Spouses bad habits

[Natureworshipper]

My husband does not care as much as I do about health and he often goes to bed without brushing his teeth, eats junk food, as well as smoking a bit. This frustrates me because I have no control over what he does —have tried to express concern, which is all I can do. I ruminate a lot on all of this and feel turned off. This is affecting my relationship and leading to doubts as to whether I should stay with him or not. I have started ERP, but have much difficulty with my brain not knowing whether my concerns are overblown or something to be really concerned about. I am only able to see the negative faults of my husband and having a lot of difficulty seeing the positives. I feel my marriage is in trouble. Please share your insights—thank you.

[LuvSun]

Hi Natureworshipper! I can relate to your thoughts as I have OCD and my spouse does not. We have been married over 40 years and I have just learned to “overlook “ some of his hygiene, etc actions. I realize that I am the one with the obsessive behaviors and that he is most of the time acting like anyone else who does not have OCD. Try not to be too critical of his behaviors. It’s hard to change others and not worth risking your relationship.

[Natureworshipper in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you so much for your very helpful message! Your words of wisdom are much appreciated and will certainly help me look at my husband and my relationship with him in a more positive way.

[Sallyskins]

It's not for me to tell you what to do with your marriage, but perhaps if you could write down the positives it might help to make you feel clearer about it.

Some men are slobs (and some women are too) and it's for you to decide if you can live with that. If it's physically off-putting for you then it's a bit difficult to explain to him without hurting him. Nagging isn't likely to work in getting him to alter his behaviour.

But if it's his health you're concerned about, it can also be tricky. As long as he doesn't overdo the junk food and unhealthy behaviour, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's possible to be overly focused on health and they do say that 'a little of what you fancy does you good'!

In any case, it's for you to examine your feelings about him and his about you. No relationship is perfect, and it's often about rubbing along as best you can, knowing that you're happier together than you are apart.