task even when there are distractions. As I encounter difficult, interesting or time-consuming parts of my day, I will remember them and mention them to others. I will talk about them with Bess and Rachel or others. Bess wants to know what is going on during my day and it is my role to tell her. I will tell her and not make her guess or infer what is going on based on my mood and actions. I should assume that she is interested in what is going on in my life and relay the things that I am spending time on and thinking about. I will ask for things that I want or need. Making my needs and desires known is not a sign of weakness or being demanding. I am the one to speak up for myself. When I realize that I am distracted from a situation by my OCD, I will gently bring my focus back to the activity that is going on right now. I accept that I have OCD. OCD is my companion that warns me of danger, but I know that it is overly protective and often wrong. I can acknowledge the perceived danger and then proceed with activities, even when I feel uncomfortable or anxious. When OCD tells me to do something other than what I am doing or want to do, I can acknowledge that request and make a choice about how I respond. If OCD tells me that I won’t have enough time to finish the task, I can still make the choice to start. I can still make progress with the task even if I don’t finish it. Even if I can’t go to the gym on Wednesday due to an activity, I can still go to the gym on Monday and Friday. It is OK to do a job or task and not have it turn out as I expect it will. I accept that learning to live with OCD is a process, and not a task to complete. Learning to live with OCD means that I make choices in how I respond. Just because I made a good or bad choice in the past does not mean that all of my future is destined to be good or bad. The future is unknown and I can only live and experience life when I am paying attention to the present moment. When I pay attention to OCD instead of what is going on I miss out on the present. OCD may find new ways to confront me with fear and anxiety. Once I know what I going on, I have the choice to respond in a way consistent with my goals and priorities and proceed even if fear and doubt intrude. OCD lies. I will not let OCD win. I want to be anxious and live with uncertainty because that is how I show OCD and the world that I can live true to myself. The goals that I want may be difficult, but I can keep trying to achieve them.
By engaging with other people and initiating conversations there will be times that I am misunderstood or I do not convey my ideas clearly. People may have questions for me, may ask me to repeat things or may not understand what I say. By engaging more with others I may encounter more uncomfortable situations. I may seem like I don’t know what I am doing. If I say what I think, others may disagree with me or contradict what I say. I may encounter situations where I don’t feel a strong or deep connection with others. I may not enjoy myself. I may encounter situations that are painful or difficult. The more tasks that I initiate, the more chances there are for things not to turn out like I expect or hope they will. I may do tasks differently from how other people do them. I may be slower than others at doing some things. I may hurt others, disappoint others or not live up to expectations. Bess and I will fight and have times that we feel disconnected. Bess may decide to leave me. Rachel may reject me. I may be fired from my job. I may be alone and friendless.
If I listen to my OCD, I will retreat further from Bess and everyone else. Others will grow more distant from me as our relationship withers from disconnection. If I listen to my OCD, I will not learn new things at my job and I will become useless at accomplishing tasks. If I listen to my OCD I will accept that I will never be able to act normally. If I listen to my OCD, I will stop doing the things that I care about and I will be unable to take care of myself. My OCD is never satisfied. No matter how much I retreat from life and interactions, OCD always finds dangers and wants me to retreat more. My death is the only way that I can be certain.
OCD tells me to withdraw, but that is not what I want. I want to have a strong connection with Bess and to feel secure in our reliance on each other. I want to help Rachel navigate college and starting to live on her own. I want to know her struggles and share my own. I want to provide help to others and let them know that it is possible to fight against OCD and other challenges. I want to experience the variety of life that is all around me. I want to help make my community more in touch with each other and to have empathy for each other’s difficulties. I want people to know that it is OK to struggle, to be imperfect and to not have things turn out how you want them to. I want people to know that they are capable of handling anxiety and challenge. I want to offer chances for people to connect with each other in activities, whether it be in games or over literature, or in deep listening or conversation with each other. I want to see and hear others’ voices and to make my own voice known.
Fear of losing my mind
why did it take me so long to accept my ocd
Was I Too Rough
I'm new here. Rough day today
My OCD is sabotaging my attempts to treat my anxiety and depression.
