Any Help to break free of this rut I'm in??

[Bookmama20]

I have battled mental illness most of my life(I'm 52). In 2015 in the span of a couple of months I found out my eldest daughter had been in a mentally abusive relationship, that eventually caused her a liver infection from being unable to eat a normal meal. She too has battled anxiety all her life. They broke up and he spent months making life hell for her. A month or so after she got away from him I found out my youngest who was 14 at the time was sexually assaulted at a holiday party. He was a friend of a friend of a friend and so on that nobody seemed to know who it was. Anyway my anxiety( which I had but hadn't been diagnosed or known I had it) kicked into high gear. At one point my PCP told me she didn't know how much more I could handle and was afraid to find out. I handled it somehow. Things were rough for a while, but I have more ups than downs. Yay for me, a win is a win.

Back in 2020 I had a health scare that turned out to be linked to my anxiety. It was a heaviness and pressured feeling in my chest, and at the onset I had weakness, and the "feeling" would go down my arm. I thought it was my heart. After 6 weeks out of work, a slew of tests, an ER stay and a cardiac catherization? I got the all clear, no heart issues.

2022, I found myself drowning once more. It was horrible, I was emotional, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, overstimulation, etc. I called both my Psych NP and my therapist begging to write me out of work, felt like I was losing my mind. They agreed to do it as long as I did a partial hospitalization program at my state's Psychiatric facility. I did, I learned a lot, made friends, helped me understand so much more than I did prior to that. Went back to work and within 2 weeks I was back to feeling that drowning feeling. A few months later I participated in another partial program, this time virtual. Again I learned a lot, understood more, but ever since I have declined into a stuck type state.

I feel like I am existing from bedtime to bedtime. Existing, not living. I have no motivation/energy for anything. I used to read a lot, I still do but a book that used to take me 3-4 days is now taking me 2-3 weeks. I keep scrolling on my phone. Searches, email. social media. My house is a disaster area and my room alone is a hoarders fantasy come true. As much as it pains and embarrasses me to admit this? My room is probably waist high with crap, like empty shopping bags, papers, notebooks, empty disposable cups, etc. I am sleeping on 1/2 of my full size mattress because the stuff has pushed the mattress off the frame. I know if it is cleaned and kept clean my mental state will improve dramatically, as well as if I clean my house. My problem is I have no mental energy, or physical energy to do it and when I start? It is all so overwhelming, so I quit. One of my daughters is rarely home, the other is a full time nursing student, and works part time. My husband works 12-14 hours a day, one day a week off and Sundays. I work 8.

Anyway, with all of that plus being overweight. Again, I know losing weight will dramatically change how I feel. I know what I need to do, and how to do it, but I lack the mental energy to do it. I just feel incredibly stuck. I feel almost numb, like I am just going through the motions of life. Not truly living it. I have tried adrenal supplements, iron supplements, Vitamin B's, Vit D with K2. I cannot get myself out of this funk, I honestly feel like I am just disappearing, fading away from life and it scares me. When I mention it to my Psych Nurse who I love it's like she isn't getting it. Even though I have told her all of what I have written here. I just don't know what to do, I don't know if anyone else here has felt this way but I am at a total loss and I have no clue what to do. If anyone has any suggestions they would be highly appreciated.

[Downinil]

Hi Bookmama! Reading your post brings me a familiar feeling.

[Cookie2217]

You are DEPRESSED. You need medication to help you feel better immediately. I just got out of a four year bout of depression which was severely debilitating. I had no desire or energy or interest to do anything except stay in bed all day and all night. My medication wasn't working and I nedded a medication change right away. My PCP put me on Prozac instead of Pristiq which had stopped working for me and so far so good no side effects so far to speak od thus far. If you are anxious about things do intentional breathing and breathe and for 5 seconds hold it for 6 seconds and breathe it out for 7 Seconds it will automatically make you feel calmer if you are anxious. I have begun to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of depression and I have to dig myself out of that hole just to feel normal again. I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone cuz it's both debilitating and bothersome all the time for me. I would also suggest that you Journal and put your thoughts and worries down on paper to get everything off your chest so to speak that helps out a lot. Hoping these suggestions work out for you please keep in touch and let us know how you're feeling take care of yourself and wishing you peace and well-being.

[Fefe09]

I have had the same issues except I do have severe pain through out my body and suffer from several autoimmune disorders. Have you tried getting on a different medication. I know through out my years some worked ok others didn’t. I’m in bed most of the time dealing with pain and sickness. It’s no fun but I have one thing that gets me through each day and that’s my Lord and Savior. I’ve been ridiculed for my faith but I wouldn’t be alive if he had not been there with me every step of the way . and comforted me and listened to me. All your family and all your friends may leave one day but he’s always there to listen to my thoughts and feelings. I pray you get better and find the help you need. As far as cleaning . Do what you can do and don’t worry about it. Your husband and daughter can help you if they live there or should anyway. Take care and God Bless