Hello. There is a woman I really like and have been interested in for five years. We went on one date about three years ago, but, despite my efforts, I couldn't get a second date with her until two weeks ago. She had ignored all my texts 6 months prior to that, so I was very excited that she not only finally responded, but agreed to meet me. The meeting itself went great. The conversation went very well and I could feel mutual interest. She even messaged me the next day before I got around to touching base with her. Our follow up conversations were good for a while, and she was the one who even asked when we could meet next. We were supposed to meet last Friday, but she got sick and asked if we could meet next week (which would be some day this week), instead.
This week is where I feel I might have ruined it through our text messages. When I get OCD, it prevents me from being able to naturally engage in a conversation, and I can say things which are off topic because I'm not focuses. My former manager even told me once "you gotta work on your segways". He told me that because we were talking about one thing and I suddenly switched the conversation to a new topic. So, with her, while we were texting I couldn't focus well because I was having OCD about a door in my home getting stuck on the latch when it opens and closes, and felt like I needed to deal with that before I could have a normal conversation with her. It wasn't even an emergency since this door was to a room I didn't need to go in, and it was only getting briefly stuck- by pushing a little harder it would easily open and close. In any event, here's how our conversation went:
Her- "who are the other people who work in your office"
Me- "I work with a computer programmer and a latin american film maker"
Her- "Oh interesting!"
This is the point where I felt I needed to say something to keep the conversation going, but I had such OCD I was afraid to mess it up. About six hours later, after thinking about it a lot, and not knowing even if I should respond until the OCD goes away, I eventually said:
"Yeah. It's a nice area, but I drive a lot. Sometimes two round trips a day. Do you work out?"
Now that last question I feel is what killed it. First she is commenting on an interesting person I work with, and I am changing the conversation to be about the location and asking her if she works out. In my ocd, I felt some need to ask a question to give her an opportunity to respond. Now I feel like she just thinks I'm awkward, lame, and boring. This was two days ago and she still hasn't responded. A couple of hours ago I texted her to see if we were still going to meet, and I called her by a nick name that she occasionally has used but which I never called her by. I was trying to be warm, but feel it might have been out of place (it's the kind of nickname a boyfriend would give his girl friend) ("Kit Kat" since her name is Catherine lol).
I was on cloud 9 after meeting her and haven't felt that positive in a while.
My questions are a) how to deal with this problem of OCD sabotaging my conversations in the future, and b) does it looked like I might have made her back away?
Thank you!
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Maximus2019
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12 Replies
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Hi Maximus - I think you explained in detail what happens in your conversations, so your next step might be to work on that, just like your former manager suggested. Relax and be yourself in conversations. I didn't quite understand if these were texts, did you have time to think about your response? I would understand more if the conversation were in person and you were nervous and had to respond immediately. Just some thoughts..............
Thank you for your response Sunn-E. These were texts and I did have tome to respond. It was OCD that caused me to respond the way I did, not being nervous, which is why having time to respond didn’t matter, and probably only made it worse.
She did contact me Saturday and asked to meet, but I couldn’t that day. If we meet again, she I tell her that OCD sometimes affects my conversations like it did with us? Part of me just wants to put it on the table so I don’t need to worry about it anymore. Or, is it an obsession in and of itself that I feel the need to tell her this?
Do you think this particular problem is in fact OCD?
I think the overthinking about it could be part of OCD. The anxiety it’s causing you could be OCD. And, of course, we can sometimes be really distracted by OCD thoughts that can make it hard for us to think clearly.
However, it sounds to me like you did the right thing. The thought about keeping the conversation going is a sensible idea. Asking a question is a great idea, too. Perhaps it was a poor choice of question, perhaps she’s busy or forgot. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here and in another circumstance, or maybe with a different person, this would have worked out well for you.
Don’t feel like OCD is going to ruin all of your relationships. OCD is hard enough without allowing it this power over you. New relationships are difficult for everyone and can be awkward and they don’t always work out. You know you have something you need to work on here with your issues having conversations.
Thank you Eleanor. I agree that it’s mostly the overthinking part that’s OCD. What I actually messaged to her wasn’t so bad- I guess it just switched the tone of the conversation.
Regarding brining up to her that OCD sometimes interferes with my conversations, is that a good idea?
Absolutely. There was nothing wrong with your reply. Yes you changed the subject of the conversation but that was no reason for her to not reply or to think anything badly of you.
Does she already know you have OCD? It’s entirely up to you whether you feel comfortable bringing it up with her.
For arguments sake, if this doesn’t work out between you, would you then worry it was because you’d told her that?
Hi Eleanor. Yes, I did tell her already that I sometimes have ocd, but did not go into any details.
If I tell her hoe it sometimes affects my conversations, I don’t think that would cause her to back off. I’m not sure, though, if after I told her and she did back off whether or not I would then regret telling her.
Hi Maximus - I agree that it's up to you when you feel comfortable enough. I don't know how well you know this lady. I'm married, but if I were dating now, I wouldn't bring it up on my first few dates. I would want to know that person really liked me and enjoyed being with me first, then maybe the OCD wouldn't sound as much like a negative. That's just me. We're all different. There really isn't a perfect time or way.
Hi Eleanor. Now I feel I’ve ruined it again by Thursday night messaging her at 11:30 at night telling her all the times I’m available to meet and trying to make plans. She hasn’t responded all week. Should I just move on or say what I feel? Thanks
This doesn’t sound like you have ruined anything. You’ve tried to make plans with her - that is trying to make something work. Her not replying is her choice.
You have nothing to apologise for and nothing to ‘explain’.
Personally, I would say no more to her unless she replies to you. There could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t replied. We can’t mind read and it’s not helpful to try and predict why she hasn’t because we always end up predicting the worst.
You are blaming yourself and worrying and feeling like you have done something wrong which is driving your need and desire to ‘fix’ this - but you have nothing to ‘fix’.
Maybe the sad truth is you and her aren’t right for each other but that’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that not everyone is compatible.
I have a very dear friend who I know likes (or he did, not sure anymore!) me as more than a friend. I really, really like him - he is a really good person - but I just don’t like him as more than a friend. I’ve had to let him down gently on a few occasions over the years and I always feel guilty but it would be unfair for me to pretend. He’s tried really hard at times to make me like him but the fact is, nothing would. It’s not his fault, he’s not done anything wrong and I really do love him as a friend.
I’m telling you this story to try and show you that this might not be anything to do with you and there might not be anything you can do to make her want that kind of relationship with you.
But please try to stop tormenting yourself with the idea that you’ve ‘ruined’ this every time you say anything.
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