non adhd partner

[Faithhopelove1975]

Does anybody know of an ADHD therapist on Long Island Suffolk County?

I'm struggling with my relationship with my ADHD partner. We've been together for nine years and not married living together. He was never diagnosed officially. We've been to counseling but not with somebody who specializes in ADHD and it wasn't much help. If there are in person or virtual groups that meet for support I'd appreciate some feedback also. Thank you

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forum Faithhopelove1975 !

I think it's wonderful that you're being so supportive of your partner and their ADHD treatment needs.

Are you looking for individual support for your partner, relationship support (with an ADHD informed couples counselor), or maybe both?

I'm at the opposite end of New York state, in the rural region south of Rochester and Buffalo. Most of the ADHD support here (outside of K-12 schools) is from general physicians.So, I can't recommend anyone, but I can suggest where to look:

• Additude Magazine - directory.additudemag.com/ - the provider directory on the Additude Magazine website. (Additudemag.com is a very helpful source of ADHD information.) I presume that's therapists who list themselves there are familiar enough with ADHD to treat.

• Psychology Today -psychologytoday.com/us/ther... - Psychology Today has a good

general provider search, and you can search for ADHD providers, but therapists listed there who mention that they treat ADHD might have greatly varying levels of experience and training regarding ADHD.

• CHADD - chadd.org/affiliate-locator/ - CHADD.org has an affiliate group locator; a local group would likely have the best info on local providers . I looked up the affiliate group on Long Island, and their website is located at chadd.net/chapter/105

[Faithhopelove1975 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you for your response. I am actually looking for both individual and couples therapy. Do you have any suggestions on what type of questions to ask a therapist on their knowledge of ADHD? I checked the attitude magazine and Chadd website however the professionals listed in my area do not take insurance. So I am going to have to find someone that accepts my insurance. My boyfriend is a great man. We did seek relationship counseling in the past but it wasn't with a therapist who specialized in ADHD. This is because I did not know our arguments were related to his ADHD. Only after reading articles and watching videos about ADHD and relationships I became more knowledgeable. I'm not alone with regard to my feelings and frustrations. I just want to be in a happy healthy relationship with him. He has never been officially diagnosed with ADHD. His children have ADHD. So I don't know what type of ADHD he has. He doesn't acknowledge that his ADHD has anything to do with our arguments. I really hope that I can encourage him to see a professional doctor that can determine his diagnosis. Thank you again

[STEM_Dad in reply to Faithhopelove1975]

If he has any ADHD at all, then he most likely has emotional dysregulation.

I have Inattentive ADHD and I'm naturally much more introverted than extroverted. Between the two, I internalize my emotional dysregulation, so it turns into frustration and anxiety and sometimes depression. (I was married for a long time, and I very rarely argued with my wife, swallowing any anger that I felt in the interest of keeping the peace in the marriage. All that did was add to my anxiety. There were lots of times that I needed to be heard, and wasn't because I felt it better to stonewall than to lash out ...but stonewalling is also bad for relationships.)

Others with ADHD externalize their emotions. They might have flash in the pan anger. My ex-wife and our eldest daughter are this way. When they get angry, it shows itself right away. My ex could hold it back for a little while, but when our daughter was a teen, she would just lash out...and then her mother would respond in kind.

• Both lean more extroverted, and both have impulsive traits. Our daughter was very hyperactive as a child, but had no inattentiveness, so she was never assessed for ADHD.

If he's prone to "hot" emotions, then there's a good chance that he has Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD...but that's just my observation. I haven't heard any experts say it the same way.

Here's the approximate breakdown of the ADHD population:

• Predominantly Inattentive presentation = 25%

• Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation= 25%

• Combined presentation= 50%

Put another way:

• 75% have Hyperactive-Impulsive ADHD

• 75% have Inattentive ADHD

• There is a lot of overlap between these group, but statistically, if you don't know any differently, he most likely has Combined ADHD.

~~~~~

Start with your insurance. Ask for a list of providers. Look up the providers, the listed things that they treat. Look to see if they list both ADHD and relationship/couples/ marriage counseling.

Before just booking with someone, ask for a free introductory meeting, so you can ask the questions that you need to ask, like:

• What do you understand about ADHD? Do you have experience treating couples where one or both partners has ADHD? (Along with any other fact finding questions.)

• Don't just read their website. Find reviews. Maybe ask people that you know for referrals. (There's still no guarantees. When I was trying to head off divorce, the marriage therapist that I consulted had rave reviews...but he tried to convince me to file first, instead of giving me any advice for trying to save my marriage.)

• If you can find a therapist who practices the Gottman Method, then I would strongly consider them. Developed by the Gottman Institute, it's definitely focused on helping couples with their relationship, not helping them to split up. (I've heard a lot about it.)

[Faithhopelove1975 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you so much. You are very informative and that means a lot. I love him very much and will try anything to make our relationship better. I am hopeful. Do you have any advice on how to approach him to talk about seeking a diagnosis and counseling? I want to have a healthy discussion with him. He does become defensive and I want to avoid an argument. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you again

[STEM_Dad in reply to Faithhopelove1975]

Depending on his personality and how he feels about this, there may be no avoiding an argument. But that is no reason to avoid the conversation.

I'm not good at dealing with conflict, personally. So, I'm not the best one to ask.

Not knowing him, I couldn't give a recommendation on how to approach the subject with him. Some men are open minded to new information (like I am), while others very much prefer to figure things out on their own.

You mentioned that his children have ADHD, and that's one way to open the conversation. If a child has ADHD, then there's at least a 30% likelihood that at least one of their parents has ADHD. (There's an even bigger correlation the other way...if a parent has ADHD, there's an 80% chance that each of their children will have ADHD.)

I'd recommend reading some books on ADHD, particularly about ADHD and relationships. Dr. Edward Hallowell and Dr. John Ratey partnered on writing the "Driven to Distraction" series. They present info in a very approachable way.

Perhaps the video "ADD and Loving It!" would be a good aid in the conversation. Or Jessica McCabe's TEDx Talk "Failing at Normal".

I'll have to give this some thought about how to bring up the topic with him.

[Faithhopelove1975 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thank you again. Hope to be hearing from you soon again about your thoughts on how to approach the topic with him. I ordered the ADHD effect on marriage Book and it's arriving today. Have you read that book? If so, what do you think? I will also look into your suggestions on the book driven to distraction and the videos ADD and loving it and failing at normal. It is nice to know that I am not alone and there are others out there feeling as I do. You have been a great resource. I appreciate all your help.

[STEM_Dad in reply to Faithhopelove1975]

I haven't read that book, but I have read reviews for it.

By the time I got my diagnosis, my marriage was nearing the end. (I just didn't know it at first. But while I was trying to fix myself so that then I could work on fixing my relationship with my wife, she was falling in love with someone else. Divorce soon followed.)

• As I was going through my ADHD assessment, my then-wife told me plainly, "YOU don't have ADHD!" Well, she was wrong about that. (And I think she's wrong about our kids, too. I think that they all have ADHD, but she thinks that none of them do...not even our older son who has all my traits just as bad as I have them.)

If we had remained married, I definitely would have bought that book. I also would have insisted on the marriage counseling that she had resisted for many years.

(Sorry, I got a bit worked up.)

.....

One thing that all men need is respect... especially from our own partner. Make sure that he knows that not only do you love him, but that you respect him, too. Make sure he knows that you're not trying to change him, fix him, or put a label on him, but that you are just trying to help him to bring out the best in himself.

If you see him striving and making efforts for you and for his kids, then tell him.

(These are just some general things for all the time. ~~~ It just occurred to me that I could ask the men in the men's ADHD support group that I'm a part of. So, I'll ask my fellow support group members, and get back to this conversation by this evening or tomorrow.)

[Ciebee]

Hi Faith, I’m also have an ADHD partner (but far from you) and a virtual support group would be great. We’re 5 years in and it can be challenging.

An imago therapist was quite helpful actually. But sessions must be ongoing .

And I found lots of helpful info on additudemag.com.

Good luck!

[Faithhopelove1975 in reply to Ciebee]

Thank you for your response. We have been to a relationship therapist years ago. However I did not know that ADHD had a lot to do with our arguments and when I chose the therapist I did not think to find a therapist that specialized and had expertise in ADHD relationships. If you have any suggestions on how to approach the topic of counseling that would be helpful. Because when I brought it up the other day during our argument he became defensive. He doesn't think that his ADHD has anything to do with our struggles. He was never officially diagnosed either and doesn't want be on medication. Both his children have ADHD. I love him very much and he is a great man. I want to resolve our issues. I am hurting now but feel hopeful.

[LisethHIS]

Hi, Faithhopelove1975,

Thank you so much for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. Your interest in understanding ADHD and being supportive is truly commendable. At CHADD, we understand the importance of support, which is why we offer a dedicated group for individuals like yourself who want to learn more about ADHD and how to support their loved ones. You can find more information about our support group for non-ADHD individuals by visiting the following link: aacochadd.org/Support-Group... CHADD Support Groups for Non-ADHD Individuals.

Additionally, here is more information that can be helpful. chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne... chadd.org/adhd-news/adhd-ne... chadd.org/attention-article...

If there is any else you may need, please let me know.

Thank you,

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD

chadd.org

[Faithhopelove1975 in reply to LisethHIS]

Thank you for your response. I will look into your suggestions.